Why isn't 'Batgirl' a valid career choice?

If you're like me, then the quickly approaching release date for New Moon leaves you with only one desire: to crawl into a hole and not come out until the abstinence fueled Twi-frenzy goes back into hibernation.

But alas, this is really not possible.  So we are damned in that everywhere we turn there will be SOMETHING relating to Twilight, be it an advertisement, a blog, an interview or, of course, merchandise.

And really, for me, the merchandise is some of the worst of it.  I know it's unescapable because we're talking about a franchise extremely popular with teens and young adults, both demographics who tend to have disposable income.  But really, sometimes these things go too far (WARNING: THAT LAST LINK IS VERY, VERY, VERY NOT SAFE FOR UNDERAGED READERS, WORK OR FOR ANYONE'S SANITY.  DO NOT CLICK IT IF YOU ARE ON A SHARED COMPUTER OR USING A COMPUTER WHERE SOMEONE WOULD FREAK OUT IF THEY CAUGHT YOU LOOKING AT SPARKLING SEX TOYS.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.).

Most of the stuff is pretty mundane, though.  But it's all fairly sad and generally very tacky.  So, for the next three weeks leading up to the movie's release, I will be presenting you with the best...which is really, to be fair, the worst...of the "exclusive" Twilight merchandise.

First we tackle Rue 21.  Their New Moon Exclusive Line is actually pretty dull.  You've got your requisite Team Edward and Team Jacob tees:

And, well, really the rest of the line is generally pictures of Edward and Jacob with differing background designs and sayings.  It's...really pretty boring.

Boring and poorly thought out, actually.  I mean, look at these:

Oh, golly, gee, my choices are having Edward's creeptastic cupcake dog impression on my boob, or having Jacob's "going to hunt you down and mount you" expression on my boob.  Gee, why not just COMBINE the two shirts so I can have a creepy guy staring out at people from both of my tits?

And then there's this shirt:

When I first saw it, it reminded me of something but I just couldn't quite put my finger on it.  And then it hit me:

It's eerily like something I'd expect from a piece of Labyrinth merchandise.  Which, you know, okay, there's a certain number of parallels between the two movies: both are about a creepy older guy who stalks and belittles a spoiled, entitled teenage girl and attempts to bend her to his will.

EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE IN LABYRINTH, JARETH IS UNDENIABLY THE BAD GUY AND IN THE END SARAH GROWS UP, STANDS UP TO HIM AND DEFEATS HIM RATHER THAN MARRYING HIM AND CARRYING AROUND HIS UTERUS NOMMING HELLSPAWN.

*catches breath*

Rue 21 doesn't stop with the t-shirts, though.  They also offer movie posters and, um, Twilight candy bars.

Cream filled Twilight candy bars.

Make your own "Cream filled" joke here, please.

In summation: Rue 21's line is fairly boring and really left me without much to mock.  Fairly standard movie-tie-in merch.

The best item:

I actually find this Forks High School Athletic shirt kind of cute.

The worst item:

Hard to choose not because of badness but because of general boring-ness.  But I think I settled on this shirt if only for Edward's creepy gaze.

Join me again next week when I take on the official New Moon merch from Nordstrom, including jewelry and cosmetics!