Why isn't 'Batgirl' a valid career choice?

Just reminding you folks that Fangs v. Fur starts on Monday.  I don't know if anybody's even really interested in this, but I am never one to let go of something easily.  The winner of the poll will determine my Halloween Day Blog, so it's of dire consequence.  Or, you know, totally not.

I'm also going to be doing a number of Halloween themed blogs through out the month, so let me know if there's anything you'd like to see me cover.  I've got a few Top 5 and Top 10 lists planned, some stuff about costumes, and maybe I'll share a few recipes too (I've got a kick ass spiced cider recipe that works great with and without alcohol in it.  Plus, awesome pumpkin seed skillz and some cookies I want to try for the first time this year.  Yeah, look, it's me being all domestic and shit.). 

And I'm trying to decide if I want to bother carving a pumpkin this year.  I'd be the only one to see it, but I always carve a pumpkin (one year I carved Robert Goulet's face into my pumpkin, true story).  Maybe a little one.  With an interesting design.

I'm such a fucking dork.

Anyway, hope you are all going to participate in Fangs v. Fur and that it's not going to be another total bust project on my part.  I know which way I'm leaning.

And Team Zombie is STILL relegated to Venezuela.

With new TV shows premiering, we're all rushing to guess which ones will still be around at this time next year.  Sometimes shows get canceled for being crap, other times they get canceled unfairly.  So here you are, my list of the Top 10 Shows to only run for one season.

Note: these are strictly my opinion.  Yours may vary.  For another list, please see bulletproofheeb's post on the same topic, pulling from the same pool of potential shows.

10. Drive
    A much hyped series starring Nathan Fillion as a man trying to win his wife's freedom via an illegal cross country road race.  Other competitors included a single mother racing for her infant son, an ex-con racing alongside his half brother, a father/daughter team who are very good at keeping secrets from each other and a threesome of Hurricane Katrina survivors.  This series asked a lot of questions.  And now we'll never know the answers.
9. Standoff
    Recently canceled by Fox, this show starred Ron "Office Space" Livingston as a negotiator in a relationship with his partner.  It was like Moonlighting with a SWAT team.  Sadly, looks like this is not going to return for another season.  And might I ask WHY DOES TELEVISION HATE GINA TORRES?
8. The Oblongs
    An animated series starring Will Ferrel as the limbless father of a family of loving mutants.  Included popular but stupid girls getting run through wheat threshers, squirrels living in back fat and midget tossing.
7. The Crow: Stairway to Heaven
    Spun off from the first Crow movie, the show featured Eric Draven attempting to reunite with his lost love.  Because of Draven's career as a musician, the show featured a number of bands.  Sadly, a soundtrack was never officially released.
6. The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.
    A western/sci fi series starring the King of Zombie fighters Bruce Campbell.  Had this series happened roughly ten years later I believe it would have survived to this day.
5. Freaks and Geeks
    Like My So Called Life this dealt with teenagers in real life situations, but was set in the early 1980's.  Both hysterical and painful at times, much like life itself.  And the soundtrack was pretty fucking sweet, too.
4. Clerks: The Animated Series
    Not only did Kevin Smith reunite the cast of his hit film "Clerks" to perform voices in this series, they also recruited Alec Baldwin and Charles Barkley to participate.  The show was self referential, irreverent, and pretty much everything else you'd expect from a Kevin Smith project.  Bonus: a cut scene from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back shows Randal taunting Dante with "See, this is why our tv series got canceled."
3.  Clone High USA
    A series aired on MTV about teenage clones of famous historical figures as they try to survive high school.  Mostly the show focused on Abe Lincoln (a scrawny geek trying to break into the cool crowd), Joan of Arc (an artsy goth girl with a huge crush on Abe), Ghandi (a party animal), Cleopatra (the most popular girl in school) and John F. Kennedy (the consummate asshole jock).  Featured guest appearances by Marylin Manson (as a singing nutritionalist) and Tom Green (who delivered a very special message about ADD) among others.
2. Firefly
    Joss Whedon's first non-Buffyverse project was about cowboys in space.  Well written, complex, and now a cult hit, it's just sad Fox didn't realize the potential it had and pulled the plug after airing only a handful of episodes.
1. My So-Called Life
    The definitive 90's show, it's hard to remember that it only ran for a single season.  Dealt with a number of sensitive issues, most of which are still sensitive today, and tried to portray them in a realistic way.  Things weren't all better in the end.

For another take on this, check out bulletproofheeb's top 10 list.

(The masterlist we came up with and ranked from:

My So-Called Life
Firefly
Freaks and Geeks
Clone High USA
Clerks TAS
Nowhere Man
Now and Again
American Gothic
Brisco County, Jr.
Mission Hill
The Prisoner
Studio 60 On the Sunset Strip
Brimstone
Birds of Prey
Lone Gunmen
John Doe
God, The Devil and Bob
Dark Skies
Standoff
Fastlane
Sam and Max
The Oblongs
The Crow: Stairway to Heaven)

I have never played a MMORPG.  Mostly because I cannot afford subscribtion fees or another addiction.  But I have several friends who do, which is the plus side of attracting geeky friends: I have some of the best stories.  Former housemates had epic stories of the Bard Protest and the Million Leprechaun March in Dark Age of Camelot.  A Warcraft friend told me about a Horde raid during an online funeral.  And my friend who indulges in Final Fantasy XI once explained gender politics in the game this way: "If you see one of the leather clad catgirls running around?  It's a male player.  No questions asked."

But, as bulletproofheeb pointed out to me this morning, China says NO MORE of this gender bending nonsense!  At least, not in one of their games.

Now, I understand that China has it's share of problems, but asking people to verify gender via a webcam?  That's more than a little ridiculous.

I guess I'm just upset because role play gender bending is occasionally amusing.  While I have never been part of an MMORPG, I have...and still do...participated in online text based RPGs...in many of them playing a male character.  I will not claim that I play it as true to life as possible, but it's the fun of getting to act like a "guy."  On top of that it's a great study in gender politics and attitudes towards the opposite sex, what does a girl think a "real" guy acts like and vice versa.  And I think that's even more revealing in a repressive society like China's. 

Plus, let's face it, in a lot of games you can't really hack and slash with a female character.  This is why I will run to Kilik just about any day of the week.  Well, that and there's ample opportunities for "staff" jokes.

It's been 10 years since Aqua's hit "Barbie Girl" exploded in the US.  It was their only really successful song here in the states(though they did release at least one other single from their "Aquarium" album, a song called "Lollipop") and was actually the number one single of the year.  The group's lead singer at the time stated she had never owned a Barbie doll, and refused to appear as the doll in the video, instead appearing as herself in a parody of the blonde icon.

The song's lyrics are extremely sexualized, but even more they seem to emphasize the point of a Barbie: to be an object of desire.  Girls want to BE Barbie, and all Barbie really wants in the world is her Ken.  The message always struck me as satirical, the idea of a girl being completely and wonderfully happy so long as she didn't have to do anything but look pretty and please her equally plastic boyfriend.

A look at the other monster singles of that year reveal an interesting dynamic in music at the time.  "Don't Speak" by No Doubt, fronted by the powerful and independent Gwen Stefani, "You Were Meant For Me" by guitar strumming chanteuse Jewel, as well as "Wannabe" and "Say You'll Be There" by girl power icons The Spice Girls were among that year's top singles.  You know who isn't featured on that list?  Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson or any of the blonde bimbos we' ve come to know and "love."

Ten years later, the song that was once parody and satire has been covered in a way that fails completely.  It conveys the message of the song as positive, exemplary.  "Barbie Girl" is not longer social commentary, it is a fucking MISSION STATEMENT.

You may be aware of a scuffle I got into in the comments of a recent blog.  During that time the point of view being explained by my opponent was that young women don't have strong role models and that it is the media's fault.  That more girls know Paris Hilton than Hillary Clinton.

I'm not saying she was completely wrong.  I never did.  It disgusts me that there are people out there who strive to be like Paris or Lindsay Lohan, girls who are content to be gorgeous trainwrecks, who are out to please and be pleased, who seem to be all surface and no substance.

I don't blame the media.  While the media is an influence on society I think it is more actively a reflection of our society's view points.  And society has, in recent years, stood against powerful women.

Up until last year's midterm election, the United States government was controlled by the conservative right.  President Chimply and his rag tag group of rich white people and women who appear to hate and despise their own gender were running rampant over a number of issues.  How did they come into power?  People agreed with their politics.

Also there was a stolen election in there, but really, who cares, right?

The point is, our society has backlashed against women who are capable.  A woman who doesn't always appear happy and delightful is a total bitch, a woman who speaks her mind is stepping out of place.  A woman who attempts to seriously protest an unpopular and unwinnable war with the point of "If mothers ran the world there wouldn't be any god damn wars," and she is censored.  The days of Buffy and Xena are gone, replaced with the "real life adventures" of rich and snotty girls being naughty.

So that's where we stand.  Young women are not being encouraged to take a pink ribbon off their eyes.  Instead, they're being taught to say "You can touch, you can play, if you say I'm always yours!"

Anti-Christ Barbie

She could turn her head all the way around
link Linda Blair in The Exorcist.
Her bare high-heeled feet were begging to be nailed,
Jesus-style, to a cross. Mothers saw their daughters' dolls
levitate above pink carrying cases,
then tip upside down, arms straight out to their sides.
Barbie's an angel, cried the little girls who loved her,
who would mortgage their souls to be like her,
who would do anything she asked.
-Denise Duhamel

Of all the signs in the zodiac, you routinely enjoy the most interesting problems. No one else can compete with your talent for dreaming up original sins, either. I expect that in the coming weeks, you'll once again assert your mastery in these two areas, leaving the rest of us muttering in amazed awe as we behold the beautiful, stinking, useful, hellacious, intriguing messes you stir up. Congratulations in advance for the resourcefulness and courage I know you will summon from the abyss of your subconscious mind.


Oh how I love Free Will Astrology!

So, with the ongoing Vampire versus Werewolves theme I've got going right now (because I am an absolute dork and you love it), I've got two new photo galleries for vampires and werewolves.

There are more vampires.  Go figure.

Anyway, I figure this is a chance for me to try something new: going interactive.

Starting October 1st I'm going to put up a poll for Leeches versus Lycans, and I'm inviting you, my loyal readers, to choose a side and cheer them on.  The team with the most votes on October 31st gets an entire Halloween Blog dedicated to them, much like the pirate one I did yesterday. 

So pick your team!  I'll have some other thematic stuff put up here through the next month and a half, so you can feel free to comment (I'll share some of my favorites every week, how's that?) and tease/heckle/hunt each other.  Send me compelling stories, articles, pictures that would possibly sway me and/or others to your side! 

I'm actually going to be interested in seeing if I can pull this off.  And for the record, I'll be staying completely neutral as part of Team Black Magic.

And as for Team Zombie?  You can just get your asses back to Venezuela.  Fuckers.

If'in ye don't know, today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day.



But why should ye stop with talkin' like a pirate when ye can go all out!  So, scallywags and landlubbers, I be present ye with the New Age Amazon Captain Ashly's Guide to Piracy!




1) DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES!
And fools don't survive at sea!  Ye best do some reading to prepare yerself for life on the ocean.  I be highly recommendin' Under the Black Flag, a modern guide to the history of Piracy.  It be just about everything ye need to know to begin yer study of piracy!  Also ye should be readin' A General History of the Pyrates, which was published by Daniel Defoe in 1724, just years after the Golden Age of Piracy ended.

Ye can also consider some movies for those of ye who won't or can't read.  Of course there be the Pirates of the Carribean Trilogy, but some other titles ye might enjoy are Cutthroat Island, starring the lovely Miss Geena Davis as Captain Morgan Adams, which is a rollicking throw back to classic pirate films.  There also be Roman Polanski's Pirates and Captain Blood with the suave Errol Flynn for those of ye who prefer yer movies classic.

2) SINGIN' THE BELL BOTTOM TROUSERS!
Ye need to be dressin' like a Pirate, matey!  Check out the booty offered by Museum Replicas Limited and The Renaissance Store.

Ye can also KNIT like a pirate!  Ye can back order the Pirate Issue of Knit1 Magazine for some seaworthy patterns of varying difficulty.



3) YO-HO YO-HO A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME!
To keep up yer morale at sea, ye best be learnin' to sing!  Check out the fantastic music by The Pyrates Royale, a group that performs at different ports, but calls the Maryland area home.  Yer Captain highly recomends the songs "Maid on the Shore" and "Mist Covered Mountains of Home" from Hello Sailor and "Santianno" from LYVE! Behind Bars.  And if ye be in the Maryland Area, consider goin' to see them at the Maryland Renaissance Festival. 

4) WORK LIKE A PIRATE!
I be yer captain, and I don't take well to mutiny!  There be plenty of places on a ship's crew, from the Powder Monkey, young boys who would work near the cannons, to the bosun who would take care of discipline problems on the ship, to the first mate, who served as the Captain's right hand.

Ye might also need a way to fight like a Pirate.  Me?  I carry a short sword in a frog:










Also be sure to choose yer flag!  There be the classic Jack Rackham:


The flag of Edward "Blackbeard" Teach


Or the Gentleman Pirate, Stede Bonnet:





5) PLAY LIKE A PIRATE!
Pick up a copy of The Dread Pirate Game.  The board is a map, ye roll the dice to move yer ship and collect treasure.  First one to become the Dread Pirate and blow the others out of the water wins the Seven Seas.  The rest go to Davey Jones' Locker.






When my father entrusted me with this treasure, he made me promise this would always be my ship.  That be the Pearl, mates.




6) DRINK LIKE A PIRATE!




Enough said, mateys.  NOW GIVE ME THAT HORIZON!

Believe it or not, I'd like to dedicate this entry to my father, who helped me to realize that after 4 years of college all I really wanted to be was a pirate.

(Get it?  "Kill?"  HA!  I'M FUNNY!)

So, 'tis the season.  No, not THAT season (which I refuse to refer to by name because it's too damn early for that), dumbass, Halloween season.  Though, interestingly enough, THAT season starts on October 31st for retail places, as I learned while working at Best Buy.  You've never lived until you've spent a shift on Halloween pricing Christmas CD's while dressed in FULL PIRATE REGALIA (despite my co-worker Luke's insistence I looked more like a Musketeer.  Though it DID earn me the nickname D'Artagnan.  Chris O'Donnell's got NOTHING on me.).

Anyway, I may love Halloween more than any other holiday ever.  And so I've decided the festivities begin now, with a list of the top 5 Halloween Covers I'd Kill To Hear My Chemical Romance Perform:

5. "Ghouls Night Out" by The Misfits: Yeah, yeah, having MCR cover the Misfits is not stretch, especially since they covered "Astro Zombies" already.  But can you imagine Gerard Way camping it up on stage and playing off the whole ghoul/girl pun?  Yes, of course you can.

4. "Mouth" by Bush: A remix of the song appeared on the soundtrack for An American Werewolf in Paris.  While the movie was pretty much made of fail (despite Tom Everett Scott being MADE OF SEXY), the song has continued to live on.  It's a little scary, a little sexy, and can apply to vampires or werewolves, pick your horror movie monster of choice.

(Which raises the question: Vampires vrs. Werewolves...who wins?  Points will be deducted if you point out that this was already addressed in "Underworld")

3. "Superstition" by Stevie Wonder: I'm just imagining what MCR could do with a Stevie Wonder song.  Come on, think about it.  You know you wanna.  Plus, it would mean Mikey could really do some damage on a bass line.

2. "Bloodletting (The Vampire Song)" by Concrete Blonde: An awesome lead guitar line, a catchy hook, and some random moaning and screaming (hopefully in the cover this would be provided by Frank Iero) got this the vote.  Also, it would be another song Gerard could lend his trademark theatrics too.

And the number once song...DRUMROLL PLEASE....

1. "Sympathy for the Devil" by The Rolling Stones: This was covered by Guns and Roses for the movie "Interview with the Vampire" ("Louis, Louis, Louis...still WHINING Louis!") and that's the version I think MCR could build on.  Gerard's performance skills, the classic rock sound that could be molded as they saw fit, and let's not forget that Ray Toro is a motherfucking guitar GOD. 

But never let yourself believe that Gerard Way IS the devil.  That title belongs to the one and only Dave Navarro.

TELL ME YOU DON'T SEE IT!  I DARE YOU!

8:00: Opening with Family Guy musical number: excellent.  The musical numbers are one of my favorite bit of that show.
And the Sopranos crack!  LOVE!

8:03: Ryan Seacrest, somehow you have made a career out of being a walking gay joke.  I don't know whether to applaud you or hate you.
Conan looks rough.
Ellen looks absolutely amazing.  So does Portia.

8:07: Shameful confession #473: I would totally do Hugh Laurie.
Not so shameful confession: I would do most of the male cast of Heroes.  And several members of the female cast as well.
Obvious confession: I don't love Raymond.

8:09: That was odd.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES: Jeremy Piven, Entourage

8:14: Oh VANESSA, what is with your skirt?!
America looks fantastic.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES: Terry O'Quinn, Lost

You know, there are times during internet debates where I would love to be able to cue the music up a little louder to tell people that they're done talking and should get the fuck out.

8:21: I'm not loving Seacrest hosting.
Oh...he just ripped on Paula about the drug thing.  I may retract my statement.
Wow.  Tina looks amazing.  And Julia needs to dump the empire waist and do something better with her hair.
They are, however, hysterical.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES: Jamie Presley, My Name Is Earl

8:26: I don't know these people.  Apparently neither does the announcer.

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE: Thomas Haden Church, Broken Trail

8:33: And we're back with Ellen and Hugh!  LOVE!
I love her.  I love her so much.

WE NEED A MONTAGE!

8:37: Mmmm...Entourage boys.
And Eva.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES: Katharine Heigle, Grey's Anatomy

8:41: Jennifer Love Hewitt finally found a hairstyle that doesn't make her forehead look huge.

WRITING FOR A VARIETY, MUSIC, OR COMEDY PROGRAM: Late Night with Conan O'Brien
(How much did I love the clips from all these shows?)

8:50: Oh, they went green this year.  Awesome.

Here comes Tony and Christina!
That was AMAZING.  Christina's still got it!  So does Tony.

OUTSTANDING DIRECTING FOR A VARIETY, MUSIC, OR COMEDY SERIES: Bob Marshall, Tony Benett, An American Classic

Ali: your dress needs straps

LEAD ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE: Robert Duvall, Broken Trail


They're PAYING people to do what I'm doing here?  I feel cheated, somehow.

9:03: Queen Latifa looks so amazing.  And that was beautfully said.
And wow, they have the cast of Roots there.  An amazing group of people.  And you can really see how emotional they are.

OUTSTANDING MINISERIES:  Broken Trail

9:10: Hayden's dress is...big...

OUTSTANDING DIRECTING IN A DRAMA SERIES: Alan Taylor, The Sopranos

OUTSTAND WRITING FOR A DRAMA SERIES: Davis Chase, The Sopranos

9:21: Steve Carell deadpans far too well.  It's a little scary.
Not quite "Tommy Lee Jones" scary.  But up there.

OUTSTANDING VARIETY, MUSIC, OR TELEVISION SERIES: The Daily Show with John Stewart
Awww!  He hugged Colbert!

VARIETY, MUSIC, OR COMEDY SPECIAL: Tony Benett, An American Classic

I'm a little scared of some of these dresses.  They're very, very boobie.

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE: Judy Davis, The Starter Wife

Dick Askin?  Wow, your parents HATED you, didn't they?

9:36: Wow, Glenn Close has aged amazingly.
Kyra, your dress is bad.  Just bad.

OUTSTANDING MADE FOR TELEVISION MOVIE: Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee

I have never heard of The Jersey Boys before.  Man, I remember never being out of the Broadway loop.

The Sopranos is one of those shows I always MEANT to watch, but never did.  Like Nip/Tuck.

9:49: HEY!  It'd Dr. Mc-Which-One-Are-You-Again?

LEAD ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE: Helen Mirren, Prime Suspect, the Final Act

Lewis Black! 
I would watch more news shows if there were sock puppets involved.  True fact.

The back of Morris's dress is really gorgeous.

OUTSTANDING DIRECTING FOR A MINISERIES, MOVIE, OR DRAMATIC SPECIAL: Phillip Martin, Prime Suspect: The Final Act

OUTSTANDING WRITING FOR A MINISERIES, MOVIE, OR DRAMATIC SPECIAL: Frank Deasy, Prime Suspect: The Final Act

Masi Oka!  Motherfucker's a genius.
And hot.
But it's a little weird to hear him talking out of the Hiro voice.

TOM >:( I defriended you on Myspace, GET OFF OF MY TV!

CREATIVE ACHEIVEMENT IN INTERACTIVE TELEVISION: Current

So, does Al Gore have an Oscar and an Emmy now?
You know what would round that out nicely?  Winning the presidency.

"You just made Charlie Sheen's 'to-do' list."
Charlie did NOT like that one.
"Senator Craig's List!"  LOL

INDIVIDUAL PERFORMANCE IN A VAREITY, COMEDY OR MUSIC PROGRAM: Tony Benett
Colbert is denied again!  Last year it was Manalow, this year Benett.

OUTSTANDING DIRECTING IN A COMEDY SERIES: Richard Shepard, Ugly Betty

OUTSTANDING WRITING IN A COMEDY SERIES: Greg Daniels, The Office

10:23: Ryan...that's really great.

IS WAYNE BRADY GONNA HAVE TO CHOKE A BITCH?
(Sorry, it's a compulsion.  I blame Dave Chapelle.)
Wow, Kanye.  If you lose this are you going to throw a fit, too?

OUTSTANDING REALITY COMPETITION: The Amazing Race

10:36: Oh Colbert and Stewart. 
Leafblower.
Private jet sandwich? LOL.
Oh my GOD these guys are funny.
"Then the earth WINS!"

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES: Ricky Gervais, Extras
"We're going to give this to our friend Steve Carell."
Oh boys, you're so ridiculous.  And now there's going to be so much threesome slash.

HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH...
Hugh using ACCENT.

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES: Sally Field, Brothers and Sisters

OMG DID THEY JUST CUT AWAY FROM HER ANTI-WAR STATEMENT?!  Not cool.  NOT COOL.

10:52: Debra: that dress is a mistake.

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES: America Ferra, Ugly Betty

OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES: James Spader, Boston Legal
...I will console myself with the fact that House had a very weak season.

11:02: They're rushing. They must be running over.

OUTSTANDING COMEDY SERIES: 30 Rock
Awesome!  I figured Ugly Betty was taking it.

11:08: Helen Mirren!

OUTSTANDING DRAMA SERIES: The Sopranos
Yeah, yeah, it was a salute to the series as a whole.
But man HEROES!  HEROES!
They came up empty this year.
But next year...NEXT YEAR...you will feel the wrath of the Grunberg!

Don't let the picture fool you!  HE IS WRATHFUL!  NOT A GIANT TEDDY BEAR!  WRATHFUL!  FULL.  OF.  WRATH.

I had never before in my life heard of a Psychic Fair.  The phrase does conjure some unique imagery.  So when I first saw signs on Thursday morning advertising a Psychic Fair held by our local Spiritualist church, I figured I'd go check it out.  Maybe they'd have a Ferris Wheel on the astral plane.




It was actually pretty cool, but low key.  There were a handfull of vendors, but the big attraction was the readers who were all upstairs and charging reading fees on top of your $3 admission.  So I mostly spent my time wandering around the small vendors area.

Now, I believe in that sort of stuff.  The reason I was actually there was because the signs were up on Thursday, which was the two year anniversary of bad things that were really good things happening.  I rarely leave the house by myself to do anything remotely social, so this was completely out of character for me to be by myself with people I didn't know looking at the small but awesome offerings they had.

One table was hosted by Filidi Lame, which does handmade jewelry and other items (gorgeous votive holders, too!).  While I was there, the woman running the table (I'm assuming it was Gloria, the owner and designer) was talking to a gentleman who was reading her palm and talking about a ridge that indicates a woman having trouble conceiving.  Out of curiosity I looked at my own hand.  He caught me and asked if I could see it. 

Palmistry is not one of my fortes, honestly.

He ended up taking my hand and giving me a short and FREE reading while I was standing there.  He mentioned I don't have the ridge (which means I will continue to be anal about my birth control), and that my heart line indicates that I give my heart away too easily, but that I'm learning how to judge people and being more cautious now (totally true).  I have a long lifeline, but it's not split, so whatever I end up doing in life will be my primary focus.  I'm apparently not meant to be a working mother, which suits me just fine and dandy.

My fate line is interesting because it just randomly disappears.  Apparently this means I have a blank slate in front of me right now, I can do whatever I want because I don't have a fate.  I can choose whatever path I want, which is really sort of an awesome feeling.  It also explains why my Tarot Readings for myself invariably give me no answers about my future.  I don't have one set in stone yet. 

I wish I had been able to afford to get a reading, but apparently the readers were booked full.  There was a much larger turn out than they'd planned for.  However, I'm entered for a free psychic reading with one of the local psychics.  There's going to be a drawing.

But I'm sure one of them already knows who's going to win.

"I wish I could drink like a lady
 I can take one or two at the most
Three and I'm under the table
 Four and I'm under the host"
-Dorothy Parker

I am really bad at being "a lady."

I am very good at being polite and cultured in situations that call for it. I can dress up and smile and play nice.  I can even control my swearing.  But I am very bad at taking a seat and letting the men do all the talking.  I am pretty terrible about being seen and not heard.  And normally I swear like a sailor, dress like a boy and kick like a mule.

Then again, I really dislike the label of "ladylike."  It implies that there are standards and rules of behavior a woman has to observe that a man doesn't.  Sorry, no.  And don't tell me the term "ungentlemanly" applies, because that's not the point.  The point is, if it's the same rules of behavior, it's the same word applied to each.

I'm all for girls who want to be more feminine than me doing so.  But at the same time I get sick of the idea that there is something unladylike in being strong, mentally or physically, in fighting your own battles, or in being the person you are no matter what.

No, I don't approve of celebrities that run around flashing their "assets" all over the place.  But I don't exactly approve of men who do the same thing.  Of course, it's acceptable to oogle a man seen without his shirt, but if a woman wears something low-cut she's a total whore.  My point is, I don't want to see Britney's va-jay-jay anymore than the rest of the world.  But that's not unladylike, it's embarrassing and disgusting. 

As for young women having sex, it's going to happen.  How about this, though?  We toss out the idea that it's wrong or dirty for a woman to masturbate.  We encourage it as a way to experience sexual pleasure so girls don't have to run around having sex to get it.  Even better, let's decide to not be embarrassed about discussing safe sex with children of EITHER gender so that they are better prepared for the eventuality of it.

When I was in high school I was in a beauty pageant.  This was before I got pudgy, fuck you very much.  People were shocked to see me in a dress, "acting ladylike."

Bitches, I never acted ladylike.  I just put on a fucking dress.  I was still the same badass motherfucker I always was, I just watched my language and wore heels.

All you need is love, love
Love is all you need.

Bull.  Shit.

Despite what you may have been told by music, movies, television, books and pretty much pop culture as a whole, love is NOT all you need.  Trust me on this one.  It is totally possible for you to love someone and yet not be able to be in a relationship with them. Not because of distance, or age, or anything like that, but purely because it just doesn't work, no matter how much you love each other.

I really wish all you needed was love.  It would make things a lot easier.  But instead, love is just part of the package deal.  You need a few other things as well.

1. Trust: I cannot stress this enough.  Trust is a completely seperate thing from love.  You might love someone with all your heart, but can you trust them not to lie to you about stupid things?  Even if they're doing it to prevent a fight, they're not doing either of you favors because there's going to be a bigger fight when the truth comes out.  Then there's the bigger issue of can you trust that you are the only one in their life?  Love and lust are different things and while you might still lust after other people after you've fallen in love, you have to trust that the person you are with isn't going to act on that lust.  And then blame you for it.
2. Independence: That's right.  You need to be able to be your own person.  Even if you love someone, you can't be so dependent on them you can't do anything without them.  You both need to have your own interests, your own friends, and your own time to be alone.  If you can't still exist as individual people and exist only as a couple what are you going to do when you have problems?
3. Similar plans for the future: Hypothetically, let's say he wants to move back to his fairly rural hometown, live 5 minutes from his parents, teach martial arts, have 2 kids by the age of 30 and have a wife who doesn't mind staying home to take care of kids.  Meanwhile, you want to travel the world, avoid his parents, live close to a major city so there are more writing opportunities for you and kids don't figure into any of this.  TRUST ME ON THIS ONE: it doesn't bode well.
4. Respect for each other's issues: You're a firm believer in gender equality in sports and a woman's right to choose.  He mocks the WNBA, watches women's soccer for Mia Hamm's breasts, and doesn't understand why you freak out over pregnancy scares because "my mom will help us raise the baby!"  Run the fuck away.

There's tons more.  But the important thing is that the myth of love being the only thing you really need?  It's just that, a myth.  It's a great start, but you can't fall back on it forever.

*Currently celebrating 2 years of independence*

Let me preface this with the fact that I don't like Ashlee Simpson's music.  I think she and her publicity team have made major mistakes in the handling of her SNL appearance, her Orange Bowl performance, and her plastic surgery.  I do not own one of her albums and, like many people, I am to a certain extent jealous of her relationship with Pete Wentz.

But I applaud her decision to bring out Vicky Valentine.

Let's look at Ashlee's history.  The overshadowed younger sister of Jessica Simpson who watched her sister marry and then see her marriage destroyed by over-exposure.  The girl who was the dark haired "rebel" of the Simpson family, marketed as the alternative to Jessica's blonde bombshell pop-stardom, but as soon as the shine was off that diamond Ashlee's blonde and feminine.

Ashlee has entered adulthood in the public eye, has had her career controlled by her father (and I refuse to believe it is easy dealing with a father who talks about his daughter's breasts the way Joe Simpson has talked about Jessica's) and has at times seemed to be pushed towards being Jessica-light.

Which is why I salute the idea of Vicky Valentine.

I don't usually support Carl Jung's philosophy, mostly because I think he and Freud were mostly full of shit, but Jung did some interesting work with the idea of persona, or the mask we wear for the public.  There's a good chance Ashlee has never had the ability to explore her bad girl side, to really let herself be that girl.  Maybe as Ashlee Simpson she can't internalize that girl.  But as Vicky Valentine, she can deal with that part of her.  Identifying it and working with it, as Ashlee has on her album, is probably an indication that she is working towards incorporating "Vicky" into herself.

Other artists do it all the time.  My Chemical Romance became The Black Parade.  And as Gerard Way sings "You might wake up and notice you're someone you're not."  David Bowie became Ziggy Stardust.  During the Zoo TV tour Bono adopted three different personas onstage: The Fly, the Mirror Ball Man, and Mr. MacPhisto.  Yes, it's a little insane, but hell, you have to be a little insane to be an artist and you have to accept your own insanity in order to become a whole person.

I can't prove this is what Ashlee's doing, and I can't prove it's entirely GOOD for her.  But I do think it's an interesting step for her and has made me curious about what her new sound is going to be like.  So Ashlee I'm willing to give another try, and I'm looking forward to hearing Vicky for the very first time.

And if you've never put on a different persona and tried it, I suggest you do.  Be the good girl gone bad, or the bad girl who makes good, find a name that suits you, dress up a little, even.  Go out and see how it feels to be that part of you with no shame and no fear.  Trust me, it's more than a little liberating.

"Bisexuals are just greedy!"

"Bisexual girls are just lesbians who are too scared to come out of the closet."

"Bisexual girls are just straight girls who make out with other girls so guys will buy them drinks."

"Bisexual girls are total sluts who will fuck anything."

Hi.  I'm the New Age Amazon.  I'm bisexual.

Yes, you'll notice that I do not list myself as bisexual either here or on myspace.  Why?  Because of the tendency of people to believe the sort of STUPID things I've opened this rant up with.  I would get at least three or four messages a week from guys asking me if I wanted to hook up with them.  I couldn't figure out why, especially since my profile warns against such things.  But then I realized the only thing these guys were looking at was my sexual orientation.

Look, this may come as a shock to you, but being a bisexual doesn't lead me into wacky sexytime adventures.  It doesn't mean I'm spending every night with someone different, depending on what gender I feel like.  It doesn't mean I'm randomly making out with every hot person I run into.  It doesn't mean I'll fuck anything.  To that end, I'm working on a song titled "I'll Kiss Girls But I Won't Kiss You (Move Out of Your Mother's Basement Already)." 

I'm not going to whine and cry about "BUT IT'S HARD BEING A BISEXUAL!" because it's really not.  It's not something that really affects any aspect of my life aside from dating and sex.  Which I'm not seeing much of anyway these days, but that's beside the point.  My point being that bisexuals are just like everybody else, in reality.

But not in reality TV.

"A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila" is a new MTV reality show where 16 straight guys and 16 lesbians (and I ask where are the bisexuals in that crowd?) compete for the "love" of the "Queen of Myspace."

CLASSY.

As she puts it herself in her myspace blog:
but there is a catch.....the show will be about me finding love as a BISEXUAL!!!!! THAT IS CRAZY RIGHT? So on my new reality show there will be 16 male contestants and 16 female contestants all fighting for my love....the only twist is....yes, there is another twist....the only twist is that these guys and these girls have NO IDEA that I am bisexual and that they are competing against each others sexes!!! GUYS AGAINST GIRLS....WHO WILL I END UP HOOKING UP WITH????? WILL I BE STRAIGHT OR LESBIAN IN THE END?????

Oh my God!  How WACKY is that!  Finding love as a BISEXUAL!  IT'S SO DIFFICULT!

Fuck you.  It's not any harder than finding love as someone who identifies as straight or gay.  It's the same premise, you date, you find somebody you mesh with, you go steady, they break your heart and leave you a hollow husk of a woman. 

But I want to know, will we also see you MAKING BREAKFAST AS A BISEXUAL?  How about DRIVING A CAR AS A BISEXUAL!  Maybe even BUYING LIGHTBULBS AS A BISEXUAL!  The drama!  The struggle!  The RATINGS!  Because everything's DIFFERENT when you're bisexual, right?!

And as for the "Will I be straight or lesbian in the end," here's a wacky idea.  You'll be bisexual.  Like you are now.  Dating one gender does not mean you'll stop being attracted to the other. 

But continue to perpetuated that stereotype that bisexuals are just indecisive, honey.  It'll get you ratings and it'll give me plenty to rant about.

Why the fuck not?

8:49PM Dear Travis: The straight hair?  Mistake.

8:50PM Dear Paris: You are NOT Marylin Monroe.

8:51: HI PANIC!

8:56: Y HALLO THAR, FOO FIGHTERS!
Oh Dave Grohl, how you so awesome?

8:58: Yes, Linkin Park, you should bring Project Rev to more places.
LIKE PITTSBURGH, MOTHERFUCKERS!

9:00 PM COME ON BRIT, MAKE ME PROUD.
Oh BIT-BIT...
You phoned it in.  Your facial expression was screaming "Please don't let me forget the choreography."  There was no "umph" to your dance moves.  And if you wanted to wear that outfit, you really should have started out in a suit and stripped down to it.
But it wasn't a total trainwreck.  So, kudos.

And Sarah Silverman pwns.

9:08 PM: I take it back.  Sarah, you are upsetting and I would pay so much money for Samuel L. Jackson to come out and bitchslap you right now.

9:11 PM : ...Pete, I'm starting to believe you may be a closet furry.

MONSTER SINGLE OF THE YEAR: Rihanna "Umbrella"

9:14: Kanye, lose the glasses.  Just...no.

9:22: DON'T LISTEN TO THESE GUYS.  VOTE FOR GYM CLASS HEROES.

9:23: And Jennifer Hudson is GORGEOUS

4x THREAT AWARD: Justin Timberlake
Ugh.  That DOUCHE?  Should have been Bono.

9:25 : FOB PARTY!
Patrick, you PIMP!  Take me now!

9:31 And we're back with the Foo Fighters :D

9:33: Oh, just kiss already, boys.  It'll get you better press.

EARTH SHATTERING COLLABORATION: Beautiful Liar - Beyonce ft. Shakira
Shock!  I figured it was going to be Sexyback!  This is great though!

9:36: "Wake up Call!" I LOVE THIS SONG!  So hot!

9:47: Chris Brown: You were obviously lip synching.  The dnacing was cool though.
And you brought Rihanna.  You're forgiven.
OMG...BILLY FUCKING JEAN!  CHRIS BROWN, I THINK I KINDA LOVE YOU.

9:50: Hayden, you are so pretty.  But I really hope you don't end up like most of the rest of young Hollywood.  I trust that your cast mates on Heroes will keep you from that.
You see, Milo is caring older brother type who listens to you, Grunberg lays down the law, Adrian has the stern face going on, and Sendhil is the one who talks them into ungrounding you for good behavior.
No, I have NOT thought about this too much, dammit!

9:55: Please note, if you vote for Carrie Underwood, I WILL CUT YOU WITH A LINOLEUM KNIFE.

MALE ARTIST OF THE YEAR: Justin Timberlake
I will not make a "dick in a suit" joke...I will not make a "dick in a suit" joke...
YOU'RE 25, YOU DUMB FUCK.  THAT'S NOT OLD.

10:00 PM : Darling Nikki cover...
...and my pink parts begin to tingle...

"Shot at Love?" WTF?  That looks like it'll be a rant in and of itself.

10:04: And as Justin Timberlake is walked back to his party, he is attacked by a SURPRISE FRANK IERO!
Not really, but fuck do I wish so.

10:06 : SHIA.  When did you get so hot?
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull?  Sweet.

FEMALE ARTIST OF THE YEAR: Fergie
Ludacris accepting for her.  Why do I find that so fucking funny?

10:12: I really do love Pam Anderson.  She's just awesome.
And this beauty queen show looks like absolute shit.  But I have no patience for beauty queens.

10:17 The party looks awesome.
BRENDON FUCKING URIE!
And apparently he was singing "Also into cats."  Brendon?  I'm a dirty old woman, but I love you so hard.

LINKIN PARK!!!  fucking awesome!

10:23: I really need to watch Entourage.

BEST GROUP: FALL OUT BOY!!!!!
I mean...excellent.  Yes.
<.<
>.>

10:32: Rihanna performing with FOB.
That may be the coolesting thing ever.

Kid Rock "I eat breakfast."
Yes, I'm sure you do, Kid.  I'm sure you do.

Nelly: please put on a suit.  It won't kill you.  I promise.

10:35: Alicia, honey, the hair?  NO.  JUST NO.

I WOULD LIKE TO SEE A PARTY OTHER THAN KANYE'S PLEASE!

10:43: Mmmmm...Gym Class Heroes :D
Jamie Fox...mmmmm

Who won between Kid Rock and Tommy Lee?  Nobody really cares.
(It was totally Tommy Lee, I will hear nothing differently)

J-Garner is totally confused.  That's what fucking Ben Affleck does to you kids.

BEST NEW ARTIST: Gym Class Heroes!!!!!!
TRAVI, YOU REALLY ARE A BIG DEAL!

Miss Teen South Carolina, get the fuck out.  You are pretty and stupid.  That's it.

10:56: Mary J. Blige, you are absolute gorgeous and look so classy.
Dr. Dre, you deserve the applause.  You brought so much to the world musically.

VIDEO OF THE YEAR:  RIHANNA FT. JAY Z -"UMBRELLA"

Can't say I'm shocked.  Go Rihanna.

11:05: Nelly Furtado...I'm taking that hat away.  Just...no.

11:09: Oh Justin, make it MORE obvious you're lip synching, please.

...THAT'S IT?  I kinda expected something more...explosive to end the show.

Though I find it hysterical that Britney opened the show and Justin ended it.  Those crazy kids.

I was tagged by hiddentrack.  But I will not be tagging because that's just how I am.

• 1. Tell us in 10 steps your music life story
• 2. You tag 10 people.
• 3. You CANNOT tag someone who has already been tagged.
• 4. You have to let the people you tagged know that they've been tagged.

1. (Early 1980's) I'm a huge fan of Cindy Lauper.  Who's name I pronounce as "Cindy Wauper" because I'm only about 2 or 3 at the time.  I was born in 1982 and She's So Unusual was released in 1983, so this really is the earliest bit of music that affected my life.

2. (Early to mid 1980's) My father is a huge fan of the Beach Boys at this point, so most car rides with him involve listening to songs like "Surfin' Safari" and "Fun Fun Fun."  My father also has a life long love for Jimmy Buffet, which I will not only internalize, but will later by the only girl in my high school who knows (and will willingly sing) all of the lyrics to "Love Song from a Different Point of View."

3. (1989/1990) My aunt lets me listen to her copy of Like a Prayer by Madonna.  I'm instantly in love with it.  Of course, I didn't understand what she was talking about in half the songs, all I knew was that I loved the music. 
Later a girl in my girl scout troop told me that Madonna really believed in hating God and burning crosses and such.  At the time I just nodded and said "Oh," but inside I was thinking that couldn't be true.  She was singing about how loving someone was "like a prayer" so wasn't that a good thing?  Wasn't she saying that being in love with this guy was like talking to God?
I was more logical than I really should have been.

4. (Early 1990's) New Kids on the Block.
Don't laugh.  If you were a girl my age, you'd understand.

5. (1995) The film Mortal Kombat is released and my father buys the soundtrack.  This is really my first exposure to techno and industrial, but I end up liking the theme song mixes and "Juke Joint Jezebels" enough that they become part of my rollerblading soundtrack.

6. (1996) The Spice Girls release "Wannabe" and I cave to their Girl Powered glory.
Sporty was my favorite, for the record.

7. (1998) My friends begin introducing me to Marylin Mason, Tool and Silverchair.  I remember thinking I liked my music more mellow and positive and denied liking Manson until my cousin caught me singing "Cake and Sodomy" at my 16th Birthday.
I should add that by this point I had accepted my tomboy tendencies and my 16th birthday party was held at a lasertag venue with an arcade attached.  I was also a huge wrestling fan (my 16th birthday cake had black and green flowers, DX colors biotch!) and this was around the time I started lifting weights.
It was around this time that I was also exposed to the movie "Hackers" which caused me to start listening to more and more techno.

8. (1999) I earn my driver's license and inherit my mother's old red minivan (which I dubbed my "Big Red Machine").  A mess of cassettes can always be found in it, everything from the soundtrack to "Detroit Rock City" (Manson's cover of "Highway to Hell" is fucking awesome) to the soundtrack to "Hackers" (mostly for when I was driving in the evening or at night) to J'Lo (LET'S GET LOUD!) to...the motherfucking Backstreet Boys.
This is also around the time my obsession with Aerosmith begins.  "Big Ones" was a constant driving soundtrack and I once handed in a paper at school that contained nothing but the lyrics for "Deuces are Wild."

9. (college, 2001-2005) I moved away and everything got bigger and different.  My new friends introduced me to music and I ended up liking:
-Oasis
-Robbie Williams
-Travis
-The Manic Street Preachers
-Dar Williams
-The Beatles
-Snake River Conspiracy
-Concrete Blonde

Time with the idiot manboy would leave me with a serious distaste for Metallica, but I managed to retain a love for Green Day and The Offspring. 

10. (now) I like to call now "The Rebirth of the Bitch."  My musical exposure has been expanded since getting involved with sites like buzznet and talking with more music-minded friends about groups like My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy.  I've found a lot of positive things in music and taken a lot of strength from it.  "Sugar We're Going Down" became the anthem for my break up with the Idiot Manboy, "There's a Good Reason..." never fails to cheer me up, and I have promised friends, and will promise the rest of you, some good pictures of an "Early Sunset over Monroeville" this October :P.

So that's it.  There's a whole lot more I could talk about, but I won't.  Because my 10 steps are over.  NOW GET OFF MY LAWN YOU CRAZY KIDS!

An inside source may or may not have let me in on the recent clandestine activities of a certain "Queerer than thou art" internet "celebrity." He may have been seen showing more than a passing interest in several members of the fairer sex in recent months...say since about 2003?

Of course, this could just be a phase he's trying to get "bi."

Just talked to my father on the phone and had him laughing as I was adlibbing stories about bad work experiences.  I said "You know, I wish I didn't suck at this in front of other people.  'Cause then I could do stand-up."

And he suggested I try.

So what do you think?  Should I give it a try?  Write a bit and then find a local open mike night?  Pray that I don't fall flat on my face?  Or should I cower in my apartment and the sweet, sweet anonymity of the internet?  I don't know.  I'm confused.

I think I could be funny :(

Author Madeleine L'Engle has passed away.


You're given the form, but you have to write the sonnet yourself. What you say is completely up to you.
- A Wrinkle in Time

Weird dream last night.  Even weirder was how much I remember of it this morning.

Apparently I was this revolutionary of some sort, I know that I was fighting against someone that had taken power and was really fucking with people's free will.  I was apparently higher ranking, I had people under me that I was responsible for.

But at some point I turned myself over and agreed to stop fighting.  As part of my "reassignment" I was forced to turn over my uniform (it looked mostly like military fatigues, and there was a hat, the hat was important) and watch them destroy it, smash it until it was unrecognizable.  I tried to reach for the hat at one point, but couldn't get to it, the machine smashing it would have taken my arm off and I was scared.

They (two girls, no names were really given) were leading me out of the basement where they were doing this, and bragging to me about the newest people to show up.  I looked up and realized that several of my own troops had turned themselves over.  I screamed at them to run, to not be as stupid as I had been, to get the fuck out while they could.

The two people leading me attacked me, trying to shut me up.  I fought back, managed to lock one in a chokehold and she was flailing in pain if I so much as touched her.

But someone managed to knock me out and I never saw what happened.

And this morning I was wondering if my troops, my GIRLS, got away.  If they really did turn and run and fight back.  Or if they went along with it like I had, just turned themselves in and watch as something special to them, a symbol of something they were, their strength and their resistance to being what they were SUPPOSED to be, was destroyed and they were powerless to stop it.

...he REALLY DID get married.

I don't know how I feel about this.

Actual verification:

I was linked to this earlier and despite my dislike of everything Star Wars, I was laughing harder than I really should have been.

I present to you, EPISODE III: BACKSTROKE OF THE WEST!  (Via Winterson.com)

So the Amazon Summer '07 World Tour is over.

Philly was awesome and relaxing.  Didn't really do much, just hung out and ate more than I should have.

Now all travel is on hold until November when I trek to NYC for my birthday.  Hopefully with a new tattoo in tact.

Will be updating later this week with a review of "The Plain Janes," a graphic novel that I got ahold of this weekend.  Will also be doing some shameless Black Canary and Neil Gaiman fangirling, but not in the same post.

Oh, and there's this little comic called "The Umbrella Academy" coming out later this month.  Maybe I'll write something about that when it comes out.

Maybe.