Why isn't 'Batgirl' a valid career choice?

So, for reasons I can't totally explain, I recently decided that Pink, the pop singer, needs a dragon.



Just a small one.  She could wear it on her shoulders.  I picture the little guy or gal wrapping its tail around her upper arm protectively.

This has made me start to think about other rock stars who need mythological or not so much animals as their familiars.  Not like the His Dark Materials style Daemons, more just creatures that bond with them on a certain level.

So, what other rock stars/celebrities need familiars?  I've kinda got this running gag about Gerard Way having a bat, but that's a long story I won't get into.  Come on, gimme examples!  I might share some of my favorites in a new post!

Head to the official website to get yours!

Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters. 



It's been awhile since I picked up anything new (I re-read the three books in Marion Zimmer Bradley's Avalon series that I actually like, Mists, Lady and Priestess), and I came across this book while looking up slang for sex on wikipedia.  Turns out the title is Victorian slang for cunnilingus (and may have joined "slipping the ferret" and "tuning my humbucker" as one of my favorites). 

The novel is a Victorian Lesbian Mellodrama (yes, all of those words DID need to be capitalized, thank you).  And I'm really REALLY enjoying it so far...except that my brain, being my brain, keeps wanting to add steampunk elements to it.

Abstractfuries, I place the blame for this solely on YOUR shoulders! (And when you get your goggles, I want a pair of overalls and a big fucking wrench).

Well, you and that script for a steampunk version of Hackers, entitled Clockers, that bulletproofheeb sent me awhile back.

So it's started.  Everywhere you go, everywhere you turn...Christmas music.

Now, personally I don't mind it.  I like Christmas.  The holidays and the feeling and the lights...it all makes me very, very happy.  But I know that sometimes the music can be a bit...well, to put it lightly, crappy.

So that's why you need Christmas Music that Doesn't Suck.  Because otherwise you end up having to listen to Leon Redbone on repeat the entire holiday season.  Because your father LIKES listening to him croon off-key for some unknown reason.  And now the simple mention of his name makes your fingers twitch because THAT CHRISTMAS ALBUM IS CRAP, BUZZNET.

Ahem.

This week's suggestion is something I picked up on a whim while working at Best Buy.  Keep in mind, we put our Christmas music out on Halloween (which led to me pricing Christmas CD's while dressed in full pirate regalia...all hail his noodley appendage!)  The idea intrigued me, so I spent a few bucks with my employee discount and picked it up.

Merry Mixmas: Christmas Classics Remixed is a CD featuring classic versions of Christmas songs remixed by modern DJ's. 



Imagine what happens when The Awayteam gets a hold of Nancy Sinatra singing "The Christmas Waltz."  It's awesome.  Songs you've heard a thousand times retooled in such a way to make them awesome again.  There's even a remix of "Christmas Time is Here" by the Vince Guaraldi Trio, you know, the song from "A Charlie Brown Christmas?"

Personally, I'm going to recommend "Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer Mambo (Malibu Remix)," and "Baby, It's Cold Outside (Arp Remix)" (they remixed DEAN FUCKING MARTIN!).  But the whole CD is the sort of thing you can put on in the background of a party and wait to see who picks up on the fact that these are not the songs you remember.

Next time around: either a charity album that has nostalgic value for me, or something involving fedoras.  Haven't quite decided yet!  

Cobra Starship presale was today and because of my pay schedule I couldn't afford to get presale tickets.

Hopefully I'll score general admission.  I really REALLY want to see these guys live and a small venue show would be awesome.  Plus, this would totally force me to get over some of my social anxieties.

Ran into the lip-ring guy on the bus again this morning.  Feeling kind of badass in my black heeled boots (into which I have inserted insoles from an old pair of Vans sneakers that died this past summer, so now my feet aren't killing me with every step I take) I got up the guts to snap two (bad) pictures of him with my cell phone, as well as to say something to him before I got off the bus.

With a smile I said "I like your lip ring," pointing to my own lip to indicate to him what I was saying.

He replied by looking surprised, smiling, and thanking me.

Not the GREATEST social interaction in the history of man, but hey, it's a start, right?

And if lip-ring guy, or one of his friends, is reading this?  HI!

EDIT:

Because they were demanded, and I'm apparently a fucking STALKER:




They are bad pictures, as you were warned.

Also, I couldn't get the side of his face with the lip-ring.  That'll have to wait for another day, apparently.  Or not.  God I'm fucking creepy.

from Penny Arcade

                                          

Former Toy-Making Elf	Former Mormon
Current occupation: dentist	Current occupation: Panic! at the Disco font man
Affinity for cute hats	Affinity for cute hats
Runs off with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer	Ran off with Ryan the Soup Bringing Hippie Ross
Meets a silver and gold obsessed prospector	Meets Jon Walker
Story is told by a magical snowman	…[insert joke about Spencer Smith here] …[insert joke about inserting things here]
Wonders why he is such a misfit	Is more of a Beatles fan, himself
Opened a dentist’s office at the North Pole	May be planning to open a dentist’s office at the North Pole…you never really know with him
Adorable	Adorkable
Still needs to implement a decent dental plan for the Toy Making Elves Union	Still needs to show up in pirate garb and grab my boobs.

 

To every girl who's gotten a CHAIN E-MAIL
about being a so called "GOOD GIRL"




To every girl who sees the TOXIC NICENESS
and wants to VOMIT IN HER OWN MOUTH.

To every girl who realizes PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BULLSHIT
went out with POODLE SKIRTS




To every girl who won't PRETEND
to find something funny JUST TO GET A BOY.

To every girl who's UNAFRAID
to approach him and MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.




To every girl who REFUSES
to just SIT BY THE PHONE for a call and is busy
OUT LIVING HER LIFE when he calls, because she UNDERSTANDS THE CONCEPT OF VOICEMAIL.

To every girl who hasn't had her backbone SURGICALLY REMOVED.




To every girl who can realize that if he DOESN'T LIKE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE
the problem isn't that HE CAN'T SEE YOU'RE GOOD ENOUGH
it's that YOU'RE WAY TOO GOOD FOR HIM.

To every girl who REALIZES
that losing your virginity is a PERSONAL choice
and that some girls have sex BECAUSE THEY LIKE IT
not just to PLEASE A GUY.

THANK YOU for existing.

Faye vrs. Tank Girl was a blow out (25%|75%).  Faye severly underestimated how little good her sex appeal would have against Rebecca and her own big guns.  Though Faye was smart enough to save most of her ammo until Rebecca's tank had blown it's load.  Though in the end, Tank Girl sacrificed her hidden cache of beer to take Faye down and out.

Tifa vrs. Buffy was also a takedown (34%|66%).  Both girls traded blows back and forth, slamming each other up against the arena walls.  Buffy finally managed to distract Tifa by crying out "Hey!  Is that a red-haired Ancient who was macking on your boyfriend?"  A few hard blows later, Tifa was down and Buffy was triumphant.

This week's polls will be going up at odd times because of the holiday weekend.  But be sure to vote on:

Sarah Connor vrs. Ellen Ripley

and

Claire Bennet vrs. Robin Sena

Ah, the Disney Princesses.  Delicate.  Dainty.  Marketable.


Okay, I'll be blunt.  I'd be a terrible Disney Princess.  And there's a lot of reasons I'm THANKFUL I'm not a Disney Princess.











AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, I'M THANKFUL I'M NOT A DISNEY PRINCESS BECAUSE:

In this journal I'm going to address the concept and the act of sex.  There are words that might embarrass you to read.  There are things that might make you a little uncomfortable.  And that's perfectly fine, but there's something I need to say:

People have sex.

People have sex EVERY FUCKING DAY.  Men and women, men and men, women and women.  Sometimes in groups, sometimes two by two.  Sometimes it's a quick fuck before breakfast, sometimes it's long, slow lovemaking on a Saturday afternoon.  Sometimes it's for procreation, sometimes it's to pledge your love to each other, sometimes it's just for fun.

People have sex with their husbands and wives.  With their boyfriends and girlfriends.  With their best friends forever and with that random guy they met at the bar earlier that evening.  People have sex with protection, to keep each other and themselves safe.  People have sex without protection, and that can lead to trouble if you aren't ready for it.  Sometimes, even if you are ready for it.

Sex can feel very, very good.  Orgasms can leave you shaking, sweaty and dazed.  They are one of those simple-yet-amazingly complex beauties in life.  They're wet and/or gooey, sometimes messy, sometimes short, and women can have several of them in a row.  You can make YOURSELF orgasm, actually, whether you're a boy or a girl.  I highly recommend it for both genders, and I also recommend you not be ashamed when you do it, however you do it (hands, frottage, vibrators, dildos, etc.).

Sex doesn't mean "penetration."  Sex isn't just penis in vagina.  There's oral, anal, titty-fucking, hand jobs, fingering, and more.  There's a lot of ways to twist and turn and angle.

The point is SEX HAPPENS.  Your teachers, your coworkers, guys and girls in the bands you like, maybe even some of your friends have had sex.  Your PARENTS have probably had sex at some point.  The girl writing this blog has had sex. 

Are we all on the same page, now?

Also:

Dear MTV Executives,

Recently it came to my attention that not only were you planning a second season of A Shot At Love, your so called "bisexual 'reality' show," you also had the audacity to refer to this show as "ground breaking" and "stereotype shattering."

I'm wondering what sort of stereotypes you consider yourself to have shattered.  If it's the idea that bisexuals don't exist, I guess MAYBE I can give you some leeway.  But as far as I can tell, all your show did was RE-ENFORCE the following stereotypes:

1) Bisexuals are just indecisive about whether they're gay or straight
2) Bisexual girls are WHORES
3) Bisexual girls = hot male wish fulfillment, bisexual guys = TOTAL FAGS!

So it looks like you believe that by slapping the term "bisexual" and "reality" on a show, you suddenly make it groundbreaking.  Well, with that in mind, I would like to pitch to you MY bisexual reality show, guaranteed to be 50% MORE bisexual than A Shot At Love and 33% more reality.

The show follows me on my every day adventures as a bisexual woman.  It sees me working, shopping, hanging with friends, and, like every bisexual woman, stopping the forces of the Rift Dimension from invading Earth and enslaving humanity.

When in times of trouble I transform into my alter ego (also bisexual) and call upon my friends, the (lesbian) Lorelei, a battle hardened warrior, the (sexually confused) Amber, a young woman who is just beginning her life as a warrior, and the (totally straight, don't worry!) Bryan, the man who must both fear and protect me.

The Rift Dimension, as everyone knows, is ruled by the (bisexual) queen Dyanna, who has a habit of wandering around in revealing outfits and damn near humping everything in sight (like bisexuals DO, you know?).  I'm sure by mid season she will have captured me and tortured me at least once, but about halfway through the torture session it will turn out that, hey, I'm LIKING it (because, bisexual = kink freak, duh!).  My friends will save me but I will end up being drawn to Dyanna, calling into question the side I have chosen in the war (just like my actual sexual orientation is in question!  It's TOTALLY metaphoric!).

I'll also be riding into battle on my Battle Panther named Bloodfang.  PETA should relax, however, because she has assured me through our telepathic link that she serves me under her own free will.  Also, we'll probably try to have sex at some point because, remember, I'm bisexual and will fuck anything.

I will be awaiting my first check and camera crew by the end of the year.  Looking forward to working with you!

-Ashly

So, after months of avoiding bars, I ended up on the southside last night.

The southside is pretty much bar after bar after bar, with a few stores and venues mixed in.  My friend Gwen and I ended up heading out around 9:30 and started our night at...okay, I don't remember the first bar we went to.  I know I had a pretty well mixed Captain's and coke...and then a double shot of Captain's.  Which might explain why I don't remember the name of the place.

Anyway, the place was crowded, filled with hot guys, but sadly none of them were interested in talking to us.  Actually, nobody was interested in talking with us, and what good is trying to meet people if they won't talk to you?

I should note that I decided to smoke last night.  Because I wanted to be that girl.  The cigarettes completed the outfit (the rest of it was a pair of dark dyed blue jeans, a white shirt with a black cami under it, and my new high heeled black boots).  I also blatantly abused my black liquid eyeliner.

Eventually we got sick of that bar and headed down to Smokin' Joe's Saloon.  That was more interesting, as Gwen began ranting at me about Scarlette Johansen being cast in "The Other Boleyn Girl."  She's a history major with an intense interest in the reign of Henry VIII, so for her it's like a slap in the face. 

A drunk near us told her she should be happy, at which point I told him that she WAS happy.  He then talked to us drunkenly and asked how long we'd lived in the city.  Gwen heard it as "How long have you been together?" and asked him to clarify.  She then ended up telling him "No, we're not a couple."  His response:

"You know, I kinda thought you were, because you two look like your typical dyke couple, but then I heard you talking about wangs."

The night got more interesting as we flirted with the bartender (always a safe bet as you're going to get better treatment and possibly comped drinks, I think we only paid half price for most of our drinks last night) who took to throwing drink stirrers at us whenever he came to our end of the bar.  Roughly 33% of those ended up in my cleavage. 

There was also something about my breasts being a form of enlightenment that we came up with.  I challenged the ceiling fans at Smokin' Joe's to become enlightened by my nipples.  Please note: my shirt stayed on the whole time.

We were there until last call, after which we hit up Eat N Park at 3AM, and I have not seen 3AM at a diner in the longest time.

Long story short:

1) I didn't meet anyone "special"
2) I'm apparently a very convincing lesbian
3) My cleavage is a magnet for drink stirrers
4) My boobs bring enlightenment
5) My hangover was not as bad as it could have been
6) My days of social smoking have begun again

All in all, not a terrible weekend.

WARNING: THERE ARE SPOILERS HERE.  ALSO, SCREENCAPS OF THE FILM'S SEX SCENE.



So...Pete Wentz...yeah.




Still can't act.

That's not the film's biggest problem.  In fact, most of Pete's screen time isn't even spent talking, it's spent in an extended sex scene.  Which, hey, Pete Wentz?  Sex scene?  You get NO complaints from me.











Mostly it's that the film is utterly bland.  It's NOTHING new.  Rebellious lovers, psycho girlfriend who was abused as a child who has manipulated her doting boyfriend into helping her achieve revenge, and a big reveal at the end regarding the pair's captive.

Honestly?  Nothing about this film is different, new, or exciting.  It's an episode of CSI that's been done over and over again.  On top of that is the blatant comparison drawn between humans and lions...the female is the hunter who takes care of the pack.  Even the scene where the girlfriend is reading the titular book to the captive and revealing that she was sexually abused is cliched...it's meant to be a scene of innocence lost, but mostly it just lost my interest.





It's true that there are only so many stories you can tell, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to tell something differently.  And nothing this film does is different or new.  It's a good attempt, but ultimately nothing special, nothing shedding new light on the idea of lost youth.  I'm not even going to touch on the way it addresses female manipulation, with the girl falsely accusing her boyfriend of rape in order to "take care" of things.  I try to remember that the film is seemingly trying to convey the idea that she is what the men in her life made her.

Basically, if you're a Pete Wentz fan, I suggest watching it at least for the sex scene.  The boy isn't a great actor most of the time, but the foreplay and sex scene are really well done.  Meaning that if Pete decides to do more films, I think he should consider a career in porn.  It's not like we haven't seen his equipment already.

But if you're just looking for a good short film?  This isn't terrible, but it's utterly forgettable.  I wouldn't bother to pay for it.

And now, some shots of post-coital Pete to sooth the raging fangirls who are offended by my comments on Petey-pie's acting ability:



Thanks to your mom* for the screencaps!

*no, really, that's who I was told to credit them to.

Ah, the first snowfall of the year!  No accumulation, but it's the first morning I've woken up and walked to the bus stop while sparkling flakes drifted down around me.

Of course, I forgot what this does to drivers in this city.

I now recreate, in detail, the thoughts I assume go through the head of your average driver when faced with the year's first snowfall:

It's SNOW, people of Pittsburgh.  Get used to it.  You'll be seeing a fair amount of it from now until about June.

Fall Out Boy covering "Trogdor: The Burninator."



(If nothing else, Joe Trohman should consider this as something he can do as penance for missing SEVERAL "Riff of the Month" blogs)

Sometimes, the media can be such a male dominated industry it's hard for a girl to feel like she has a place.  But luckily, there are the women in the media who stand up and make themselves heard.  Here are five of them:

5) Tina Fey


The first female head writer of Saturday Night Live, as well as a powerfully intelligent on screen presence, Tina Fey is smart, funny and sexy.  She was also responsible for the movie "Mean Girls," a definitive and truthful teen comedy.

4) Pink

Originally marketed as "the pop alternative to Britney and Christina," Pink has since forged her own identity as a powerful pop icon.  Her latest album "I'm Not Dead" included condemnations of the "Stupid Girls" in society as well as an open letter to George W. Bush about his practices and policies that she refused to release as a single because she didn't want the message to be lost.

3) Lynda Carter

The original Wonder Woman has not only aged gracefully, she's over come eating disorders and the Hollywood mindset.  Also, kudos to her for speaking out and saying that the new Wonder Woman should not be a waifish starlet, but an undiscovered who can look and act the part.

2) Gina Torres

Known for "tough girl" roles such as Zoe in Firefly and Serenity, and one of three futuristic ass kickers in the amazingly campy Cleopatra 2525, Torres is statuesque, tough and yet always manages to be feminine as well.

1) Madonna

Love her or hate her, you can't deny that Madonna's impact on the way people look at women in the media.  From the very beginning she pushed the limits of what was acceptable for a woman to say or think about her sexuality.  She and her music explored the taboos of expressing yourself, of being comfortable with the person you are, and the idea of personal change and growth.  Now, if we could just convince her she's not British...

Like it?  Hate it?  Want to give me flack for Madonna being at the top of my list?  Think you can do better? Let me know in your comments!

So far, it's totally awesome :)

WHEN DID I GET THAT BUZZMAKER BADGE?

DOES THIS MAKE ME A SCENE QUEEN?

WHEN DOES BRENDON URIE SHOW UP IN A PIRATE OUTFIT TO GROPE MY BOOBS?

There's this idea of the cult of nice in this world.  It seems that in a lot of ways we believe that equality means that nobody should ever be criticized for anything, mistakes shouldn't be pointed out.  Are we not human?  Do we not all make mistakes?  If you prick us, do we not bleed?

It's a scenario I ran into in a lot of workshops and writing classes, especially early on in college.  Nobody wanted to say anything critical about anyone else's work because when your turn to have your work evaluated came, somebody might have the audacity to point out that it wasn't perfect.  We want to believe that just trying our hardest is enough, that results don't really matter so long as you put your heart into something.

And I really, really hate to say that's not true.  But it's NOT.

As a junior in college I took an entry level poetry class as an elective.  Mr. Bulletproofheeb was also in this class and it was actually because of this class that we are now such good friends.  Also, there was this guy named Arthur who may or may not have been gay, and I so TOTALLY would have hit that given the chance.  But I digress.

Many of the students in this class were freshmen, as is typical of entry level writing classes.  Many of them were coming from situations where they were exceptional writers in high school and received a lot of praise from fellow students and teachers.  And hey, in high school that's great, I was in that situation myself.

Unfortunately, these people were not used to being criticized.  At all.  Ever.

During our first group workshop, myself and another student made the mistake of pointing out that the imagery in one girl's poem was not really specific enough.  We both figured this was important because the assignment was an imagery exercise.  We both commended the poem, but said that there were a few points where she could have been more specific.

And we were both attacked by the two boys flanking the poet, who told us we were wrong and couldn't criticize her poetry because it comes from your SOUL and what did we know?

The point of that little walk down memory lane is simple: most people don't know how to take being told that despite trying their hardest they didn't do well enough.  It leads to an idea of entitlement.  You tried, you deserve something.  And yeah, you do deserve to be proud that you tried and tried your hardest, but the world doesn't run on your good intentions.

This leads us to Ebert's Law:

When you ask somebody to try their own hand at something before criticizing your efforts, you have violated Ebert's Law and lost the argument. Roger Ebert is not a filmmaker, but he knows what he likes and doesn't, and has every right to say so. Similarly, people don't need to be chefs to recognize a good restaurant, or musicians to appreciate a symphony. Person 1: Your story is rubbish! Person 2: I bet you couldn't do better! Person 2 has violated Ebert's Law

Why does this come up?  Because in a recent poll, there was an outcry of "HEY!  YOU CAN'T CRITICIZE BONO IF YOU DON'T DO HUMANITARIAN EFFORTS YOURSELF!!1!!1"

Hate to point it out, but nobody was condemning him for his work.  What Bono has done for the world and social activism is a hell of a lot more than most people in his position.  And you know what?  I think he's sincere.  I really believe he believes in everything he says.  I also believe this of Fall Out Boy, who were nominated, and I think Kanye West had a hell of a lot of guts to say what was on a lot of people's minds in the wake of Hurricane Katrina: if the people in danger had been rich white people, then the current administration would have done everything to protect them.

That being said, I think sometimes Bono can be too pushy with his views.  I think sometimes Fall Out Boy DOES seem insincere, especially a few scenes from the "I'm Like a Lawyer" video (where the Ugandans are watching the video for "Dance, Dance" mostly).  I also think Kanye has taken to blaming racial discrimination for too much recently (you can't claim you didn't get an MTV Video Award because of your race when the Video of the Year award went to a BLACK FEMALE ARTIST, NUMBNUTS).

Does this in anyway change what they have done?  No.  They are still trying to make people aware of very real social issues.  In many cases, they are reaching out to people who wouldn't normally know about these situations, using their fame to enlighten them.  I know many of you feel it's sad that a lot of people wouldn't care about the Burma situation if it weren't for Pete Wentz, but you don't think he knows that?  He uses his public face to get word out to a group of people who wouldn't normally know or care about something, and if in the end the people of Burma are helped by it why does it MATTER?  The reason these people push social change is because they want to see it happen, because they know if they don't speak out then maybe nobody else will.  They understand the power they have in the media and if they want to use it to encourage AIDS research, support for the people of a troubled nation, equality, better education, mental health or whatever their topic of choice may be GOOD FOR THEM.

But it doesn't make them exempt from us pointing out their flaws.

This rant got a little out of hand.  My point in general is: every Saint has a past, every Sinner has a future.  We're both and neither at the same time.  Sucks to be us, we are awesome.

Here's how you play:

Make a music mix featuring one song from every year you've been alive.  Doesn't have to be a top ten single, but should be listed by Wikipedia as either being a top single in that year, or as having the album the song appeared on released that year.  Look at your life in music.  Or, you know, don't.

1982: "I Love Rock and Roll" - Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
1983: "Little Red Corvette" - Prince
1984: "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" - Cyndi Lauper
1985: "Material Girl" - Madonna
1986: "Walk This Way" - Run DMC ft. Aerosmith
1987: "Livin' On a Prayer" - Bon Jovi
1988: "Welcome to the Jungle" - Guns and Roses
1989: "Express Yourself" - Madonna
1990: "Opposites Attract" - Paula Abdul
1991: "Enter Sandman" - Metallica
1992: "Connected" - Stereo MC's
1993: "Heart-shaped Box" - Nirvana
1994: "Basket Case" - Green Day
1995: "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me" - U2
1996: "Tonight, Tonight" - The Smashing Pumpkins
1997: "Don't Speak" - No Doubt
1998: "Are You That Somebody" - Aaliya ft. Timbaland
1999: "Waiting for Tonight" - Jennifer Lopez
2000: "Californication" - Red Hot Chili Peppers
2001: "In The End" - Linkin Park
2002: "Hella Good" - No Doubt
2003: "Grand Theft Autumn/Where Is Your Boy" - Fall Out Boy
2004: "American Idiot" - Green Day
2005: "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" - My Chemical Romance
2006: "Stupid Girls" - Pink
2007: "Hum Hallelujah" - Fall Out Boy

How does your life look as a playlist?

I know, I know.  "Dammit, Ashly!  Why can't you just get back to writing funny shit about rock stars and coffee?"  But put up with this sort of stuff just until the end of the week and I PROMISE you that in the near future myself and bulletproofheeb will be working on something that's going to make Fangs vrs. Fur look simplistic.

But for now, let's talk about how I wasted my fucking life.

Okay, okay, not quite.  But let's talk about being somebody.

Since I was a kid I was always told that I had the tools to succeed.  I was "intelligent," had "personality" and, supposedly, "good looking."  So I grew up through middle and high school trying to figure out why I wasn't famous yet. 

I always blamed the fact that I was stuck in a small town until the age of 18, that my parents hadn't actually tried to make me a child star when they had chances, that I just wasn't in the right place.  I blamed my weight and my looks, and like a lot of girls developed a sense of extreme hatred towards my body.  If I was so wonderful, I reasoned, why weren't people calling me and asking me to be famous? 

Being the occasionally logical sort, I decided that the truth was I WASN'T any of those things people told me I was.  I was...well, I wasn't, really.  I wasn't anything special.

Then sometime around my 17th birthday, I blossomed.  Full out.  Found myself, my niche, my sweet caramel center if you will.  I wasn't ashamed of being myself anymore, I found things about myself that I liked, hell I LIKED MY BODY for the most part.  I was confident, ass kicking and kinda hot.




Then came college.  And the Idiot Man-Boy. 

Now, at almost 25, I'm looking back to those eight years ago (HOLY SHIT, EIGHT YEARS) when I found myself and wondering why I decided to lose myself.  More than that, I let somebody strip me down and take away what I was proud of, my independence, my self assurance, my spine.  I look at pictures of the sort of girls I could have been and I wish I'd have stuck it out.



Her?  I could have been her.  Well, not EXACTLY her, but I could have been the sort of girl who exudes confidence and has a sleeve tattoo.  I could have been the sort who tells people to fuck off if they don't like who I am.  Instead, I find myself wanting to apologize to people on the bus because they're checking me out and I would never date them.  Feeling guilty because I would shoot down the guy with no teeth who smells like piss.

It might be the retail mindset, "the customer is always right."  If you want to buy me, and I'm not available, I should be apologizing and offering to let you know when there's more in stock.  If you get belligerent I should do everything I can to make things better for you, to keep you happy.  I'm everybody's bitch, even my own.

So, in summation: I'm thinking about getting a lipring at some point.  Thoughts?  Feelings?

I have been wanting to approach this topic for some time, but needed to wait until I found a way to do so in as non-offensive a way as possible.  Mostly because what I'm touching on is kind of a sensitive subject for some people and I want to write this blog without being judgmental, overbearing, or unnecessarily bitchy.

So here goes:

I have nothing against most straight edge people.  Being straight edge is a personal choice.  I actually have to salute a lot of people who remain straight edge despite access to booze or drugs or what have you.

That being said, I ask that straight edge people offer me the same thing I offer them: respect my personal choice.

Look, I'm not going to force you to drink or smoke.  You don't want to, you don't want to.  There's nothing prudish or WRONG about deciding not to drink or smoke.  It doesn't mean you're weak or don't know how to live or whatever other insults people might sling at you.  You don't want to?  FINE, don't.  If you need the straight edge philosophy to help you out in life?  Shit, go for it!  Sometimes people need some sort of guiding philosophy to help them out and there's NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

However, do not go after me because I choose not to follow the same path that you do.  I drink on occasion and I smoke socially.  I had an alcohol problem in the past that I addressed (it was called "college").  Drinking does not make ME weak, it doesn't mean that I'm going to end up on heroin, it doesn't mean I'm going to end up having an ill-fated hook up that results in me getting AIDS.  It just means I sometimes have a glass of wine or a rum and coke to help me relax, I'll grab a beer with friends, or I'll get plastered because it's easier to write porn that way.

Wait, what?

Another thing to keep in mind is that people change.  Just because someone commits to being SxE at one point in their life doesn't mean it will always work for them.  It's THEIR CHOICE.  If they chose to start drinking?  They have the right.  The only time it becomes an issue is when they still claim to be edge but are drinking and/or doing drugs.  Whether I subscribe to this philosophy or not, even I can see the problem with that kind of hypocrisy.  People truly believe in that sort of thing, and if you are going to claim to believe it, have some respect for the others who really DO internalize it.

Also?  As a general note to everyone, PLEASE do not assume that just because someone refrains from drinking that makes them straight edge.  It doesn't make them straight edge unless they identify as straight edge.  If they simply choose not to drink, you know what that makes them?  A non-drinker.

Like I said, I have no issue with people who choose to be SxE.  My issue comes in when they are pushy and holier-than-thou-art about it.  I ask these people to face facts:

1. You cannot control what the people around you do
2. You cannot make life decisions for people around you, or even for people you do not know
3. Your way of life is not better or worse, simply different.
   
4. Your idols may, in fact, sometimes drink or smoke.  Deal with it.
5. Live and let live, motherfuckers.

I've been a caffeine addict since middle school.  At home we were only allowed to drink caffeine free soda because of my mother's heart condition (please note that my mother didn't actually DRINK soda at this point, which leads me to believe this was just a clever ruse to keep my brother and I away from caffeine), so when two friends (twin sisters, actually) introduced me to Jolt Cola during a theatre camp, well, things got interesting.  My first memorable experience with a caffeine rush involved me lying on a table claiming my legs didn't work anymore.




Since then, I have continued on my caffeine fiending ways, all the while avoiding that King of all things Caffeine: coffee.

I had never liked the taste of coffee.  Never.  I tried, BELIEVE ME, I tried.  But I just couldn't make myself like it.  I felt like I was somehow betraying my angsty high school poet stereotype by not being able to drink black coffee and chain smoke cigarettes.  This got worse in college when I discovered that I liked certain drinks from Starbucks, but apparently "good" English Majors didn't drink Starbucks coffee, that was reserved for those hussies in the Statistics department.  No, English Majors drank at independent coffee houses where the baristas were hot and the coffee was...actually, pretty fucking LOUSY.




I could drink lattes with no problem, once I got over my English Major anxiety (in other words, when I graduated college) I started frequenting Starbucks for the sheer joy of their mochas.  And, seasonally, Pumpkin Spice Lattes or Peppermint Mochas (tall, non-fat with whip, je parles Starbucks!)...it's almost that time of year again, folks!.  But I still couldn't drink out of the pot coffee.

Until recently.

See, I'm still a caffeine addict.  But with recent adjustments to my diet (namely, cutting out soda almost completely) I was left without a viable way of getting caffeine.  When I had money I could grab a mocha in the morning before work, but with my shoestring budget in the past few months that just hasn't been possible.

Sodas from the machine downstairs cost money.

In my office, coffee is free.




So it was time to buckle down and drink up.

I still can't drink it black, I prefer it with a decent amount of milk and sugar.  But it's coffee.  And it's to the point where I really CAN'T go a day without it.  In fact, my mother has informed me she's buying me a Target gift card for my birthday so I can actually buy myself a damned coffee pot for my apartment.  That way, weekends aren't torturous as I try to figure out how I'm getting my damned fix.

So what have I learned, folks?  That anyone, no matter how strong, can be made a slave to tiny fucking beans.

For the past two years, I have blamed myself for the end of my relationship and my boyfriend cheating on me.  I was told by many people that it wasn't my fault, but my own inclination was that, yes, it was in fact my fault.

But now, dear readers, now I have proof that it wasn't my fault.  Or my boyfriend's, for that matter.

No.  It was the ALIENS.

The Love Bite: Alien Interference in Human Love Relationships by Eve Frances Lorgen MA, is a book that...well...I'm just going to c and p from her website for this one:

The term was first coined the "alien love bite" by a small but growing number of aware abductees who began to realize that some of their love relationships were engineered by the aliens who abducted them. I deleted the "alien" notation from the description, because after working with many abductees, I realized that aliens were not the only ones responsible for these anomalous "pre-arranged" love relationships.

These alien orchestrated love bites often took the form of overwhelming love obsessions with an alien chosen targeted partner—another abductee. The targeted partner was sometimes another local abductee and other times the chosen mate was across the country or even in another country. For those abductees who were able to get together, the relationship was often short lived and passionate, leaving one of the partners in a state of unrequited love.

So, how do you know whether or not you've received an "alien love bite?"  Check your symptoms!

a. Multiple abduction histories. In most cases the person had numerous alien encounters and/or UFO sightings. In a few cases the targeted love bite partner did not realize him/herself to be an abductee. For example one partner was told by the" alien handlers" to have been abducted only for the purpose of the love bite relationship with a particular female abductee.

b. Memories of bonding scenarios in abductions, vivid dreams or virtual reality scenarios. Some have described it as a "stage managed" dream where both partners are present in a bedroom scene set up, where both individuals are being given telepathic messages to initiate contact, either on a verbal level or more physical sexual level. Oftentimes either partner appears to be in a tranced out or drugged state. Other stage-managed dreams and/or abductions may have the partners in various situations as if they are being tested for their emotional compatibility or coerced into thinking that this person would make an ideal romantic mate.

c. Supernatural Events and Synchronicities. Uncoincidental coincidences and psychic flashes concerning the targeted partner. Meeting the person seems to be set up in a supernatural way, such that the couple may believe their eventual union to be divinely arranged. A match made in heaven. A first meeting of the pre-bonded partner may set off a series of de ja vu memories, flashback memories of previous abductions or dream related bondings. Some have even described it as a "body memory" of having made love to that person before. One or both partners have a strong sense of having known the person before, as if they knew them all their lives or a strong soul connection.

d. Paranormal and supernatural phenomena increases during the love bite set-up. This may include empathic and even telepathic communication between the love bite pair. Spontaneous remote viewing images and mutually shared dreams. Other oddities may include the physical sensation of the partners "touch" or energy field when the other partner is thinking or fantasizing about them. This is known as Telesthesia, and is often experienced in a sexual way oftentimes in an altered state of consciousness. These conditions may propel either person to find the other, an obsession to find the dream partner.

e. Strong emotional, mental and even psychic connections with the bonded partner—such that it sets up the conditions and desire for them to meet one another. The connection can be so strong that they have described it as a soul immersion in their beloved or literally having their souls joined to one another. Another bi-product is the amplification of psychic abilities in both or one partner. Some MILAB abductees reported that the reason for the bonding was to amplify their psychic abilities, such as remote viewing to be later used in a secret mission or "mind controlled ops".

f. Love obsession. A need for one partner or the other to be with them to the point of becoming infatuated. This includes the need to meet the person, even if it is in secret, and having to hear the person’s voice on the phone, sometimes calling the person daily or several times a day. Just hearing the targeted partner’s voice may have a calming effect on the obsessed lover. Extreme anxiety may be felt if the obsessed person cannot hear that person’s voice or see them somehow.

g. The obsessed partner usually feels "love at first sight" and may lose all critical reasoning ability. Some have described it as having the compulsion to make sudden life decisions like moving away, changing jobs, getting divorced or going out of their way to do things for the targeted person. It has been compared to being under a "love spell" whenever the obsessed person hears their partner’s voice. They may go to great lengths to please the person—doing anything for them, even giving up their life for them.

h. Switching off. One or the other partners becomes unplugged emotionally, leaving the other in a state of unrequited love. Usually the obsessed lover becomes painfully unrequited after the other partner loses interest, often right after abduction. It has been described as the psychic and emotional unplugging of the targeted partner. Unfortunately the obsessed lover still feels the strong psychic/emotional connection, but the other "switched off" partner feels nothing, leaving the obsessed lover grieving. Or the conditions for the bonded lovers are such that it is impossible for them to consummate their strong love, such as both partners being married to others or living a great distance away.

i. Emotional turmoil in the unrequited partners life. These powerful emotions of love and grief may cause the person to be inspired with creative energy, so that they write poetry, music, or any other art form of creative inspiration. Conversely, the degree of emotional pain may throw the unrequited lover into suicidal tendencies, mental and physical exhaustion or illness.

j. Profound mystical experiences may also be perceived during the time of increased emotional processing or periods of prayer.

k. Increase in alien encounters during periods of high drama and emotional conflict. The alien encounters may also increase if the person gets involved in alternative sexual lifestyles or increased sexual activity—especially if its with the targeted love bite partner. Some have reported increases in reptilian activity with methamphetamine or "crack cocaine" abuse.

l. Some abductees have reported the bonding experience to take place more than once, whereby they have been on both sides of the love bite; the obsessed unrequited end, or the non-unrequited end. When they are on the non-unrequited end, a platonic friendship may be engendered. Some heterosexuals have suddenly become obsessed with a homosexual where a drastic change in lifestyle occurs.

Oh, humanity.  Sometimes you make me realize that if there are aliens (I'm not saying there are or aren't), they are probably avoiding us at all costs.

You love their music.

You love their stupid little faces.

But I ask you, good people of buzznet, WOULD YOU LIKE THE WAY THEY TASTE?

(STOP THINKING THOSE DIRTY THOUGHTS!  I KNOW YOU WERE.  I CAN SEE INTO YOUR BRAINZ!)



For the purpose of "scientific research," we here at the Buzznet Labs have set up a series of polls, designed to answer these very important questions:

IF PATRICK STUMP HAD A FLAVOR, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

IF RYAN ROSS HAD A FLAVOR, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

IF WILLIAM BECKETT HAD A FLAVOR, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

IF FRANK IERO HAD A FLAVOR, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

(a big thanks to the people that helped me out with flavor ideas and pictures!  You know who you are, which is good, because I don't.  That's the magic of anonymity!)

As my 25th birthday approaches, I have been trying to decide how to better my life.  But, as a pessimist, I tend to believe that it is too late for me to make the changes in my life that I want to.  So, I have made a list of my goals for the next year of my life:

1. Figure out the secrets of time travel.
2. Travel back to 1994, find myself at 12 and tell myself to take up playing either guitar, bass guitar, or drums, and to not put on so fucking much weight in my early 20's.
3. Insist that my younger self still go to college, but should NOT date that guy from Judo...actually, warn myself not to date any of the guys from Judo.
4. Tell my younger self not to be so bitter over the whole beauty pageant thing in our junior year of high school, it's really not worth it.
   
5. Rest assured that in some parallel universe, I am a hot chick bassist/guitarist/drummer who is probably not as bitter and angry as I am now...or is at least bitter and angry about different things.
6. Have a nice cup of coffee.

I really think that first step is going to be the biggest challenge, but once I've got that down it's all smooth sailing.

So let's pretend you can change anything you want in your past.  What is it and why?

In response to bulletproofheeb's post, I took a quiz.  It only hurt a little.

You like to live your own way and don't enjoy when anyone but a friend tries to tell you should do different.  Now if only the Reavers would quit trying to skin you.

My second place options were: Deep Space 9, The FBI's X-Files Division, The Heart of Gold (Hitchhiker's Guide) and the Nebuchadnezzar (Matrix).

I wanna be Zoe.