Why isn't 'Batgirl' a valid career choice?

Happy New Year, Buzznet!

So it only took me a month, but I'm finally getting around to posting some of the ideas from my "Yer a Wizard, Pink!" blog.

These were the ones contributed by buzznet users:


(by Breesays)
Anglina Jolie - Vulture

   

Britney Spears - Meerkat

 

(by Jennybean:)

Patrick Stump - Bear Cub (I went with Polar Bear, since Patrick's so pale!)

  

Hayley Williams - Hummingbird


  

(by ikkyg:)

Brendon Urie - Parrot


 

(by ella black:)

Mikey Way - Unicorn

 



Christina Ricci - Black Cat

 

And she originally suggested a gorilla for Pete Wentz, but he's already shown off his familiar as far as I know:



Got any more?  I'd like to hear about them!  Leave them in the comments, if you could.

So it's the interesting things you find out from your family here and there.

Take my father's side of the family.  I'm not real close to them, but they're the "nerdy" side of my family.  They're were I get my love of comics and cartoons and crazy stuff like that.  My aunt Kathy owns the entire first run of Teenage Muntant Ninja Turtles (and procured for me the entire first run 3-issue limited Voltron series back in the 80's!).  My aunt Kim watches South Park religiously.  My father and I spent our time at Christmas together discussing the need for a live action Doctor Strange movie.

I guess we come by it honestly.  After all, my grandmother was Mary Jane.

NO, SERIOUSLY.  SHE WAS MARY JANE.




She grew up across the street from a gentleman by the name of Steve Ditko.  Yes, THAT Steve Ditko.  Her name was Mary Jane.  She was a red head.

Want more?  She and Steve, the kind of geeky comic guy, didn't end up together.  She married my grandfather...who was in the military.  Also, Mary Jane was never supposed to be Peter Parker's love interest, it was MEANT to be Gwen Stacy.  That was changed after readers liked the spunky GIRL-NEXT-DOOR more.

My family has discussed this time and time again and the only conclusion we can come to is that yes, Virginia, my grandmother was probably the basis for Mary Jane Watson-Parker.

Sadly, this does not mean I have radio active spider powers.  I know.

I checked.

So, my hometown is this little place in Pennsylvania called Johnstown.  While I claim to be a Pittsburghian most of the time, the truth is I spent the first 18 years of my life in a place known mostly for it's tendency to flood at inappropriate times.

However, there is apparently another tradition that I constantly forget about, and that tradition is Johnstown's love for minor league hockey.  As discussed in the new book Slap Shots and Snap Shots, Johnstown is a city that has for a long time had a love affair with minor league hockey.  So much, in fact, that one of the 10 Greatest Sports Movies of all Time was filmed there in 1977: Slapshot.

Never let it be said that the city doesn't respect it's history.  The city went on to rename it's hockey team from the Johnstown Jets to the Johnstown Chiefs in honor of the film.  And while the team has a record that causes many to weep uncontrollably, there are hockey DIE HARDS in the city of Johnstown.  If Johnstown is really a mini-Pittsburgh, then the Chiefs are to Johnstown what the Steelers are to Pittsburgh (and if you don't know Steeler-nation...TRUST ME.  It's pretty much a big deal.).

While I was home over the holidays, I got to attend a hockey game that was in celebration of the 30th anniversary of Slap Shot, as well as the publication of the book and the anniversary of hockey in the city of Johnstown.  And what better way to celebrate than with the Hanson Brothers:











The guys were even good enough to help a longtime fan propose to his girlfriend on the ice in between periods.  Talk about one HELL of a proposal, huh?

And talk about one hell of a night.  The Chiefs got creamed, 3 to 1, but that's not much of a shock.  I honestly don't remember much of the game, but we did have really amazing seats (I scored a seat in a luxury box for the game).  Even more than that, it was getting to see a piece of hometown and cinema history.

All in all?  Pretty cool night in Johnstown.

Whatever you celebrate I hope it is/was/will be fantastic.  Just checking in to wish all of you the best.

I have some great stuff to write up about when I get back to Pittsburgh (including a fantastic night at a local hockey game involving a celebration of one of the 10 Greatest Sports Movies of All Time...hockey themed and filmed in PA, see if you can name the film!) and look forward to regular updates.

Later, folks :D

So, a little bit of this post is going to be about my father.  Sorry about that.

But my dad is a collector of stories.  All kinds of stories from so many different places.  He can recall them with stunning accuracy while making them his own, a trait I both appreciate and inherited.  My father is single-handedly trying to preserve the oral tradition of storytelling, I think.

He also has a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy themed Christmas tree.  I'm just sayin'.

But around Christmas, there was always one story we'd hear.  I don't know where he came by it, but it's one of my favorites.  And I want to share it with you, because that's what storytellers DO, we tell stories.  As is implied by our name.

The story is from the mythology of the Native American Miwok tribe.  While I have some N.A. blood in me (supposedly Crow, but my research shows that might not be the case...something else for me to discuss with my family over Christmas) it's definitely not Miwok...and definitely not from my father's side of the family.  Still, it's a story I consider MY family's.  And that's what matters to me.



As I said, I collect stories and share them.  If you have any you'd like to share with me, let me know in the comments.  I'd love to see them.

(Also, let me know if you want more of the stories I've collected over the years.  I have some great Norse myths.  The Norse were fucking AWESOME.)

Buzznet blogger Ashly, also known as the newageamazon, has been cast in a remake of "The Princess Bride."  The film will also star the decaying husk of Jonny Lee Miler's career and will feature Coyote (bulletproofheeb) as Vizzini.

"We're actually changing the story around a little while staying true the original vision," Ashly was quoted as saying.  "For example, my character's not really a peasent-turned-princess anymore, she's actually some type of faerie.  Or something.  Oh, and she might also be a motor-cycle riding ninja.  I haven't read the whole script yet."

This news comes hot on the heels of the announcement that Jessica Simpson and her father are planning to destroy all that is good and right in this world.

So, in case you haven't heard, Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant.

Cue the jokes and the whining about how she's just like her sister and yadda yadda yadda.  The point is, a 16 year old girl is pregnant.  NEWS FLASH: this is nothing new.

What's new is that it's a public figure at 16, someone on a series oriented towards young teens.  And suddenly it's not just the trash girls who smoke in the bathroom who are showing off baby bumps before graduating high school, it's the Spears some of us wanted to believe was the stable one.

Teenage pregnancy isn't something that is just suddenly becoming a problem.  It's not just now rearing it's ugly head.  But at the same time, it seems like it's something that America, at least, is unwilling to take a logical approach to.  Plenty of time and money has been spent on abstinence education...and it's CLEARLY not working.  Simply telling teens "DON'T PUT THAT THERE!" (or in French "Ne-la mettez pas la!") isn't working.  Because, believe it or not, teens are still putting that there.

Here's a crazy idea: teens shouldn't be kept in the dark about safe sex.

Whether the information comes from parents or school sponsored programs or television specials, the idea of safe sex NEEDS to be impressed upon people.  It's okay to teach that yes, abstinence is the only true way to be 100% safe, but if you're going to have sex there are items like condoms and oral contreception that will do you a lot of good.  Make sure you're using them correctly, make sure you know how to obtain them, but mostly MAKE SURE YOU'RE USING THEM.

There seems to be this opinion that intelligent and realistic discussion about sex with teens will cause them to have sex at a younger age.  But not talking about sex with them isn't really doing us any favors, now is it?  I can't say that it won't cause younger people to have sex, but I know that informed talks about birth control might lead to SMARTER sex.  16 year olds are already bumping hips, let's at least be sure they know how to come out of it with few stretch marks or burning sensations when they pee.

Jamie Lynn, I wish you luck at this time.  I know you've got an easier/harder situation...easier because of your money, harder because of you being in the public eye.  You're going to be the butt of a lot of jokes, you're going to be compared to your sister, but I will say this:  I know many teen mothers who turned out to be fantastic parents because they took responsibility for what happened (I won't say "mistakes" because I know at least one of those mothers wouldn't trade her children for the world.  It might have been unexpected, but I don't think she would ever consider her children a "mistake.").  It's how you deal, really, with the situation at hand.  Yes, I DO think that this sort of situation can and should be prevented, but I salute those women who DEAL.

HOW THE GRINCH PISSED OFF THE NEWAGEAMAZON:

Now the Emos down in Emoville liked guyliner a lot
But the Grinch who lived in Mount Lebanon DID NOT!
The Grinch hated guyliner, and a bassist named Pete
he was the the grinchiest Grinch you ever did meet!
Some say that his column just wasn't fair
to suggest that only women should really care
about their looks and their smiles and of course their weight
because only WOMEN should care about attracting a mate.
He blamed all their brain chemistry for the fate they were resigned
even though he seems like the type to argue we were intelligently designed.
One of his points, or so it seems,
is that only MEN should be insulted by their magazines.
Women should work to be as thin and "hot" as they can
but for men it doesn't matter...so long as you're a REAL man!
Men shouldn't have to worry about weight and appearance attacks
just look at that movie that starred Gwyneth and Jack Black!
So the Grinch wrote a column full of logical holes
insisting that science supported our gender roles.
The point of his argument I STILL haven't seen
is how it hurts him when other men wear Maybelline.
If Wentz likes his make-up I guess I fail
to see how it makes the GRINCH less of a male?
Maybe he's jealous that other men can be
true to themselves, that they can be free!
While he sits in his corner and sadly cries
that his DNA won't let him be like those guys.
But I'm sorry Grinch, but I have to say it's true
I'd sooner do someone in guyliner than EVER fuck you.
So when we each wake up early on Christmas Day
you can hope for something manly...

...I still want Gerard Way.

So, you say you're tired of Rudolph and Frosty and all that.  I say you're dead inside.

But, I also say there are alternatives to those specials!  As animation has changed, especially in recent years, we've seen holiday themed episodes of shows that may not be as classic as the Heatmiser and Burgermeister Meisterburger, but still manage to put me in the X-mas spirit.

INVADER ZIM: The Most Horrible X-Mas Ever!

The last episode EVER of the amazingly underrated animated series created by Jhonen Vasquez (of Johnny: The Homicidal Maniac and Squee...he also directed the video for "Shut Me Up" by Mindless Self Indulgence) was a holiday themed episode.  The version that aired on television was edited, but a supposedly un-edited version was released as part of the Invader Zim DVD set.

The story is told by a Snowman...possibly a Slushman...in the future, who ruminates on the most horrible X-mas ever to a group of squeaky children.  This special has everything: Santa, Elves, Minimoose and Jolly Boots of Doom!

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

-John Lennon, Imagine

So in case you haven't heard, apparently there's a new album due out by this band called "Panic! at the Disco."  Supposedly it's much anticipated.  Or something like that.

I kid, I kid.  I'm well aware of Panic's sophomore effort releasing next year.  And I'm actually looking forward to it.  Especially since the band has openly said they are experimenting with their music.  But of course, as soon as the band announced that, their fans began to voice their own opinion.

Negative reaction to Panic announcing their major influences were The Kinks, the Beach Boys and the Beatles surprised me.  These are three extremely successful bands who made generally GOOD music.  Drawing inspiration for the Beatles especially is nothing new in music...and that brings up the question of WHAT ERA of the Beatles, since they themselves changed their sound again and again.  I wouldn't say Ryan Ross is John Lennon (And I will adamantly defend Keltie Colleen against anyone who might claim she's Yoko Ono), but I will say that there are worse places to draw musical influence from.

Along with that complain came the complains about the change in Panic's look.  Notably, mention that Ryan Ross has stopped straightening his hair and wearing make up and has turned into a skinny smiling hippie boy.


See, I've got no problem with this new incarnation of Ryan Rossy.  Yeah, he's not the baby scene boy anymore, but if he's outgrown that phase I'd hate to see him keep pretending for an audience.

But the insinuation that really REALLY bugs me involves Panic! lyrics.  The idea that because the lyrics are simple, they will no longer be deep.

This is a ridiculous assumption, especially considering that the boys are drawing from the Beatles.  Just because lyrics are simple DOES NOT mean they are not deep.  Look at Imagine, the song I quoted at the beginning of this blog.  Minus words you'll see on your SATs, but the message is one of peace and understanding...and of the things that separate us.  Also along those lines is Let It Be, a song Paul McCartney wrote about his mother's death.  But to read the lyrics, they're fairly simple and straight forward.  Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme as recorded by Simon and Garfunkle has simple lyrics, as does Bob Dylan's rendition of Blowin' in the Wind.  Janis Joplin's Mercedes Benz doesn't have long drawn out metaphors, but the song has a meaning.

Sometimes the simpler songs are the ones you have to think about MORE.  You might have to assign personal meaning to metaphor, rather than having the band tell you what it means.  You might have to think about the music not less, but a little harder.

So stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

Just like Ryro does these days.

Don't know how many of you recall, but back in November of 2005 there was a "girlcott" of Abercrombie and Fitch due to a number of extremely misogynist shirts they released.

"How mysoginist?" you ask?



...I rest my case.

At the same time, receiving less attention, were companies like Alloy, another company that markets to teenage girls, selling shirts that also re-enforced the "breasts over brains" idea:



While Abercrombie pulled the "Who needs brains..." shirt, never fear.  There is now a place you can go to make your own wonderfully degrading merchandise.

CustomizedGirl is a company pointed out to me by the awesome AbstractFuries (who probably knew I was going to go all feminist about this, and I'm sorry if I don't hit on all of the points she would have because of my feminist rage), and is apparently advertised via Myspace as well as a number of popular magazines.  The site is for everyday girls, like you or I, to make our own adorable customized clothing.

Looking through the Community Gallery I quickly discovered several things about most of the designs:

1) they were pretty demeaning to the women wearing them
2) they were HIDEOUS
3) their creators were terrified of having someone double check their spelling and grammar.

So each section deserves examples.

1) DEMEANING:

Some people decide to use their panty designing skills to be sure people are aware of who's property they are.  Because nothing screams true love like having yourself labeled as his possession.

But some people go above and beyond the call of duty.

But we're supposed to be talking about shirts here, aren't we?

Shirts like this...endorsed by celebrities!




And let's not forget: you've got to lure them in with advertising (all of these were featured in ads for the site)!

2) HIDEOUS

I'm not saying you have to be a graphic designer to make good shirts, but at the same time, sometimes all you need to recognize a bad design is a working pair of eyes.

I mean...really, folks.  Did you think this was a good idea at the time?

And in the spirit of that last one: this site loves Pete Wentz (bonus points for anyone who buys any of those shirts for Patrick Stump).

3) YOU NEEDS AN EDITOR STAT!

If you're going to spend that much money on a shirt, you should at least be sure you get everything on it right.

And if you're doing that on purpose, it worries me to no end.

THIS SHIRT IS SPEAKING IN TONGUES!!

...that's Florida.


Now, to be fair, there are some cute shirts that I might possibly be interested in, but they are overwhelmed by the number of scary-bad-craptastic designs featured on the site.

So here's my challenge, folks: prove to me that buzznet has people that can use that site's evil for the forces of good. Design me a shirt that in some way screams "independent, smart, and beautiful" all at the same time and link it in the comments.  If there's enough response, maybe I'll set up a contest of some sort.  I don't know what the winner will get other than my respect. 

And maybe a new car.

Dildo.

Say it with me.  Dildo.  Diiiiildo.  It's kinda funny looking, right?  I mean it's got d's in it.  and d's kinda look like a half cock and balls.  You put a d and a b together and you have a full set: db.  You replace both of the "d"s in the word with "b"s and you get Bilbo.  As in Baggins.  And the "one ring to rule them all?"  Totally a sex toy.  Tolkein was dirty.

Or maybe not.

Anyway, my point is, it's just a word.  Dildo.  It's not something to giggle over or be ashamed of.  It's a dildo, or as Coyote put it "a BIG RUBBER COCK."  It's a sex toy, a masturbation aid, much like a vibrator.  It's used for sex, and that doesn't make it dirty.

Except for the part where it apparently does.

You may or may not be aware of a poll I put up a few days ago asking "Would you buy a dildo if it were shaped like William Beckett's cock?"  It was accompanied by a quote from Beckett from an issue of Kerrang! magazine, which I assumed to be a joke.  I have to admit, my reason for putting up the poll wasn't because I really care if people would buy a dildo shaped like William Beckett's trouser snake, but because I wanted to see the general reaction.

If you notice, there was no answer in the poll that let anyone say they didn't masturbate.

I apologize but I was baiting people into saying something, exclaiming "EW!  GIRLS WHO USE DILDOS/VIBRATORS ARE GROSS!"  People talking about how disgusting the idea of getting off was.  And I was pleasantly surprised that it didn't really happen at first.

But slowly, reactions of "Ew.  He's gross for saying that!" are now showing up.  And apparently I'm not allowed to voice my opinion on that in my own poll...so I'm doing it in my blog.  Which you can choose to read or not...but be warned, if you post your opinion here you leave yourself open to response in an attempt to encourage debate.

It's not just that a lot of women are grossed out about the idea of toys, it's that they seem to be disgusted by the idea of masturbation...of the idea that a woman could enjoy sexual activity.  And let's face it, girls are BUILT to enjoy sex.  The clit is a small bundle of "OMG YES PLEASE" and while a guy will blow his load and be done, women can experience multiple orgasms.  Yes, there's a wet spot involved, but that's why Martha Stewart invented cheap towels.

Shut up.  She totally did.

So what is it?  Why are so many girls afraid of the idea of physical pleasure?  It's not dirty or naughty, it's nice.  It's tingly.  And getting off is one hell of a way to spend a snowy Friday night when you've got no other plans.

Granted, I'm not saying we should display our toys loud and proud for the world to see.  I sure as hell know I'm not going to leave my vibrator out on a shelf when my mom comes over to visit.

("Ashly?  What's that?"
"Oh, that's Esteban, mom."
"Esteban?"
"Yes.  Because 'I Constantly Thank God For Esteban.'")

So...why, girls?  Why do we shy away from it, from thinking it, from talking about it, from even typing the word "dildo?"  I mean...I know there's that whole "vagina dentata" thing (literally, "vagina with teeth") but that's not literal.  It doesn't bite.  Really.

What's the first thing you think when you see this picture?


A) Isn't that Jennifer Love Hewitt?
B) Hey!  Engagement ring!
C) Damn that's a fat ass.

Well, whatever you would have answered?  TMZ.com and many of it's readers went with option C.

What the ACTUAL fuck?

I think it's a testament to the cult of thin in our society that a woman who looks like THAT is considered to be "fat."  Not just that a gossip site posts such a ridiculous opinion, but that people actually AGREED with it.  If that's fat?  I'd KILL to be fat.

But it's not just that isolated incident.  People were going on and on about Britney Spears at the VMA's, criticizing not her half-hearted routine or her drugged and confused appearance, but instead attacking her weight and calling her fat.  While the outfit was not flattering, while she did not have her toned and flat abs, Britney was anything but fat.



What is the public's obsession with attacking women's weight?  And it's not even men doing it, it's other women!  Is it because we are so insecure in ourselves that we lash out, and that weight is a convenient target?

As much as we rant and rail against the "Hollywood Body" it's not just Hollywood telling us how to look.  It's girls on the street who glare at anyone over 100 pounds as if they can't figure out why they leave the house looking like that.  It's girls who comment on the internet about not being able to stand fat people and insisting that there's no excuse for it.  If you're unhappy, just lose weight.

If only it were that simple.

But at least Jennifer Love Hewitt didn't take the ridicule lightly.  Not only is she currently on the cover of People magazine but she responded directly to the commentary with a blog on her official website:

This is the last time I will address this subject.

I've sat by in silence for a long time now about the way women's bodies are constantly scrutinized. To set the record straight, I'm not upset for me, but for all of the girls out there that are struggling with their body image.

A size 2 is not fat! Nor will it ever be. And being a size 0 doesn't make you beautiful.

What I should be doing is celebrating some of the best days of my life and my engagement to the man of my dreams, instead of having to deal with photographers taking invasive pictures from bad angles. I know what I look like, and so do my friends and family. And like all women out there should, I love my body.

To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini -- put it on and stay strong.

Xoxo

JLH

Amen, sister.  Amen.

EDIT: Buzznet memeber ztnarfnc has started a group for all of us girls out there who disagree with this bullcrap!  

Never say Coyote and I never did anything for you.

It appears that, before the writer's strike began, the beginning of another episode of Heroes was being written.  Unfortunately, it ends only a fraction of the way into the script.  But since we figure something is better than nothing, our "contacts" at NBC have agreed to allow us to share with you what should have been the next episode of Heroes.

(EDIT: If you missed the season finale, or even if you didn't, check out Coyote's recap).

Without further ado, I present: "Heroes, Chapter 3, Episode 1: EPIC FAIL"




Mohinder: (voice over) In every generation there is a chosen one, she who...wait, no...in time, everything grows, and changes.  People become, transform, get shot multiple times with a cop standing right beside them.  This is mutation, evolution.
Unless you live in Kansas.  Or Texas.  Unless it's Odessa.  Shit.




(shot of Mohinder holding Molly close and looking at Maya)

Mohinder: So...a/s/l?  And do you know who Chris Hansen is?

Molly: Matt's not gonna be happy if he finds out you're hitting on other people.

Mohinder: Well, he was off having his exciting gay flying times with Nathan Petrelli.  I'm allowed to flirt a little.

Maya: *is basically useless*  I miss my bro-thar!

Mohinder: Let me guess, you've just figured out you went on an extended road trip with a psychopath who killed a member of your immediate family?  You have that look about you.

Maya:  Yes!  I feel so stoopeed!

Mohinder: don't worry.  I'm supposed to be smart and I didn't get it.

Maya: He killed my brother!

Mohinder: He killed my father!

Molly: He killed both of my parents and ATE THEIR GODDAMNED BRAINS!  Now who's the fucking pity queen, huh?




Mohinder: Language, Molly!  We talked about this.

Molly: I'm sorry your ex is a brain eating psychopath.

Maya:  He broke up with me?!

Molly: *gesturing at Mohinder* I meant him.




Mohinder: Molly, one more gay joke from you...

Maya: You're gaa-ay?

Mohinder: Well, let me put it this way, when a woman with the power of imperative command looks at you and says "You will never want another woman after me?"  She means it.




*cut to Matt and Nathan flying*

Nathan: Are you comfortable?

Matt: Actually, I think your belt is hooked into the button on the front of my pants.  If I can just shift my weight a little...

Nathan: ...oh...um...you might not want to do that too much.  It's distracting.

Matt: Please, Nathan.  Mohinder has been traveling on business.  I need this.

Nathan: Matt, you're a nice guy, but I just don't feel that way about you.  I mean, I like you a a friend, but I don't LIKE YOU like you.

Matt:  I'm a fucking teddy bear, Nathan.  Who doesn't LIKE ME like me?  Except my wife...    *Matt starts to cry*

Nathan: Matt, come on, please...look, I know how rough it is when you lose your wife and...*sigh* Just...just don't tell Peter, okay?

Matt:  What are you talking about?  It's not like you have a wife.  Or a kid on the way.

Nathan: No, but I think I used to have a wife and kids.  Or something. They weren't important to the plot, apparently.  Not like my brother...

Matt:  We're having a moment and you bring up your brother?  Ok, now it's awkward.

Nathan: We Petrelli's have a saying: if you can't keep it in your pants, at least keep it in the family.




Matt:  Suddenly this isn't fun any more.  How about we land.  No more uppies.

Nathan: Fine.  If you have an issue with incest it's no skin off my ass.

Hiro: FRYING MAN o/




Matt:  *pull his gun and starts zooming around, possibly singing the theme to Secret Agent Man* Ted?  Where?!

Hiro: HEY!  You bad future man. 

Nathan: Huh?

Hiro: You were dead at the time.

Matt:  Hey, where did your accent go just now?

Hiro: ME SO SOLLY!  NEKO-NEKO ANIME SAMURAI ETC.!

Matt:  Nathan, you have some strange friends.  And that's coming from a guy who was trapped in a box inside of his adopted daughter's head.

Nathan: Hey, don't blame me for this.  He's just a waffle loving time traveler who for some reason carries a samurai sword.

Matt:  Oh, ok.  I'm not going to question that at all.  Now that I'm done riding you like a carousel horse can we get on with the whole saving the world thing?  Again.

Nathan:  Yeah, sure, let's go.  My goal this time is to not get blown up.

Matt:  Then let's do this.  Wonder Twins activate!

*cut to inside of vault with Peter, Matt and Nathan*

Peter: *cupping his hands around the virus vial* And that's the end of that.

Matt:  The world is saved!  I can go back to be a house-husband!  Or a cop.  I keep forgetting.  When was the last time I showed up for work?

Nathan:  And there are no loose ends to tie up.

Matt, Nathan and Peter:  None at all.

Peter:  Wait, what about Caitlin?  I mean, if that future isn't real anymore then where and when is she?

Nathan: *slaps Peter across the face*  Don't talk back to your older brother.  NO LOOSE ENDS!  We're happy now.

Peter:  Oh, ok.

Nathan:  *sniffs the air*  Smell that?

Matt:  What?

Nathan:  That's the smell of good publicity.

*cut to Adam in a small box*

Adam:  Well, shit.
*thinks for a long time*
I suppose I could pull a large bone from my arm and use that to chisel and dig my way out.  Though it does sound painful.
*thinks for a long time*
Or I could just lay here.  Maybe I'll give the whole buried thing a couple of years and see how I feel about it then.
*thinks for a long time*
It's kind of nice down here.  Quiet.
*starts to whistle*
Though I could go for a little snack.  Oh god.  NOOOOOOO!!!!!

*cut to Angela Petrelli watching the news broadcast of her son being shot*
Angela: *on cell phone* Yes.  I saw.  No, it's been a season.  I have to try and kill one of them, right?  I don't know, after that beard I can't look at him the same way again.  Yes, I know, it was like a dead raccoon was stapled to his face!  What?  Of course I don't think these machinations will come back to bite me on the ass next season.  I couldn't possibly picture a situation in which my welfare depended on that of my children.  That's silly.  Besides, if this writer's strike continues, there is no next season.  And I will be triumphant!  MWA-HA-HA-HA!




*cut to junky Sylar in a back alley*
*zoom into his veins to show the tiny virus at work*

Virus: We R in ur veinz, taking your powerz!

Sylar: Do Not Want!
*Sylar stabs the blood sample into his arm*
Fresh blood.  Just like mama used to make.  Before I stabbed her with a pair of scissors.  Ah, good times.



END OF TRANSCRIPT

It's been suggested the writers, knowing they were going to strike, didn't put as much time and effort into this script as they could have.  I however choose to believe it all would have come together neatly in the end.

Jean vrs. Alice

This was the closest fight we've had yet.  So close that the vote was actually tied.  So, I was left to make the call.  My decision was influenced twofold: first by the fact that Jean could use her powers to make Alice relive her memories of being experimented on by Umbrella, rendering her as helpless as she was at the end of Resident Evil: Apocalypse...down to not being able to hold a pen correctly.  Secondly was the fact that the Jean voters were more vocal...THAT'LL TEACH YOU NOT TO COMMENT WHEN YOU VOTE, FUCKERS!  Jean Grey won not by technically KILLING Alice, but by effectively rendering her brain-dead.

Aeryn Sun Vs. Lara Croft

This actually wasn't too close a fight.  Aeryn kept her distance at first.  Lara assumed she was holding back but Aeryn just wanted to see how good her fighting skills were.  By comparison, they weren't that great.  They were good, but only for a human.  A Peacekeeper raised by the military obviously had better skills.  She ended up toying with Lara for about an hour and then grew bored.  At that point Lara was out of ammunition and Aeryn still had half a charge on her blaster.  A quick shot to Lara's leg and it was no trouble chasing her down and simply snapping her neck.

So, the chart at the end of Round One:



This means our Round Two match-ups have been decided:



We're kicking things off with:

So, in case you haven't heard, US Intelligence has reported that despite President Bush's warnings of a soon to come World War III, Iran does not have a nuclear program and in fact ceased their program in 2003.

But that hasn't stopped W.  Oh no!  Because, as he puts it, just because Iran isn't making nukes now that doesn't mean they can't start making them again.

And I remain flabbergasted. 

Let's apply President Bush's logic to other situations, shall we?

Just because the Catholic Church isn't torturing heretics and "sinners" now doesn't mean they won't do it again!

Of course, remember, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition!




Just because the U.S. doesn't have slavery anymore doesn't mean they won't do it again!

But I say we don't oppress people based on the color of their skin, this time around.  I say, we begin trading Canadians as slaves.




MMmmmmm...Manitoba-liscious!

And of course, just because Mariah Carey isn't making movies now doesn't mean she won't start again!



LIVE IN FEAR, PEOPLE OF AMERICA!  LIVE IN FEAR!

                 

Has a magical hat	Has an entire collection of magical hats
Corncob pipe	Doesn’t smoke, but has been known to perform drunken karaoke
Best friends with a little girl named Karen	Best friends with a little girl named Pete Wentz
Made of snow	Yes, he’s short, and very pale
Adorable belly	Adorable belly
Wishes people a “Happy Birthday” upon waking up	Not exactly a morning person…
Pursued by an evil magician	Pursued by frightening fangirls
Melts, but is magically resurrected by Santa	Melts the hearts of even non-fans with his voice
Waves goodbye, saying “Don’t you cry!  I’ll be back again some day!”	If he ever TRIED to pull a stunt like that, Pete would attach himself to Patrick’s ankles and hold on until he promised not to leave. I rest my case.

 

So you say you've got free time over the Holiday break and you don't know what to do with it?  Or else you're just looking for something new to read?  I've got a series of books that should keep you busy for awhile.  Unless, of course, you end up doing what I did and holing youself up in a room and reading at least one of the books in a single day.

The Song of Ice and Fire is a fantasy series written by George R.R. Martin.  While it was originally intended to be a trilogy, it has since been expanded into a seven or eight book cycle.  The books are epic, the first one checks in at around 835 page total.  The chapters are not numbered, rather they are proceeded by a name indicating who's point of view the chapter will be told from (told in thrid person limited), meaning that many times you get multiple views of the same event from different perspectives.




The brunt of the story takes place in a medieval England-like setting, the 7 Kingdoms of Westeros.  They are split into the North and the South for the most part.  The Northern Kingdom ends at The Wall, a great ice wall meant to keep out the Wildling tribes who live in the forests beyond it.  The Wall is manned by The Night's Watch, a group of mostly bastards and criminals who take vows to never drink, marry, or father a child.  There's also sections which take place across the sea, on another continent, involving the banished "rightful" king of Westeros and his sister. 

For those of you who think fantasy novels are all Sword and Sorcery, these are the books that prove you wrong.  While there are eventual fantasy elements (magic being the biggest one...also fantasy creatures) the books themselves are court intrigue, mostly involving the plots and machinations of the courtly people in Westeros.  And of course, the way Martin writes, NO ONE is what they seem.  While you may be presented with a handsome prince, a poor bastard-child, a damsal in distress princess or a scarred and evil knight, eventually you find out that Martin provides them all with layers...making them achingly real at times.

And yes, eventually there be dragons.

I just hit 1,000 buzz.

O_O


THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!!!!!  YOU LIKE ME!  YOU REALLY LIKE ME!