Why isn't 'Batgirl' a valid career choice?

Second star to the right and straight on 'til you see the "For Sale" sign.




That's right, Michael Jackson's famous "Neverland Ranch" is set to be auctioned off.  Jackson still owes $24 million on the property which it seems he has no intention of paying.

I really don't know that I'd want anything from Neverland Ranch.  The man was aquitted, but still.  I'm just SAYING.

But of course, the question becomes who SHOULD buy Neverland?

So we've all heard the hype over Miss Simpson's third studio album.  Originally rumored to be titled "Color Outside the Lines" the new title, "Bittersweet World," reportedly came from something her boyfriend Pete Wentz yelled during sex.  While the public has already heard a sampling of tracks ("Murder," the first single "Outta My Head (Ay ya ya)" and the next single "Little Miss Obsessive"), they have yet to experience the true power of this album.



Perhaps it's a bit weird for Miss Simpson to have partnered with so many different artists on BW, but they all lend themselves well.  Not only does "Murder" feature a rap by Gym Class Heroes frontman Travis McCoy and "Little Miss Obsessive" features vocals by Tom Higgenson of the Plain White Tees, but there is also a host of, dare I say it, Wentz-ian guest stars.  Between a guest vocal appearence by Panic at the Disco lead singer Brendon Urie on the track "Pass the Hash Pipe (Dinner with my Family)," and an alarming guitar solo on "How I Spent My Summer Vacation (Doing the Guy You Want)" provided by Ryland Blackinton of Cobra Starship, it seems that Wentz has managed to make a mark on his girlfriend's music career.  Production by the likes of Timbaland and Patrick "tiny little sex god" Stump make the album pop like a bottle of champagne.  Cheap champagne.  Okay, medicocre priced champagne that you get blitzed on at your older sister's college graduation, but hey, it's not like you ASKED to be there!  Even better is a moment in "Boys" where Ashlee participates in a freestyle rap off with Adam T. Siska (credited as "Sisky Biz") from The Academy Is...

Perhaps the biggest shock was Wentz's voice appearing on the album.  During a break in "Follow You Wherever you Go" Wentz's signature scream interjects, spewing apparently complimentary things about Simpson, such as "if there's flowers in your halo I want honey forever" and "sometimes I stare at the sun until the dots in my eyes remind me of you."  Though Pete Wentz had reportedly announced he was NOT appearing on Ashlee's new album, it appears the doucheking himself has misled his fans again.  Way to go, Pete.

Overall, I give this album four out of five stars because Papa Joe didn't bribe me enough to give it five.

EDITED: I thought it went without saying, but this review is TOTALLY FAKE.  The only true things on here are the tracks we actually know about.  As an apology, I can only offer this video and the suggestion that Cobra Starship cover that particular song at one of their shows.

HOWEVER, if Ashlee and/or her people would like me to give the cd a real review?  I'd be more than happy to!
Who links to me?

So by now, you've probably heard about the scandal involving Gerard Way, an independent comic publisher, and The Umbrella Academy.  This comes on the heels of Marylin Manson's accusations that MCR ripped off his trademark look and that Frank Iero is "short."




I gotta be honest, folks.  My faith was shaken.  And I decided to do my research.

For those of you not in the know, while I majored in English, I also did an intense amount of work in historic folklore and Medieval and Renaissance studies while at the University of Pittsburgh.  This means I know about a lot of old things that don't help me when I'm applying for a real job.  But luckily, they are quite helpful when someone accuses a rock band of being derivative.

Sorry, folks.  I have to shatter your dreams.  My Chem?  Has RIPPED OFF some of the greatest artists of the Renaissance.

At first it was hard to pin down.  I had to dig through some of my archives and put in a few calls to agents in the Vatican (okay, it's better for everyone if you just pretend you don't know about my agents in the Vatican).  They dug through the vaults and then made a few more calls...a few to some museums and some private parties who refuse to allow me to name them.  What arrived first, was a scan of a sketch on a canvas:



Look familiar?  IT SHOULD!!!!



After analyzing the sketch, do you know what my people found?  DO YOU?  That sketch, right there?  It was by LEONARDO DI VINCI!

(obviously, the existence of more modern items, such as the Patient's wheelchair, the modern instruments and the modern city background were the give aways.  After all, Di Vinci was always ahead of his time.)

So, as you can CLEARLY see, the Black Parade concept was taken from an unknow Di Vinci work.  Honestly, Gerard, you ought to be ASHAMED of yourself!

But more than that, oh yes!  There is more!  More than that, I decided to settle down with my specialty: Shakespearian Theatre.  Going through the ample sources I have, I managed to obtain a parchment with handwritten scrawls on it.  I cannot scan this parchment, unfortunately, because that would possibly put it at risk, but I can transcribe for you here what is written in, what I assure you, is The Bard's own handwriting:

Romeo, do give me all thy poison
And I, in return, shall give thee my pills
And my hopeless heart that doth make me ill.

...ah-ha!  The chorus of "Thank You for the Venom?"  Far from a "Gerard Way Original" if such a thing DOES exist!  Upon further research, the entirety of "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge" was taken, piece by piece, from unpublished Shakespearian writings!  Most of "You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us in Prison" is from an expunged scene from Hamlet!  And even more interesting is the manuscript for the unfinished play The Demolition Lovers, about a pair of bandits who are separated in death, and their attempts to reunite.

Gerard, really?  Ripping off SHAKESPEARE?

(Interestingly enough, though, I did discover there is a reference to Gerard and Lyn-Z's marriage in the writings of Nostradamus.  So, I guess you really can't say NOBODY saw that one coming, huh?)

I am angered to my very CORE, Buzznet!  The people we have trusted?  Scammers, rip off artists!  I hope they are proud of what they have wrought!

COMING NEXT TIME: An indepth analysis of the alchemical meanings of Frank Iero's tattoos (symbolism and placement!)

February 26, 2005 changed my life.

Events that day made me turn my life around.  Woke me up.  Made me realize I wasn't the person I wanted to be, I wasn't the woman who I needed to be to survive.  More than that, I realized I wanted to survive, I wanted to be strong.  I wanted to get over what was hurting me and making me run away from life rather than live it.

I wanted to be alive.

Three years later, I'm happier.  I'm on my own.  I'm dealing.  Most importantly, I'm here.  I'm ALIVE.  I've gone through hellish depression and anxiety, eating disorders, abuse from others and from myself...and I've survived.

I'm not alone.

I often have to be the one to explain to my mother that my brother being depressed isn't unique.  It might be bad, it might be dangerous...but he's not alone.  So many people out there, regardless of age, social status, gender, gender orientation, sexual orientation, or color of their eyeliner, are hurting.  Are struggling to make it one more minute, one more hour, one more day.  We all hurt.  And sometimes we get so wrapped up in our pain that we don't look at the little things.

And sometimes there are those people who will remind us of what we have to celebrate:

Words coming from a man who knows what depression and addiction can do.  Sincere words from a rock star.  From someone who, as I've said before, hasn't forgotten what it's like to be a lost kid in the world.  To feel alone and to feel like there's only one way to stop it all.

He survived.  So did I.  So did so many others.  We are all very much alive.

And that's worth celebrating if anything is.

I am declaring February 26th, 2008 the very first VERY MUCH ALIVE DAY.  I invite every one of you out there who has faced demons like this, even if you haven't defeated them yet, even if you're still struggling, to celebrate the fact that you are still here.  To pull a line from Buffy's season 5 Finale: The hardest thing to do in this world is to live in it.

You're all here.  You're all living.  Many of you do  more than that, attempting to raise social consciousness or help your friends through their hard times.  I've seen you in groups here on Buzznet.  You champion all kinds of causes, you give back.  You are all beautiful people and need to celebrate that you are a part of this world.  I don't know most of you, but I'm glad you're here.  Even the people I have argued with, traded harsh words with.  You're all amazing and I want you to realize that.

What I am asking you all to do, everyone who has fought against something like this or been affected by someone else's struggle (which by statistical reasoning, should be all of you), is to do the following:

Tomorrow, I'm asking you to write, somewhere on your body, in Sharpie or eyeliner or whatever, the words "VERY MUCH ALIVE."  It doesn't have to be visible, you can be the only person who knows it's there. 

Then, take a picture and upload it to buzznet.  Make sure you tag it with "very much alive."

Then, if you wish, join the Very Much Alive group and +Group your picture to it.  Maybe even where you can discuss what you went through.  We are all alive and none of us should have to feel alone.  We have a "global neighborhood" now.  It makes it easier to realize you are not the only one who has felt like an outcast, like a lost soul.  You are not the only one who's been weighed down on by darkness.  And you should celebrate the fact that you are strong enough to go on.

This is not just for My Chemical Romance fans.  You can hate the band and still participate.  While it is inspired and, I will admit, motivated in a way by Gerard, it's not about their music.  It's about us.  All of us.  Being alive...being caring human beings.  Despite it all.

There is no glory in this other than the glory of knowing you can still look in the mirror, smile, and know that inside you are amazing.  And that's no small glory.

I don't travel much.  At least, not as much as I'd like to.  I never even got to travel over Spring Break in college, which sucked majorly.

So I'm the sort of lame person who goes to websites of hotels I could never stay in and paws at the screen, wishing I was rich.

The most recent hotel?  The Tokyo Park Hyatt.  In...um...Tokyo.  Japan.

I found out about this hotel in an issue of In Style magazine where Sarah Michelle Gellar mentioned it.  She was talking about the bathrooms having a very Blade Runner feel because the bathtub is right beside the window and you can look down on the lights of Tokyo since all guest rooms are above the 41st floor of the hotel.

I dug up the website, figuring this was something I had to see.  Cyberpunk style hotel?  In TOKYO?  How could I resist?



Yeah.  That's the whirlpool in the spa and fitness center.

Anyway, go here and take the virtual tour of the Park View rooms and Presidential Suite, at least, to see what else is there.  I mean, other than the massive list of amenities:

• 24-hour room service
• Cable/satellite TV channels
• Coffee maker
• Crib upon request
• Dual line phones
• Hairdryer
• Individual heat control
• Maximum guests per room: 2 adults/1 child
• Minibar
• Robes
• Shoeshine service
• Stereo system
• Welcome amenity
• Complimentary mobile phone service

And all of this can be yours for only 78700.00 yen per night.  Which is $736.394 US, 374.316 British pounds, 800.886 Australian Dollars, or 497.187 Euros.  Oh, that's just for the King Park View Room.  The website did not even  mention the price of the Presidential Suite...which offers these amenities:

• 24-hour room service
• Additional window in bathroom
• Cable/satellite TV channels
• Complimentary high-speed wireless Internet access
• Dataport
• DVD player
• Hairdryer
• Individual heat control
• In-room safe
• Iron/Ironing board, VCR upon request
• Marble bath
• Mineral water upon request
• Minibar with an extensive selection of beverages and light snacks.
• Oversized work desk
• Robes
• Separate work area
• Spa tub
• Stereo system
• Voicemail
• Wet bar
• Private library

Anyone else wanna get rich and go to Tokyo?

So, there's been a lot of talk from a portion of the Buzznet community about the ads on the site promoting the Scene Queens.  And I figured it's about time for me to add my two cents in.  Though it may end up being a little more like $20, since I talk too much.  But think of it this way, you can use that $20 to buy a small coffee at Starbucks.

Or a Green Tea Frappuchino.  Those things are ORGASMIC.

Anyway, I wasn't even aware of the ads, to tell the truth.  I use ad block plus on Firefox all the time, so I didn't know that these things were showing up.  And when people first said "There's ads" I didn't think it was a huge deal.  After all, before I'd adblocked there'd been stuff for Jeffree all the time.

But apparently, this is more aggressive advertising.

And I thought about it.  And I'm actually a little upset.

I don't like to break out the pink star status seriously.  Really, I DON'T.  Like, I joke about it (but I'm never joking when I talk about my official Buzzmaker Unicorn...they really don't replace it if you decided to kill and eat yours), but I don't go HEY!  I'M A BUZZMAKER!  PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

Or at least I try not to.

But I have a little pink star.  According to Buzznet, this means, and I quote:


I have the same status in this case as Hanna Beth and Audrey and Jeffree.  I'm no better or worse than them.  We are all regarded as people who help the site grow and are active contributers.

So where's my ad on the site?

Hell, where are ads for all the of the movie updates that Mark does?  Bree's gossip and rumors?  Unsceneunheard's fantastic show photography?  Trish Viscious' metal coverage?  Hulda's awesome groups and interesting photography experiments?    Miseryxchord's...just MISERYXCHORD, dammit!  I'm looking over the list of buzzmakers and seeing people who put up fantastic content that could draw people to the site just as much as the SQ's stuff does...if it were advertised correctly.  Being featured on the main page is one thing, but that's something the SQ's are given as well.  I guess I don't totally understand why they are granted a level of promotion that the rest of us are not.

The SQ's are people who have gotten where they are via self-promotion.  And now buzznet is helping them out.  What about those of us who maybe don't promote ourselves as much, but do create content the site has recognized as being an important part of Buzznet.  We're the "top tier," they're words, not mine.  So, am I to believe there are two top tiers?  Those of us who are generally normal people who have hobbies that we share with the buzzworld at large and those who are famous for...um...well, they're famous, dammit!

Maybe I'm just being whiny and really, it's not a terribly huge deal.  I believe I'm a strong enough writer that my work will get noticed no matter what...and a lot of other people have been really great about promoting me (much love to the Bree :D).  But I kind of feel like maybe I'm getting cheated a little. 

It's not something I'm going to leave Buzznet over.  It's not even something that will interfere with how I do what I do.  But it's still something that I need to get off my chest.

Now, we must all fear evil men. But there is another kind of evil which we must fear most, and that is the indifference of good men.
-"Boondock Saints"


My father and my grandfather were cops.

That's as easy as it gets.  My father no longer works in law enforcement, my grandfather passed away from cancer.  But, for a living, they were cops.

And I find it terrible I have to qualify this with "they were GOOD cops."

That doesn't necessarily mean they did their job well.  They did, but that's not what it means.  It means they were the sort of police officers who understood their job was to SERVE AND PROTECT.  Not to abuse the power they'd been given (my grandfather was chief of police, so there was a decent amount of power to abuse).  But to help and protect people when they couldn't do so themselves.  I grew up being taught to respect the law, but also and possibly more importantly, that the police were not there to scare me into being good, they were there to stop bad people from trying to hurt me.

And yet there are people who would destroy everything they tried to do.

My friend Random posted this blog that I'm sharing with you.  Read her summary.  Watch the videos if you can.  And see what some people consider to be an appropriate use of police power.

It's an overwhelming situation.  On all levels we are being taught that might makes right and that mistreating people who have done something wrong is correct.  Currently, the American government is defending their use of waterboarding against alleged terrorists...when we have condemned other nations for using forms of torture like this.  Our excuse is that we are trying to protect our people...but yet other leaders who have done so and cited the same reasons have been condemned as sadistic monsters. 

It trickles down.  The government condones this sort of thing because it was what they HAVE to do.  It makes them look bad.  A few members of the military act irresponsibly and suddenly the general view of the US military are seen as foreign invaders just looking to hurt people.  And now police are acting in disgusting, power hungry ways, and how long until all people, even those of us who were raised to trust the police, can't do so anymore?

Sexy.

It's this one little word that is really, really hard to define.  I mean, obviously there's a definition:

Adj.

1.

sexy - marked by or tending to arouse sexual desire or interest; "feeling sexy"; "sexy clothes"; "sexy poses"; "a sexy book"; "sexy jokes" exciting - creating or arousing excitement; "an exciting account of her trip" seductive - tending to entice into a desired action or state

But what is sexy?  What did Mr. Timberlake and his friend Timbaland actually bring back? 

You can google it.  And you'll get a few answers.  Some good, some maybe not so good.

But what is sexy?  Why isn't there a universal answer?  Does being sexy imply you're having sex?  Or are sexually active and sexy separate entities?  When is it okay for a person, especially a woman, to be sexy? 

See, I've been doing a lot of research on pin-up models recently.  It's part of my recent introduction to the Rockabilly and Psychobilly scene.  Not so much the music but the attire and the attitude.  Apparently it involves tikis.  A lot of tikis.

But it also involves pin-up girls.  And as I've been looking at modern pin-up pictures, I've discovered something about what I find sexy.

See, complete nudity?  Does nothing for me.  It's like, great, I can see your cootch.  I see mine all the time.  It's the same feeling I have when looking at other nudes.  To me, skin isn't necessarily sexy.

But cover it up and hint that I might or might not get to see it?  HELLO!




I like the teasing.  The "almost but not quite" feeling when I'm looking at a picture.  It's a reason I'm drawn to bellydancing as well, because it's suggestive.  There's tons of implication, but nothing shoved in your face.  I actually asked a friend why people would bother with strippers or topless dancers when there's stuff like that.

And she said "because a lot of people lack imagination."

So I like being teased, the suggestive stuff in life. 

What do YOU find sexy in other people?  What makes you go "Hey, wait, hi!"? 

From Wendy's post.

I'm breaking the rules and not tagging.  If you weren't tagged and want to do this, consider yourself tagged by the will of The Cobra.

Hissssssss...

1) Guilty Pleasure by Cobra Starship -
you're never gonna win em all
so fuck em if they can't take a joke
I'm just playing

2) Nine in the Afternoon by Panic at the Disco - I swear I cannot be upset or pissed off while listening to this song.  My personal theory is that Panic set out to make the music equivalent of weed...and succeeded.

3) Bang the Doldrums by Fall Out Boy - Any song that makes me think of pirates and Pete Wentz or Patrick Stump "swabbing me decks" is a good thing.

4) This Girl Is Taking Bets by Thea Gilmore - reminds me it's okay to be obtuse, confusing and awesome

5) Goodnight Moon by Shivaree - Sexy and I always imagine it being a little sarcastic.  Like, she's singing about how scared she is, but the second somebody walked through the door she'd blow their head off with a shotgun.

6) Hawaiian Roller Coaster Ride from Lilo and Stitch - I swear I will eventually be able to sing the lines in Hawaiian without stumbling over them helplessly.

7) Through the Fire and the Flames by Dragonforce - This band is absolutely ridiculous and I love them for it.  Serious guitar skills mixed with songs about fighting dragons and other fantasy tropes.  And it's crazy to try to play it on Guitar Hero.

8) Hang 'Em High by My Chemical Romance - Gerard Way's sheer ridiculous ANGRY in this song always makes me feel good for some reason.

9) Malice in Wonderland by The Noisettes - Sent to me by the wonderful abstractfuries.  That's about all you need to know :)

10) You Give Love a Bad Name by Blake Lewis (covering Bon Jovi) - Dude, he remixed the Bon Jovi song to allow his beatboxing skills to shine through...and did it WELL. 

To get pissed off.  I know this.  If you read my blog and don't know this, well...you're obviously new.  Or you think I coded buzznet entirely by hand to hate on the "Twilight" series, which is really an insult to the people who did code the site.  Honestly, given my html skills I can pretty much code a crappy angelfire page with too many glittery things on it and that's the extent of it.

But anyway, I know how easy it is to get pissed off and lash out.  Especially at a recent post that I will not link to and will not give you the username of the person who wrote it.  Because that would be spreading anger.  Anger leads to hatred.  Hatred leads to beer.  Beer leads to hangover.  Hangover leads to suffering.

It would be easy for me, following these events and following my own situation with a jackass boyfriend, to bash all men and swear off boys forever.  Or at least to assume they're all assholes. But I can't do that.  Because I know there's a lot of guys out there who AREN'T.  So instead, I'm going to talk about them.  Guys who wear shirts like this:


That's Seth Green, btw.  For several seasons he worked on a little show called Buffy: The Vampire Slayer.  You might have heard me talk about it before, might have watched it yourself, actually.  Buffy was about taking the stereotype of the little blonde girl in the horror movie and making her fight back against the monsters.  The show was created by this guy:


Joss Whedon.  You can find more about him at Whedonesque.com.  Joss has a talent for creating strong female characters in his work.  He's actually a huge fanboy of Kitty Pryde/Shadowcat/Ariel of the X-Men, and has gotten to write her character during his run on Astonish X-Men.  It's kind of amazing to fangirl him as I watch him fanboy Kitty Pryde as hard as he does.

SPEAKING of fanboys...how about one I know in real life?

Yes, folks, that is the one, the only bulletproofheeb.  A good friend from college made better friend by life.  Or something.  Anyway, he's proof that good guys don't only exist in Hollywood.  Or Hollywood-like areas.

So folks, share with me.  There's a lot of good guys out there.  Let's talk about them and how good they are instead of the assholes.  After all, the good guys deserve the press a hell of a lot more.

So, this is one of those posts where you find out how lame I am.  Because I'm going to talk about:

a) stupid things from my past
b) my unironic love for brainrotting television
c) pro-wrestling

Yes, that's right ladies and gentlmen.  Last night I watched the season finale of the new American Gladiators series.




Now, let's get that a) up there out of the way fast.  See, back in my youth in the fantastic 1990's, my father, brother and I watched American Gladiators just about every weekday during the summer.  This in and of itself is nothing strange, I suppose.  I mean, we lived in a mobile home at that point (any "white trash" comments will be met with a kick to the groin), had really nowhere to go/nothing to do at that point, and really it was better than any of us getting addicted to soaps in my opinion.

So, watching Gladiators wasn't weird. 

My father then having my brother and I compete against each other gladiator style?  Possibly a bit strange.

No, seriously.  We owned pugel sticks.  And while chatting with my brother on AIM last night, I was reminded that we used to set up an Assault course in our living room and shoot things at each other. Under our father's supervision/instruction.  And I reminded him that we used to participate in "breakthrough and conquer."  Upon reflection, we also did the power ball thing, where you ran around sticking balls into targets and gaining points.

My childhood = not your childhood.  I hope.

Aaaaaanyway, back to the real Gladiators.  I remembered from back in the day they had names like Nitro and Gemini and Ice and Storm, so they were like the X-Men but without powers and possibly on steroids.  So, of course, the new Gladiators had to have cool names.  And yeah, there's Crush and Wolf and Justice (which is actually the guy's real name) and Venom.

Actually, Wolf even kinda looks like Sabertooth as someone pointed out to me last night:





And then there's Hellga.

"Hell"ga.

HELLGA?  REALLY?



I should add that last night she had her hair in braid pigtails so she really looked like the love child of Heidi and Nicole Bass.

Okay, so Hellga scares me. 

So does Mayhem.



To be honest, at first I thought they were being ground-breaking and having a cross-dressing Gladiator.  Then I realized, no, that's not what they were going for.

However, because I am a shallow little minx who constantly thinks about sex, I had to decide which Gladiators I felt were the most doable.  And I did:


Crush.  Yeah, I'd hit that.  Without hesitation.

(EDIT: My friend Zen pointed out that she might have a different definition of the word "hit" than I do.)


Toa.  What?  I like the tats. :(

And of course, I have to mention Justice.  You see, I thought I recognized him.  Turns out, he was a contestant on the last season of MTV's reality show Tough Enough.  He was actually the runner up against Daniel Puder who never actually wrestled a WWE match in his career as far as I remember.  I think he got shipped to OVW and was never heard from again because, well, nobody could stand the little asshole.

But Justice has put on a little muscle since then.




Speaking of wrestling, we might as well finally get to it:  Hulk Hogan is a host.

Yeah.  Hulk Hogan. 

Sorry, I know most people see him and think about Hulkamania, or the N.W.O., or Thunderlips, or Hulk Hogan's Rock and Wrestle but to me, he will always be this man.

Hey, still less bothersome to your psyche than the Ultimate Warrior or Kevin Nash comic books, thank you very much.

So yeah, Hulk Hogan is a host.  This doesn't surprise me or really shock me at all.

But Laila Ali?  What.  The.  Hell?

Did you used to have a boxing career?  A legitimate one?  I mean, other than the fact that you don't block your face (which really doesn't matter because apparently you hit like a mac truck).  But hosting American Gladiators?  Does this mean women's boxing is over and we can all go home now?  Charlton Heston cries in a movie and it brings down an entire women's sport?

(EDIT: My friend Zen pointed out to me that, in fact, it was Clint Eastwood.  Not Charlton Heston...or CHESTON if you're feeling saucy!)

Anyway, the show itself wasn't that important.  I mean, yeah, people competed and won and now they get to be Gladiators.  But what surprised me is that the winners are very small.  Especially the men's winner.  I wonder if they'll call him Speedy or Zippy or something like that.  Because really, compared to the other guys?  Small but fast as hell.

In closing: I'd want my Gladiator name to be Amazon.  Just for the sheer irony of a 5' 5" girl calling herself that.

I'd also like to hit people with Q-Tips for a living!

UPDATE: Ikkyg is awesome.

Helen wrote an awesome survey.

And now, I complete it for your pleasure!

1.  Q: Who’s scarier: a) Ronald McDonald  b)Burger King King  c)other mascot (name)
     A:  The Burger King.  It HAS NO SOUL.

2.  Q: What is the most embarrassing thing you have ever done or that has happened to you?
     A:  I embarrass myself on a near daily basis.  So this is an impossible question.

3.  Q: Have you ever intentionally stolen anything bigger than a pack of gum? If so, what?
     A:  Not from a store, but I have a decent collection of accidentally stolen CD's and books from ex-housemates.

4.  Q: Describe an unusual family tradition you had when you were a kid or one you have now.
     A:  Traditional holiday meals with my father's side of the family.  Christmas and Easter are always traditional Slovakian means, Halupki, cold ham, pickles, potato salad, etc.

5.  Q: What happens to us after we die?
     A: Necrophilia :(

6.  Q: Did you ever have a crush on any of your teachers? Describe.
     A:  No!  But I had a friend who did!  We called him from a slumber party and talked to him.  While he was drunk.  ...I think he hit on me.

7.  Q: Define “osculate.”
     A: Define "your mom!"

8.  Q: If you were eating your last Godiva truffle and dropped it on a New York City street, would you pick it up, wipe it off  and eat it?
     A: I would scream in anguish.  And buy more truffles.

9.  Q: Which American president would you like or have liked to have an affair with?
     A: Washington.  He ate opponent's brains and invented cocaine.

10.  Q: What is the soul?
     A: Nougat and Caramel.

Please note, this is the process I used and as you all know I am now an internet celebrity with a huge fan following and an entourage.

Applications for more entourage members will be available next week.

On the night of a waning moon, collect:

 two candles made from the fat of unbaptized babies



a knife forged in blue flames



 a black goat (a few white spots are permissible, I suppose)



and the menstrual blood of a virgin in a silver vial. Go to a place where you can clearly see the horizon, point your altar to the south and then use the blood in the vial to paint a satanic symbol on the goat's head...or just write Mariah Carey's name. That's actually more powerful.

Slaughter the goat with the ritual blade and wash your hands in it's blood then anoint the candles. Light them and perform the following incantation:

"We're going down, down in a looleelooraugh
and sugar we're going down swinging!"

Your hits to your page should increase within a month. Or your hands will fall off. Either way, your life has just gotten more interesting.

So, how many of you remember this poll I posted last summer during Comic-Con?

Well, 46% of Buzznet users said My Chemical Romance was next.

They were wrong.

However, the 22% that voted for Fall Out Boy?

Congrats.  You're psychic or something.

I demand the following:

-Joe's Fro having superpowers
-Andy being a vegan ninja...wait, that's real life, nevermind
-Pete yelling "WENTZ SMASH!"
-Gratuitous amounts of Patrick Stump

I wrote one for Bree, but since I love you all I figured I'd write another one!

You are where I spend my waking hours,
oh joyous distraction from my day job!
That the presence of fools rarely sours;
makes me smile when I would like to sob.
A place where I can view lovely pictures
or find a good place for others to talk.
Fuss over the meaning of Scriptures
or friend a cute monkey made from a sock!
Buzznet, it is you that I adore
every aspect of thee will I embrace!
Except for you who would call me a whore,
which, in truth, has rarely been the case.
Still, as for this poet, see how she grieves;
the snow is too thick for her to rake leaves.

From MTV.com:



You can find the rest of the songs here.

So...what's your favorite song to fall in love to?  Better yet, gimme your Top Three!  I wanna know!  Help me feel less jaded, dammit!

My Three:

1) Wonderwall by Oasis
2) Let's Do It by Joan Jett ft. Paul Westerberg
3) Demolition Lovers by My Chemical Romance

If you hadn't noticed, I'm minus a Valentine this year.  Well, short of all my lovely friends on Buzznet, and trust me you count in my book.  But not in my little pink book.  Sorry.

I'm not really desperate for love at this point.  Like, I've come to the conclusion that I don't want a long term committed relationship, I just want to hang out with someone and maybe knock boots with them now and again.

I, however, am not like most people.  Or many people.  I may even be a bit strange.  It's been suggested, believe it or not.  But I digress.  I'm good at that.  My point is, there are some people who, at this time of year, will look to many places for someone to spend February 14th with.

And I figured I'd see what they were up to. 

That's right.  I'm braving the personals section of my local Craig's List.

My rules: Look through the personals on Craig's List.
Repost the best here.
No links, no photographs.

If anyone sees their ad here, listen, you posted it.  I have the right to mock you should I feel the need.

To start off, let me give you a bit about me:

25 year old female, currently single, not looking for anything long term.  Turn offs include ignorance, misogyny, disregard for the SHIFT key, general stupidity.  Turn ons...aren't really relevant here.

That will hopefully explain what I'm looking for in a personal ad, if it is a bit lacking in what I'm looking for in a partner.

i'll be your baby valentine night - 31

i have nothing better to do. i'm a handsome available man, can turn on a woman in no time.
i only ask that you be thin. you don't have to have a pretty face. your body comes before your face in my book.
i'd also like it if you paid for your half of dinner and the movie.
let me know if you're interested in having a romantic valentine's day.

Now THERE'S the way to my heart.  "i have nothing better to do?"  Okay, at least he's honest about wanting to go dutch, I've got no issue with a guy being honest with a woman about that.  But maybe you shouldn't have to pay for dinner, since he's only looking for thin girls.  And I kinda love how there's no qualification of what "thin" is.  But I digress.

Hello Ladies - 42

Hi Im 42 and new in town, Im the perfect latin lover, if you need the most erotic massage of your life...well I can help...this is not a sex ad...service is my pleasure...I can guide u through the difficult times and enjoy your self a lot more...so if u need someone to make u feel like a lady drop me a line.

...I can't decide if you're Val Venis or Chavo Guerrero.  And that's NOT A GOOD THING.

VALENTINES DAY * * * * * * - 28

Attractive, white, male seeking fun dinner date for
Valentines day! Send a picture to be considered!

So...all you say is you're attractive and white...but I have to send you a picture to be "considered?"  What the hell, is this a job interview?  Modeling gig? 

submission as an art form

Single, successful professional white male, handsome witty, smart, well traveled, who likes art, theater and finer things in life, don't see distance as a barrier looking for attractive, confident, submissive, playful, imaginative woman who is ready to discover true meaning of submission and domination.
Don’t be afraid to look inside your soul and answer long awaited questions.
Is this is something that you’ve always wanted, but were afraid of? Something build on trust and understanding . You will feel safe, secure and understood in the long term relationship with me......
I would love to hear from you..... email me, include your picture, this may be a new beginning we both been looking for..

My biggest issues with this:
-no age included.  For all we know this man is in his mid-50's.
-promising I'll feel "safe, secure and understood" with you.  Dude, you're posting a personal on the internet.  WITHOUT YOUR AGE OR A PICTURE INCLUDED.  That SCREAMS "sketchy motherfucker!"
-"Don't be afraid to look inside your soul and answer long awaited questions."  Who is this guy?
Oh, wait, I'm breaking my no picture rule.  I think I have an idea:


Well, I know who I'M spending Valentine's Day with!  May the Force be in me!

Sonnet #18

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
   Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
   And summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
   And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
   By chance, or nature's changing course, untrimm'd;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
   Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
   When in eternal lines to time thou growest;
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
   So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

-William Shakespeare

Silentium Amoris (The Silence of Love)

As oftentimes the too resplendent sun
   Hurries the pallid and reluctant moon
Back to her sombre cave, ere she hath won
   A single ballad from the nightingale,
So doth thy Beauty make my lips to fail,
   And all my sweetest singing out of tune.

And as at dawn across the level mead
   On wings impetuous some wind will come,
And with its too harsh kisses break the reed
   Which was its only instrument of song,
So my too stormy passions work me wrong,
   And for excess of Love my Love is dumb.

But surely unto Thee mine eyes did show
   Why I am silent, and my lute unstrung;
Else it were better we should part, and go,
   Thou to some lips of sweeter melody,
And I to nurse the barren memory
   Of unkissed kisses, and songs never sung.

-Oscar Wilde

You're falling in love with Patrick Stump, Fall Out Boy's super-cute lead singer. Off stage, he doesn't talk much, but when he's performing, this guy is full of energy. Patrick's friendly, enthusiastic, and he has an amazing smile. He prefers to stay out of the spotlight, which means he'll always have time for you.

EAT IT, BUZZNET!  PATRICK'S MINE*!!!!

Find your "Fall Out Boyfriend" here.  Come on, it's all in good fun!

*Yes, I'm aware of the clause that says I will always have to share him with Pete.  I can deal with partial custody, okay?

Because abstractfuries requested her yesterday.

Theory

Into love and out again,
        Thus I went and thus I go.
Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
        Well and bitterly I know
All the songs were ever sung,
        All the words were ever said;
Could it be, when I was young,
        Someone dropped me on my head?

-Dorothy Parker

Please note the use of parenthesis today.  They're important.

To the Snake

Green Snake, when I hung you round my neck
and stroked your cold, pulsing throat
as you hissed to me, glinting
arrowy gold scales, and I felt
the weight of you on my shoulders,
and the whispering silver of your dryness
sounded close at my ears --


Green Snake--I swore to my companions that certainly
you were harmless! But truly
I had no certainty, and no hope, only desiring
to hold you, for that joy,
which left
a long wake of pleasure, as the leaves moved
and you faded into the pattern
of grass and shadows, and I returned
smiling and haunted, to a dark morning.

-Denise Levertove
 

Mi amor descubre objetos

mi amor descubre objetos
sedosas mariposas
se ocultan en sus dedos

sus palabras
me salpican de estrellas

bajo los dedos de mi amor la noche
brilla como relámpago

mi amor inventa mundos en que habitan
serpientes cuajadas de brillantes

mundos en que la música es el mundo
mundos en que las casas con los ojos abiertos
contemplan el amanecer

mi amor es un loco girasol que olvida
pedazos de sol en el silencio

Isabel Fraire

TRANSLATION:

My love reveals objects

my love reveals objects
silken butterflies
concealed in his fingers

his words
splash me with stars

night shines like lightning
under the fingers of my love

my love invents worlds where
jeweled glittering serpents live

worlds where music is the world

worlds where houses with open eyes
contemplate the dawn

my love is a mad sunflower that forgets
fragments of sun in the silence

Isabel Fraire

Pink Kryptonite.



Causes Kryptonians, such as Superman, to feel unloved and require the validation of random people on the internet.  They will express this by camwhoring with cupcakes and stuffed animals, normally while making the same facial expression in every picture.  This form of kryptonite also affects their cognitive functions, causing their spelling and grammar skills to become virtually non-existent.  Finally, it diminishes a Kryptonian's judgment in social situations, meaning they can no longer distinguish between what is appropriate or inappropriate.

Lex Luthor has never used this type of kryptonite on Superman.  Because even he realized how lame it would end up being.

Hey!  The auction I blogged about here is live! 

Reserve is $50 AU...which figures out to about $45 US.  If you're bidding from a country other than Australia and need a currency converter, you're lucky.  I've got one for you right here!

GO BID! 

We're a week away from Valentine's Day.  And I know some of you are going to be out romancing and falling in like/lust/love.  But you know, just because you're not currently with someone doesn't mean you don't still want sweet nothings or expressions of like/lust/love.

So, for the next week, I'm going to be providing you with a love poem every day.  So all of you remember that even if you don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend, you're still loved in some way. ♥ ♥ ♥

i carry your heart

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


e e cummings 

To my electronic sweetling, fair Bree
who guards the Buzznet with such care and pride.
Dare I speak of all that thou means to me?
Or must I still hold it secret inside?
With your multicolored hair of pure silk
and reddest lips curved like Cupid's bow
drawing compliments from the Simpson ilk
and thine own hero, fairest Diablo.
Your sense of fashion never seems to fail
you deal with your nay sayers with such grace.
As for those who cause you to cry and wail
would that I could punch them all in the face.
Dearest Bree, could we get coffee someday,
when Buzznet gives me a job in LA?

*Shakespeare, not Beckett.  Written in a crude imitation of iambic pentameter.  Finally, my college education is paying off.

This ties in with my current poll, which you should go vote in.

I knew when I put that poll up on buzznet that I would have to explain myself for not including The Umbrella Academy as one of the choices.

Look, first of all, that would make the poll totally unfair.  Because there are enough My Chem fans out there that would vote for the comic book, sheerly because of Gerard (not to say it's NOT a good series, more on that further down).  I didn't want to post a poll where I knew before hand what the answer would be.  It would be pretty much 80% Umbrella Academy and 20% other.

And really?  I don't think an Umbrella Academy movie should be made.  Yet.

Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE the series.  While I can't say that I would have picked it up had it not been for Gerard's involvement on the project, I can say I would have put it down if I wasn't entertained (see also: Jeff Hardy's band Peroxwhygen.  Jeff, you're pretty and jump off of things, but your music, really, just...WHAT THE FUCK?).  But so far I've liked pretty much everything...except some of the pacing, but I'm giving it a lot of leeway on that due to the style the story is being told in.  It's like a Tarantino movie in that way for me.

I like Gerard's wit and his characterizations for the most part.  Gabriel Ba's artwork, while not entirely my cup of tea, works well for me within the context of the story.  Over all, I like it.

But really?  We've seen what, 5 issues (the 6th is out on February 20th), plus a few special shorts here and there.  That's not enough mythology for an entire movie when there are series with a TON of mythos behind them waiting in line for a film.  Umbrella Academy hasn't EARNED a movie yet.  It's working on it, and I think Gerard's got a lot of interesting places he can take it...but it's not ready for the big screen.  Ask me in a few years and I'll see if I feel the same way.

Right now, I think a TUA movie would totally just be cashing in on Gerard's band still being big, not on the strength of the comic.  And I don't like stuff like that, it doesn't give the material a chance to stand on it's own.  There's a lot of argument that TUA wouldn't be selling so well if it weren't for the MCR fans (though, I'm willing to bet there were also a lot of smug completionist comic fans who picked up issue one just to go "LOL, GUY IN AN EMO BAND'S COMIC SUCKS!" and now have to buy the entire series whether they like it or not...BECAUSE THEY'RE COMPLETIONIST COMIC BOOK FANS :P ), and I won't entirely disagree.  The question is, can it still pull people in later on...especially after the band has taken their last bow?

Gerard mentioned in an interview he's got somewhere around 7 or 8 Umbrella Academy storylines planned.  And I look forward to them.  In COMIC form.

Strangely enough, I was listening to "Outta My Head" by Ashlee Simpson right before being directed to this link.  And strangely, it fit perfectly.

The difference between the two is that female brains are programmed for empathy while male brains are governed by a need to understand and build systems.

Experts believe the type of brain affects the way people socialise, the type of job they opt for or how successful they are in relationships.

So...because I display empathy I shouldn't be interested in taking things apart to figure out how they work?  Gee, golly, gosh mister man, maybe THAT'S why I had such a hard time hooking up my sound system.  And here I thought it was because I was missing cables and had to fake it with left over parts I found during my move.  Man, my crazy ass feminine brain sure does fail.

I would like to know if these scientists have ever heard guys gossip.  Because from what I have seen?  Straight white males are the nastiest gossips in the world.  And I have known more than my fair share of overy passive-aggressive guys.

So what does this teach us?  Many things in the human brain are still a mystery.  Like what part of it they were using when they came up with these results.  Also it makes me wonder if those brains taste different.  Of course, you know who you can ask about that, right?




Also?  This article needed more pictures of David Beckham's "keen fashion sense."



OM NOM NOM NOM SOCCER PLAYER!

So, my favorite sushi place in Pittsburgh has a mailing list...because just about everyone and everything has a mailing list these days.  They send me information about special deals and events and parties they're throwing in the sushi bar.

Well, with Valentine's Day coming up, you know the entire world has turned it's attention to that most pressing issue facing us all today: meeting somebody to fuck up the rest of your life with.

I kid, I kid.  Romance is a beautiful thing and I'm sure other people find it quite reassuring.  Me?  I've pretty much lost faith in it, but hey, I'm angry and jaded.  What can you do?

So, back to the sushi.

The place, called Nakama, sends me this e-mail:

Are You Looking for Attention?

 

Are You Single and Don't Want To Be?

 

Are You Lonely, Especially around Valentine's Day?

 

If you answered YES to any of these questions, you need Nakama's help.Let's have some fun and play Matchmaker!  

 
  

Here's How:

 

    Come in to the cocktail lounge the weekend before Valentines Day on Thursday-Feb 7^th, Friday-Feb 8^th or Saturday-Feb 9^th.

 

    Buy a cocktail (If it's a beer, you'll need a glass to participate)

 

    Add a light cube to your purchase and choose a corresponding color!  Put it in your drink and see what happens next!

 

    Change the color to best fit your description or mood so maybe you can meet that special someone!  At least it's a good conversation starter!

 
    Red - Available

 
    Green -  In a Relationship

 
    Blue - It's Complicated

      Multi - What Happens at Nakama, Stays at Nakama

 

Lovely.

First off, Nakama, your formatting is SHIT.  This has got to be the ugliest invitation to romance I have ever received...and I've been hit on via Myspace.

Secondly...we're just going to ignore the fact that "Want some attention" is the first thing proposed in this.  We're not even going to touch that, because I've already done enough angry blogging for this week.

No, we're going to talk about those four categories there.  Only four?  I mean..."it's complicated?"  That doesn't really explain much.  And if you're putting an "It's complicated" in your drink, odds are somebody's going to sit down to try and ask you how complicated it is.  And then they get to try and soothe you with "Aw, baby, it's okay.  I'm not like other guys.  Really.  Now come on, I've got some great candy in my van."

Kidding!  Well, sort of.

Might I suggest possibly expanding the color selection?  I mean, now I'm tempted to sneak my own ice cube in.  Imagine some of the color possibilities:

Baby Blue: I have daddy issues

Pink: I have mommy issues

Yellow: Where have all the cowboys gone?  :(

Magenta: Don't bother me now, I'm arranging matches.

Flashing Green and Yellow: I tie people up in my basement and then video tape them.  Come on, come on, the camera's on, baby.

Flashing Blue and Red: Ask me about my house arrest anklet.

Purple: I'll constantly disappoint you by sneaking out in the middle of dates to fight crime because I'M THE GODDAMN BATMAN

Obnoxious strobe effect: I'm Kevin Federline

SUGGESTED BY OTHERS:

Orange: I have seventeen cats at home and an extensive collection of Bridal Magazines. Dear God, someone PLEASE talk to me.
by  xblanksface

Zebra: pin on a tail and let's go.
by failbot

Bronze: I'm so desperate to meet someone that I stuffed my bra with Kleenex and tanned myself with barbeque sauce.
by theredcardaudition

Really?  All I want when I go out for sushi is some good unagi roll and a nice seaweed salad.  That's all.  Don't wanna party, don't wanna get drunk.  Just want some eel. 

So I'll be avoiding Nakama that weekend.  Which shouldn't be hard, considering I wasn't planning on going there anyway.  But if anybody does check it out, let me know!  Hey, odd are it'll be fun that the angry single girl just missed out on!