Why isn't 'Batgirl' a valid career choice?

Did it end?  Well, yeah.  I don't really know when.  Sometime before graduation, obviously.  And I have no idea what happened to any of these girls.  Actually, I haven't even really thought about them in years. 

So that's the hope I give to you, youth of today.  High school is not a terminal illness.  It is a temporary situation that you get to blessedly leave behind.  Granted, adult hood isn't a cake walk, and you still run into bullies here and there as an adult, but there's also a hell of a lot of perks that come about. 

However, when I was in high school, there were two television series that got me through it alive.  One was Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, the first three seasons of which were about the titular character's high school experience.  The other was Daria, an animated series from MTV.  Both were very open about the fact that high school SUCKED hardcore sometimes.  And they didn't pretend that there was always a happy ending, that someday the mocked, outcast girl would end up the most popular girl in the school or that dating the hot vampire would fix all your problems.

However, I never saw either Buffy or Daria get pelted with Goldfish crackers.  Score one for me?

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During this time, I have morphed into something that legitimately scares me.  Something that has behaved in ways that I KNEW were wrong, rude and all together inappropriate at the time and yet I didn't stop myself.  Because I kept telling myself that I didn't care anymore, because a lot of it all just seemed useless.  I felt like nobody really liked me, anyway, like all of it was just bullshit.  So whatever I did really didn't matter in the end, it wouldn't cost me friends I didn't have in the first place.  I became paranoid that everyone, everywhere had an alterior motivation for speaking to me, that everyone was actually mocking me behind my back.  That life was a joke and somehow I was the ultimate punchline.

My actions have been borderline horrible.  They were rude, immature and oftentimes downright cruel.  And my anger just kept building...or should I say keeps building, since I haven't quite beaten that problem yet.  Anger at people I don't know, people I haven't even interacted with on the internet and believe me, a lot of you will never know the extent of it.


A few months ago my anger got so bad that I scared myself.  Not because I was afraid of hurting myself, but because I was so angry I didn't recognize my own thoughts anymore.  I freaked out, I tried to seek help, I found out that seeking help when you have no money and no insurance is like running a 100-yard-dash when you haven't warmed up, have smoked two packs a day for the past 10 years, are wearing four inch heels and have a 50lb weight chained to each of your ankles.  And even THAT hasn't solved much at this point because despite seeking help and wanting to get better, I've continued down the same path.  And while I honestly do try to control it, when I relapse, I relapse HARD.

In writing this, I'm once again addressing something indirectly, because throughout most of my bullshit (and it has mostly been bullshit) I have attempted to refrain from both naming names and putting the worst of it in Buzznet.  But the thing is: I didn't do that well enough.  And that's what I feel shitty for.  For not keeping a lot of things I knew were hurtful and unnecessary where they couldn't be found.  For putting it out there because a part of me wanted it to be found, a part of me wanted the rest of the world (especially those people who I perceived as having better lives than me, or who I felt didn't seem to understand the situation I was in) to feel as angry, as hurt and as betrayed by the world as I did.  Except that, while I had no real reason to feel all of those things, the people I was trying to take down with me DID.  I can't really say anything about the way I feel, because I don't know that THAT can be helped.  But I can say that I set out to hurt people and that, the action not the emotion, was wrong.  And while I said this isn't an apology, I'm going to sneak an apology in here: I'm sorry for being deliberately hurtful when I should have walked away.  I struck out in anger and defended it to myself with the fact that, well, I was angry.  But like I said, I'm pretty much ALWAYS angry these days, so that because a really lame-ass defense, doesn't it?

But I think I'm done with that...or at least I'm going to try to be done with it.  The anger parts, at least.  I'm trying to realign my way of thinking, trying to, as a wise Buzznet sensei said to me a week or so back, "Choose what angers me."  And to be honest, even THAT'S pretty damn scary, because as much as I don't know and don't LIKE the girl in my head now, I'm terrified the girl at the other end of the journey is going to be something even worse: not me at all. 

But then again, I really don't know that it gets much worse than being scared of yourself.  So we'll see.