Newageamazon's Journals

New Moon in $50

So, some friends and I made a New Moon parody. Filmed in two days with a budget of $50. I play Stephenie Meyer with the aid of some lip plumper.

It is finally online. Go watch.

Part 1

Part 2

A Heartthrob is Worth 1,000+ Words

In high school, I had a friend who's room was almost completely plastered with pictures of Led Zepplin lead singer Robert Plant. Except, of course, for a space she reserved for pics of Johnny Rzenick, lead singer of The Goo Goo Dolls.

I'm not mocking her or pointing fingers. After all, I had an impressive collection of pictures of Johnathan Taylor Thomas at one point. The inside of my closet door in high school was plastered with pictures of WWF superstars I fancied. And, though it still kind of pains me to admit it publically, once upon a time I went weak in the knees for AJ McLean, the bad boy archetype from The Backstreet Boys.

So what am I getting at here? Well, I'm getting at the fact that I understand the whole teenage attraction to a hearththrob thing. Puberty is weird for both guys and girls and suddenly there's weird hormones and feelings and...hair. So much hair in strange places.

That being said, I have a few bones to pick with an article run by the Associated Press that talked about how the Twilight phenomenon is just a "right of passage" for teenage girls. It's sometimes their first exposure to seeing boys in THAT way, the first step away from cooties and towards cuties.

And THAT I won't argue as being relatively healthy. It's a relatively safe crush. You don't know this guy, you're likely never going to meet him in any meaningful way. Maybe you'll get to see him at a con panel, maybe you'll get to say "Hi!" during an autograph signing. And because of this distance it's much safer to fantasize about that guy rather than someone you go to school with because a) you don't know any of the negative intimate details about him and b) you're aware on some level that it's not a realistic scenario and you can feel safer to fantasize. You already know it's not going to happen so it's not getting your hopes up, the way fantasizing about someone you have access to might.

So, really, I have no issue with young women having crushes on Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson. They're both moderately attractive men.

My issues are actually with a few ideas presented in the article. The first is, specifically, that they talk about how the difference between female celebrity crushes ("heartthrobs") differ from male celebrity crushes ("pin-ups"). "Most guys want to get physical with their love objects, where girls fantasize about their heartthrob becoming their boyfriend."

I don't think this is indicative of a healthy right of passage. I think it points more to an issue in the different ways we encourage male and female sexuality in society.

Yes, young women want to imagine these boys being their boyfriends. But could that maybe be because we both discourage and demonize female sexual desire from a young age? Girls are taught that sex is dirty, that wanting it makes you perverted and that having it outside of a relationship, or in many cases, outside of marriage, will label you with that dreaded four letter word: slut. But at the same time, biologically women still have sexual desires. And like I mentioned earlier: hormones run wild when you're at that age.

So of course young women are going to imagine relationships with these guys. Because for them that is a necessary step towards having sex. While at the same time young men generally aren't encouraged by society to worry about feelings in a relationship, it's about "boys will be boys." Which tends to mean "boys will be horny and you can't blame them for wanting sex all the time."

Which also leads to a difficult situation: boys are taught you don't have to be in a relationship for sex. Girls are taught they do. And since we're dealing a generally heteronormative situation it raises the issue of how we're preparing young men and women for adult relationships. Wouldn't it be better and possibly healthier for everyone involved if we taught both genders the same damn thing? And I'm not saying abstinence across the board or have all the sex you want across the board, I'm talking a balance between both of them. Yes, wanting sex is healthy, yes there are risks involved, yes there are ways to lesson the risks, yes you have a right to discuss emotional commitment beforehand if you want, yes there is a way to have sex outside a relationship and still show respect for your partner and your body. Why should we be teaching these kids who are going to be in relationships with each other to expect different things out of relationships? That just seems dangerous.

And of course, there's something else I need to point out in order to bring us back to Twilight. Almost all of the New Moon promo images of Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black show him shirtless. Many of the shots of Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen do the same. And I'm just a tiny bit upset over the obvious sexualization of the two male stars in a series who's underlying value system praises abstinence and devalues and demonizes female sexual desires. I find it kind of ironic they're luring girls in with sexy images in order to watch movies and read books about how women wanting sex is dangerous.

Also, now that we're back on Twilight, let me raise my final issue with the AP article. Like I said before, I have no problem with young women having crushes on Taylor and Robert. However, I constantly read things like this:

"It would be so fun to be Bella," Chloe says wistfully. "I love the idea of having two super-hot mythical creatures fighting over me. I just think that would be incredible."

These girls aren't fantasizing about relationships with Taylor and Robert. They are fantasizing about relationships with Jacob and Edward. And that is problematic.

The relationship dynamics in the Twilight series show that women always need to be dominated, that men need to take control. If Bella disagrees with either of her suitors she is either hushed, insulted or, occasionally, physically moved or coerced into agreeing. Edward is himself the textbook definition of an abusive boyfriend, going so far as to disable his girlfriend's car when she wants to visit a friend he doesn't approve of. The explanation we are given for all of this is that he's a vampire, and so it's different for him.

At the same time I have seen many young women...and even some my own age and older...talk about how desperately they want to find their own "Edward," while at the same time talking about how Edward isn't real. But sadly, he is in some ways. Specifically that there are men who are controlling, overbearing, insulting and occasionally physically destructive. Many of them are attractive, many of them can act like perfect gentlemen when they want, but they are still abusive. And many teens get themselves into a relationship with Edward or his equivalent, because statistically 1 in 3 teens will be involved in an abusive relationship.

And the fact that there are legions of teenage girls romanticizing an abusive situation worries me. That part isn't healthy. In fact, all it serves to do is belittle and even normalize the idea of that sort of abuse. It's just what's expected. How long until these women saying "it's okay because he's a vampire" move on to "it's okay because he loves me?" "It's okay because it was MY FAULT?" "It's okay because that's just how relationships work?"

What is even more troubling is that the publicity teams do little to nothing to discourage the difference between the actors and the characters they play. Tabloids are again and again fed rumors that Pattinson is dating castmate Kristen Stewart, who of course plays Edward's One True Love Bella Swan. And while both have denied dating, more and more US Magazine and its ilk insist that they two are seconds away from engagement and marriage. Why keep this up?

Because fans want to believe Twilight is real.

They want to believe Bella and Edward's love is so strong it made the actors playing them fall in love. I am personally wondering if by the next film we will see rumors of Stewart being torn between Pattinson and Lautner (as Bella ends up torn between Edward and Jacob) and by the final films, rumors of Stewart being pregnant (spoiler alert, for those of you who haven't already been told: in the final book, Bella discovers she is magically pregnant with a half vampire baby).

So girls, crush all you want on Robert and Taylor. It's even okay to admit you want to have sex with them. Just keep in mind, if you found yourself in the real world equivalent of the Bella and Edward romance? It would hardly be a romance to die for.

Tacky Twilight Merchandise Part 3: Hot Topic

Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate

For those of you unfamiliar, that's a line from Dante's Inferno. Those words are what are supposedly carved above the gate through which you enter Hell. In English, the most famous translation is "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here."

Which is the warning I must give you all before you read this journal. Upon seeing the items I'm about to mock, profusely, you may lose all hope in humanity. So it's better that you just leave all hope at the gate and continue on with the knowledge that Twilight is a lot like the Black Plague, only with fewer rats.

Yes, it has finally come time for me to talk about Hot Topic's line of New Moon merchandise. This was actually the store that convinced me I had to do this series of blogs, however I decided I had to save the best...or in this case, the worst...for last.

The deal here is, I'm not evening going to talk about their line of shirts. They suck, that's all I have to say. I seriously don't want to bore you with that when there is so much more to get into. I will however, say one thing about the modeling for some of these items:

That's a guy. In a New Moon hoodie.

Folks, I have a challenge for you: if you ever ever ever ever ever EVER come across a guy who is wearing an article of Twilight-themed clothing in public, unironically, I want you to STOP HIM AND TAKE A PICTURE. Because that is the ONLY WAY I WILL EVER BELIEVE THIS HAPPENS OUTSIDE OF HOTTOPIC.COM.

And I'm doing this a little out of order, but you'll see why below. The best item of the week is actually pretty good:

Bella's dress from her ill-fated birthday party. I love the color, the cut, everything except for the part where it's so associated with Twilight I could never wear it out of my apartment. Which SUCKS.

But no, no, no, now comes the time where we dive into the utterly ridiculous items that have Twilight plastered on them. We've seen shirts, jackets, jewelry, make-up and chocolate. But NONE of that compares to what we're starting off with:

Umbrella. Edward Cullen umbrella. Don't worry, girls. He'll protect you from the rain. And if he's afraid he can't, he'll lock you inside the house so you can't go outside in it because WHAT IF IT GETS IN YOUR EYES THAT WOULD BE THE WORST THING EVER.

Okay, the lunchbox isn't so bad, comparatively. Some girls use those as purses. But a THERMOS? Really? You mean, you intend people to carry food around in that? Sorry, but creepy teenage boys staring at me makes me LOSE my appetite.

You know what else makes me lose my appetite? THESE:

Why is there a Bella action figure? Isn't that an oxymoron? Shouldn't it be a Bella in-action figure? Oh, wait, right, she walks into things a lot. Well, then maybe she can use these!

New Moon Band-Aids! When you use them, they reassure you that they would NEVER hurt you. Even if they really instinctively want to because that's what their built for and HEY, THEY COULD KILL YOU ANY MINUTE BUT LOOK, THEY'RE NOT which is SO ROMANTIC. Then they stare at you while you sleep.

Of course, if you've read the books you know there's a lot of creepy staring. Mostly done by Edward. Through Bella's window. At night. But maybe being stared at while she slept wasn't enough. Maybe Bella really wanted, nay, needed, to feel as if he were spread out on top of her. Like a blanket.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THAT THING?

OH MY GOD, MAKE IT STOP!

HOW COULD ANYONE SLEEP KNOWING THAT WAS STARING THROUGH THE BACK OR SIDES OF THEIR HEAD? HOW?

But hey, maybe I'm looking at this wrong. Maybe it's just all about how Edward Cullen wants to smother you with his love.

And maybe a pillow.

Which would kill you.

Well, the pillow would.

Okay, yeah, being smothered with his love might kill you as well.

Oh, look, a musical jewelry box! So you can keep all of your generic-gothy-looking jewelry vaguely associated with New Moon safe!

You know what? When you're talking replica jewelry, I don't mind if it's something that is directly identifiable with a character. Or if it has some bearing on the plot. But, if I'm recalling New Moon correctly? NONE OF THIS STUFF HAS ANY POINT WHAT-SO-EVER OTHER THAN BEING ABLE TO BE CHEAPLY MASS PRODUCED AND SOLD AT AN INCREDIBLE MARK-UP.

Oh, oh, but if we're going to talk the JEWELRY, we have to bring these into play:

Let's imagine a scenario here, shall we!

Girl: Hey, honey! You won't believe what I got us!

Boy: Us? Huh?

Girl: Rings!

Boy: ...rings?

Girl: Uh-huh! And they're special! They have a quote from New Moon on them!

Boy: ...they kind of look like WEDDING rings...

Girl: And they're so perfect for us because our love is just like Edward and Bella's!

Boy: ...they look a lot like wedding ri- wait, Edward? Isn't that what you called me the other night when we were making out?

Girl: We're going to be together. FOREVER! TRUE LOVE NEVER DIES.

Boy: ...yeah, I think I'm going to go date someone a little less psychotic.

Girl: DON'T WORRY, DARLING! I KNOW YOU'LL BE BACK FOR ME! I'LL JUST LAY ON THE FLOOR LIKE A LICHEN UNTIL YOU COME BACK.

Boy: Yeah...you do that.

And she was never heard from again.

Folks, this is just...terrible. I get wanting teeshirts. I get wanting the jewelry, even. Some of the make-up was kind of cool. But this is just beyond the point of ridiculous. I made a crack last week about being able to slap the word "Twilight" on anything and sell it for ridiculous amounts of money. And I wasn't joking. Because I am now going to show you the item that SINGLE HANDEDLY convinced me I had to write this series of New Moon merch blogs. Because it manages to top even the Edward Cullen Body Glitter for sheer What The Fuck-ery.

Are you ready?

Are you SURE you want to see?

You still have time to turn back. I mean it.

Okay, you asked for it:

NEW MOON. PACKING. TAPE.

Yes. That is what you are looking at. That is what they are selling at Hot Topic. That is what they expect people to pay $10 US for.

LET. THAT. SINK. IN.

Submit Your Questions For Me To Ask Mayday Parade

This weekend I will be interviewing Mayday Parade for Buzznet. Submit your questions you have been dying to ask the band members and I will do my best to get them answered. [cut=More ...]

Got questions on their album? Leave a comment with your question.

Got questions about them on the AP tour or their upcoming headlining tour? Make em' good, we like creative questions, none of that typical stuff.

Upcoming Shows

Nov 11 2009

8:00P

AP Tour-Irving Plaza

New York, New York

Nov 12 2009

8:00P

AP Tour-Town Ballroom

Buffalo, New York

Nov 13 2009

8:00P

AP Tour-Guvernment

Toronto

Nov 14 2009

8:00P

AP Tour-House of Blues

Cleveland, Ohio

Nov 15 2009

8:00P

AP Tour-Altar Bar

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Nov 27 2009

7:00P

Sector 7G - HEADLINE TOUR

Augusta, Georgia

Nov 28 2009

4:45P

Greene Street - HEADLINE TOUR

Greensboro, North Carolina

Nov 29 2009

7:00P

Tremont Music Hall - HEADLINE TOUR

Charlotte, North Carolina

Dec 1 2009

7:00P

The Canal Club - HEADLINE TOUR

Richmond, Virginia

Dec 2 2009

7:00P

The Chameleon - HEADLINE TOUR

Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Dec 3 2009

6:30P

Forward Hall - HEADLINE TOUR

Erie, Pennsylvania

Dec 4 2009

7:30P

Musica - HEADLINE TOUR

Akron, Ohio

Dec 5 2009

7:00P

Emerson Theater - HEADLINE TOUR

Indianapolis, Indiana

Dec 6 2009

6:30P

Mojoes Coffeehouse - HEADLINE TOUR

Orland Park, Illinois

Dec 7 2009

6:30P

The Canopy - HEADLINE TOUR

Urbana, Illinois

Dec 9 2009

7:00P

The HuB - HEADLINE TOUR

Cedar Falls, Iowa

Dec 10 2009

7:00P

The Bottleneck - HEADLINE TOUR

Lawrence, Kansas

Dec 12 2009

5:30P

People’s Court - HEADLINE TOUR

Des Moines, Iowa

Dec 13 2009

7:30P

Firebird - HEADLINE TOUR

St. Louis, Missouri

Dec 14 2009

7:00P

The Village - HEADLINE TOUR

Little Rock, Arkansas

Dec 15 2009

6:30P

The Arbor - HEADLINE TOUR

Cordova, Tennessee

Dec 16 2009

6:30P

WorkPlay Theatre - HEADLINE TOUR

Birmingham, Alabama

Thanks. [/cut]

Tacky Twilight Merchandise Part 2: Nordstrom

So, last week's entry was fairly low-key, right? I mean, a few crappy teeshirts and some gross chocolate bars, but generally just, you know, bland.

Well, this week we step up our game a bit, folks. Because this week I'm wading through Nordstrom's exclusive New Moon collection.

The Nordstrom collection has something that simultaneously works both for and against it in my view. The shirts generally are generally fairly nice, there's no giant glaring heads on these...but at the same time it sort of bugs me because I would probably be interested in buying this stuff if it weren't Twilight-affiliated. It's kind of a tease: hey, look, there's something you'd wear, but you'd have to contribute to the "Twilight takes over everything" fund.

First of all, let's look at their take on the Team Edward and Team Jacob shirts:

So, the hearts and the paw on Jacob's shirt are a bit much, but they're still a lot better than last week's offerings. And the shirts actually look nicer as well: the longer style and cute layer-able scoop necks are nice.

Some of the other stuff is directly related to the books and movies, but without splashing characters all over your boobs. For example (the last one is the text from a letter to Alice):

Nordstrom even has a few pieces that aren't directly from the movie but were "inspired" by Alice and Bella's styles:

So over all the clothing is generally better than the other stuff.

Oh, but Nordstrom offers much more than clothing. They also carry JEWELRY. And THIS is where it starts to get bad.

Okay, I get that Bella Swan has pretty much nothing resembling a personality. Her default setting is "human doormat" which is occasionally offset by "manipulative negative female stereotype." But are you seriously telling me that when it came down to representing her personality via charms, THIS was the best you could do?

A "B," a lamb and A TRUCK? Really? That was the best third association for Bella you could find?

Then again, the Jacob stuff doesn't really fair much better:

Gold-plated motorcycles? Seriously? I mean, I get how they relate to Jacob, but are there really that many girls out there who would buy and then wear these?

Oh, and one of my major gripes with the whole line:

See those? Those are crescent moons. Crescent. Which in no way pertain to the books.

Look, if you're going for the title reference, a new moon would be when the moon is completely hidden. So...not these. And if you're going for the werewolf reference, that'd be a full moon...once again, not what's shown here. My speculation on the conversation that occurred when these were designed:

1: Sir, we have the final designs for the New Moon line. Here are the full moon earrings...

2: NO BUDGET FOR FULL MOON.

1: But sir, that...

2: NO BUDGET FOR FULL MOON. GO CRESCENT!

1: Waxing or waning?

2: DOESN'T MATTER. SLAP TWILIGHT ON IT AND THE KIDS'LL PAY WHATEVER WE WANT. THIS MORNING I TOOK A BANANA PEEL, WROTE "FUCK YEAH TWILIGHT!" ON IT AND SOLD IT FOR $60 ON E-BAY!

True story.

And speaking of "slap Twilight on it?" Here's the New Moon make-up line.

There are four different compact color options. Bella, Alice, Rosalie and Victoria.

Not sure which one to choose? DON'T WORRY! There's a handy quiz on the site to tell you which one you should buy! Because skin tone and eye color don't really matter, what matters here is how an arbitrary quiz compares you to fictional characters. Thanks to the quiz, I know that I should buy the "Bella" compact, which I'm guessing means I have the most neutral personality in the world.

Oh, and you know what's been missing from ALL of the stuff we've seen so far? THAT'S RIGHT. DAZZLE. Well, never fear!

Twilight body glow and face glow! Because we have gotten through far too much of this without body glitter showing up.

Oh, and of course, there's the much-advertised Lip Venom.

But perhaps the most disturbing items are these:

Life size cutouts of the two most important men in Bella Swan's life. The one who has the emotional maturity of a 16-year-old virgin and the one who IS a 16-year-old virgin.

And through all of this, I'm astonished by one thing: the price. Seriously. The teeshirts all run around $30. There's tank tops for $28. The tunic and jacket are both around $50. The make up is generally priced around $20 per item, with the body glow costing $34. Jewelry ranges from $22 to $36. And I'm left wondering:

WHO THE HELL WOULD SPEND THAT KIND OF MONEY ON THIS STUFF JUST BECAUSE IT'S TWILIGHT?

I mean, I can kind of understand splurging a bit for something because you're a fan, but $30 for a tissue thin teeshirt? Because it's a Twilight tie-in? $36 for cream when you can get a similar and also sparkling product from Target for $8 or so? Is Twilight really such a cash cow that people will pay $24 for a necklace with a motorcycle charm on it? REALLY?

BEST ITEM:

I have to admit, I actually think the Volturi hoodie looks cute and comfy. And it's not really identifiable as Twilight merch, either:

WORST ITEM:

$30 for this? REALLY? It looks like something Perez Hilton's Hot Topic line rejected for being too fugly. Which is saying something:

Speaking of Hot Topic, tune in next Thursday when I tackle their New Moon items. Ever wanted Twilight tie-in packing tape? WELL, GUESS WHAT? YOU'RE IN LUCK!

OH! And don't forget to check out the Buzznet Twi-Hardy Collaboration Challenge! Trust me, the prize pack will be FABULOUS.

Save Our @SiskyBusiness!

And suddenly, a horrific cry rang out across the internet. For, low and behold, William Beckett has spoken: [cut=Read more...]

Gasp, shock, horror. We cannot allow this to happen, Buzznet. For what would the world be without Sisky Biz on Twitter? Hmmm?

Who would rally the troops with things like #draculasthatdontsuckanythingexceptblood?

Who would assure us that Meryl Streep was, in fact, a babe?

Who would keep us updated on his terrible choices in facial hair?

So, Buzznet, I implore you: if you do not have Siska friended on Twitter, please go add him. Now. At the time of this writing he is at 20,365 followers. That only 10,000 more followers by the end of the year! GO TEAM SISKY BIZ!

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Buzznet Twi-Hardy Collaboration Challenge

It started with an innocent enough comment from Breesays in my Tacky Twilight blog from last week:

guys i have a great idea--a twilight/ed hardy collab. visual vomit at its finest!!!

At which point, myself and user Ikkyg concluded that something like this needed to be photoshopped. And thus a community challenge was born.

ANNOUNCING: THE TWI-HARDY COLLABORATION CHALLENGE

How to enter:

Design what you think a Twilight/Ed Hardy collaboration would look like.
Upload it to Buzznet with the tag "TwihardyChallenge09"
????
PROFIT!

And by "Profit!" I mean a panel of judges to consist of at least myself (and hopefully Breesays and Ikkyg as well), will pick our favorites. The top three will be featured in a blog and the winner will receive a prize package full of appropriate items.

DEADLINE TO ENTER IS DECEMBER 4TH, 2009.

Come on, Buzznet. Show me your WORST.

Also, be sure to watch tomorrow and next week for more Tacky Twilight Thursday.

LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE, MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE! LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE!

At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see

You are never coming home
Never coming home never coming home
Never coming home

And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever gonna hold me
Never coming home
Never coming home
Could I?
Should I?
And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me
For all the ghosts that are never gonna...

(For those of you who must know: no, these are not actually the My Chemapples from the other pictures. Those guys were already past their prime when I started taking the photos, and I was not going to eat them after they'd been all over my floor. Ew.

Those apples are safe and have been released into the wild.)

Rock the Vote Healthcare Forum featuring Pete Wentz is NOW online!

Back in late October, I did an article here that talked about Healthcare Reform in the US and how it affects both Buzznet users and the bands they are fans of. In the article, I mentioned an online forum I participated in which featured several speakers, including Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy. [cut=Read more...]

The video recap of the panel is finally available online, and I suggest you watch it. It's extremely informative and addresses a lot of issues I couldn't fit into my write-up last month. This is extremely important as Congress is voting on the Reform Bill at this very second.

Watch below or on the official Rock the Vote site.

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My Chem-Apple Romance: Day 3

Holy crap did these guys have an adventurous day!

First of all, Frank and Bob met a giant spider!

Frank reacted quickly by...hiding behind Bob.

Lucky for them, Buffy was nearby and saved them!

Then Gerard showed up and asked if he could try on Buffy's jacket and she said "Um, sure?"

Gerard thinks he looks damn good in Buffy's jacket. Frank agrees.

Meanwhile, Mikey and Ray make coffee.

Someone pointed out to me today that album releases are on TUESDAYS. Well, THAT DOESN'T MATTER! If MCR doesn't want to see these apples sliced up and baked into a pie and EATEN, they will put out a new album by November 9th, 2009!