Why isn't 'Batgirl' a valid career choice?

Decaydance Records doesn't call themselves a record label so much as a gang.  This has been announced by label head Pete Wentz as well as other label members Travis McCoy and Gabe Saporta.  And now, that gang has a new member. Ready for it?

So, some friends and I made a New Moon parody.  Filmed in two days with a budget of $50.  I play Stephenie Meyer with the aid of some lip plumper.

It is finally online.  Go watch.

Part 1

Part 2

In high school, I had a friend who's room was almost completely plastered with pictures of Led Zepplin lead singer Robert Plant.  Except, of course, for a space she reserved for pics of Johnny Rzenick, lead singer of The Goo Goo Dolls.

I'm not mocking her or pointing fingers.  After all, I had an impressive collection of pictures of Johnathan Taylor Thomas at one point.  The inside of my closet door in high school was plastered with pictures of WWF superstars I fancied.  And, though it still kind of pains me to admit it publically, once upon a time I went weak in the knees for AJ McLean, the bad boy archetype from The Backstreet Boys.

So what am I getting at here?  Well, I'm getting at the fact that I understand the whole teenage attraction to a hearththrob thing.  Puberty is weird for both guys and girls and suddenly there's weird hormones and feelings and...hair.  So much hair in strange places.

That being said, I have a few bones to pick with an article run by the Associated Press that talked about how the Twilight phenomenon is just a "right of passage" for teenage girls.  It's sometimes their first exposure to seeing boys in THAT way, the first step away from cooties and towards cuties. 

And THAT I won't argue as being relatively healthy.  It's a relatively safe crush.  You don't know this guy, you're likely never going to meet him in any meaningful way.  Maybe you'll get to see him at a con panel, maybe you'll get to say "Hi!" during an autograph signing.  And because of this distance it's much safer to fantasize about that guy rather than someone you go to school with because a) you don't know any of the negative intimate details about him and b) you're aware on some level that it's not a realistic scenario and you can feel safer to fantasize.  You already know it's not going to happen so it's not getting your hopes up, the way fantasizing about someone you have access to might.

So, really, I have no issue with young women having crushes on Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson.  They're both moderately attractive men. 

My issues are actually with a few ideas presented in the article.  The first is, specifically, that they talk about how the difference between female celebrity crushes ("heartthrobs") differ from male celebrity crushes ("pin-ups").  "Most guys want to get physical with their love objects, where girls fantasize about their heartthrob becoming their boyfriend."

I don't think this is indicative of a healthy right of passage.   I think it points more to an issue in the different ways we encourage male and female sexuality in society.

Yes, young women want to imagine these boys being their boyfriends.  But could that maybe be because we both discourage and demonize female sexual desire from a young age?  Girls are taught that sex is dirty, that wanting it makes you perverted and that having it outside of a relationship, or in many cases, outside of marriage, will label you with that dreaded four letter word: slut.  But at the same time, biologically women still have sexual desires.  And like I mentioned earlier: hormones run wild when you're at that age.

So of course young women are going to imagine relationships with these guys.  Because for them that is a necessary step towards having sex.  While at the same time young men generally aren't encouraged by society to worry about feelings in a relationship, it's about "boys will be boys."  Which tends to mean "boys will be horny and you can't blame them for wanting sex all the time."

Which also leads to a difficult situation: boys are taught you don't have to be in a relationship for sex.  Girls are taught they do.  And since we're dealing a generally heteronormative situation it raises the issue of how we're preparing young men and women for adult relationships.  Wouldn't it be better and possibly healthier for everyone involved if we taught both genders the same damn thing?  And I'm not saying abstinence across the board or have all the sex you want across the board, I'm talking a balance between both of them.  Yes, wanting sex is healthy, yes there are risks involved, yes there are ways to lesson the risks, yes you have a right to discuss emotional commitment beforehand if you want, yes there is a way to have sex outside a relationship and still show respect for your partner and your body.  Why should we be teaching these kids who are going to be in relationships with each other to expect different things out of relationships?  That just seems dangerous.

And of course, there's something else I need to point out  in order to bring us back to Twilight.  Almost all of the New Moon promo images of Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black show him shirtless.  Many of the shots of Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen do the same.    And I'm just a tiny bit upset over the obvious sexualization of the two male stars in a series who's underlying value system praises abstinence and devalues and demonizes female sexual desires. I find it kind of ironic they're luring girls in with sexy images in order to watch movies and read books about how women wanting sex is dangerous.

Also, now that we're back on Twilight, let me raise my final issue with the AP article.  Like I said before, I have no problem with young women having crushes on Taylor and Robert.  However, I constantly read things like this:

"It would be so fun to be Bella," Chloe says wistfully. "I love the idea of having two super-hot mythical creatures fighting over me. I just think that would be incredible."

These girls aren't fantasizing about relationships with Taylor and Robert.  They are fantasizing about relationships with Jacob and Edward.  And that is problematic.

The relationship dynamics in the Twilight series show that women always need to be dominated, that men need to take control.  If Bella disagrees with either of her suitors she is either hushed, insulted or, occasionally, physically moved or coerced into agreeing.  Edward is himself the textbook definition of an abusive boyfriend, going so far as to disable his girlfriend's car when she wants to visit a friend he doesn't approve of.  The explanation we are given for all of this is that he's a vampire, and so it's different for him.

At the same time I have seen many young women...and even some my own age and older...talk about how desperately they want to find their own "Edward," while at the same time talking about how Edward isn't real.  But sadly, he is in some ways.  Specifically that there are men who are controlling, overbearing, insulting and occasionally physically destructive.  Many of them are attractive, many of them can act like perfect gentlemen when they want, but they are still abusive.  And many teens get themselves into a relationship with Edward or his equivalent, because statistically 1 in 3 teens will be involved in an abusive relationship.

And the fact that there are legions of teenage girls romanticizing an abusive situation worries me.  That part isn't healthy.  In fact, all it serves to do is belittle and even normalize the idea of that sort of abuse.  It's just what's expected.  How long until these women saying "it's okay because he's a vampire" move on to "it's okay because he loves me?"  "It's okay because it was MY FAULT?"  "It's okay because that's just how relationships work?"

What is even more troubling is that the publicity teams do little to nothing to discourage the difference between the actors and the characters they play.  Tabloids are again and again fed rumors that Pattinson is dating castmate Kristen Stewart, who of course plays Edward's One True Love Bella Swan.  And while both have denied dating, more and more US Magazine and its ilk insist that they two are seconds away from engagement and marriage.  Why keep this up? 

Because fans want to believe Twilight is real. 

They want to believe Bella and Edward's love is so strong it made the actors playing them fall in love.  I am personally wondering if by the next film we will see rumors of Stewart being torn between Pattinson and Lautner (as Bella ends up torn between Edward and Jacob) and by the final films, rumors of Stewart being pregnant (spoiler alert, for those of you who haven't already been told: in the final book, Bella discovers she is magically pregnant with a half vampire baby). 

So girls, crush all you want on Robert and Taylor.  It's even okay to admit you want to have sex with them.  Just keep in mind, if you found yourself in the real world equivalent of the Bella and Edward romance?  It would hardly be a romance to die for.

Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate

For those of you unfamiliar, that's a line from Dante's Inferno.  Those words are what are supposedly carved above the gate through which you enter Hell.  In English, the most famous translation is "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here."

Which is the warning I must give you all before you read this journal.  Upon seeing the items I'm about to mock, profusely, you may lose all hope in humanity.  So it's better that you just leave all hope at the gate and continue on with the knowledge that Twilight is a lot like the Black Plague, only with fewer rats.

Yes, it has finally come time for me to talk about Hot Topic's line of New Moon merchandise.  This was actually the store that convinced me I had to do this series of blogs, however I decided I had to save the best...or in this case, the worst...for last.

The deal here is, I'm not evening going to talk about their line of shirts.  They suck, that's all I have to say.  I seriously don't want to bore you with that when there is so much more to get into.  I will however, say one thing about the modeling for some of these items:

That's a guy.  In a New Moon hoodie.

Folks, I have a challenge for you: if you ever ever ever ever ever EVER come across a guy who is wearing an article of Twilight-themed clothing in public, unironically, I want you to STOP HIM AND TAKE A PICTURE.  Because that is the ONLY WAY I WILL EVER BELIEVE THIS HAPPENS OUTSIDE OF HOTTOPIC.COM.

And I'm doing this a little out of order, but you'll see why below.  The best item of the week is actually pretty good:

Bella's dress from her ill-fated birthday party.  I love the color, the cut, everything except for the part where it's so associated with Twilight I could never wear it out of my apartment.  Which SUCKS.

But no, no, no, now comes the time where we dive into the utterly ridiculous items that have Twilight plastered on them.  We've seen shirts, jackets, jewelry, make-up and chocolate.  But NONE of that compares to what we're starting off with:

Umbrella.  Edward Cullen umbrella.  Don't worry, girls.  He'll protect you from the rain.  And if he's afraid he can't, he'll lock you inside the house so you can't go outside in it because WHAT IF IT GETS IN YOUR EYES THAT WOULD BE THE WORST THING EVER.

Okay, the lunchbox isn't so bad, comparatively.  Some girls use those as purses.  But a THERMOS?  Really?  You mean, you intend people to carry food around in that?  Sorry, but creepy teenage boys staring at me makes me LOSE my appetite.

You know what else makes me lose my appetite?  THESE:

Why is there a Bella action figure?  Isn't that an oxymoron?  Shouldn't it be a Bella in-action figure?  Oh, wait, right, she walks into things a lot.  Well, then maybe she can use these!

New Moon Band-Aids!  When you use them, they reassure you that they would NEVER hurt you.  Even if they really instinctively want to because that's what their built for and HEY, THEY COULD KILL YOU ANY MINUTE BUT LOOK, THEY'RE NOT which is SO ROMANTIC. Then they stare at you while you sleep.

Of course, if you've read the books you know there's a lot of creepy staring.  Mostly done by Edward.  Through Bella's window.  At night.  But maybe being stared at while she slept wasn't enough.  Maybe Bella really wanted, nay, needed, to feel as if he were spread out on top of her.  Like a blanket.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THAT THING?

OH MY GOD, MAKE IT STOP!

HOW COULD ANYONE SLEEP KNOWING THAT WAS STARING THROUGH THE BACK OR SIDES OF THEIR HEAD?  HOW? 

But hey, maybe I'm looking at this wrong.  Maybe it's just all about how Edward Cullen wants to smother you with his love. 

And maybe a pillow.

Which would kill you.

Well, the pillow would.

Okay, yeah, being smothered with his love might kill you as well. 

Oh, look, a musical jewelry box!  So you can keep all of your generic-gothy-looking jewelry vaguely associated with New Moon safe!

You know what?  When you're talking replica jewelry, I don't mind if it's something that is directly identifiable with a character.  Or if it has some bearing on the plot.  But, if I'm recalling New Moon correctly?  NONE OF THIS STUFF HAS ANY POINT WHAT-SO-EVER OTHER THAN BEING ABLE TO BE CHEAPLY MASS PRODUCED AND SOLD AT AN INCREDIBLE MARK-UP.

Oh, oh, but if we're going to talk the JEWELRY, we have to bring these into play:

Let's imagine a scenario here, shall we!

Girl: Hey, honey!  You won't believe what I got us!

Boy: Us?  Huh?

Girl: Rings!

Boy: ...rings?

Girl: Uh-huh!  And they're special!  They have a quote from New Moon on them!

Boy: ...they kind of look like WEDDING rings...

Girl: And they're so perfect for us because our love is just like Edward and Bella's!

Boy: ...they look a lot like wedding ri- wait, Edward?  Isn't that what you called me the other night when we were making out?

Girl: We're going to be together.  FOREVER!  TRUE LOVE NEVER DIES.

Boy: ...yeah, I think I'm going to go date someone a little less psychotic.

Girl: DON'T WORRY, DARLING!  I KNOW YOU'LL BE BACK FOR ME!  I'LL JUST LAY ON THE FLOOR LIKE A LICHEN UNTIL YOU COME BACK.

Boy: Yeah...you do that.

And she was never heard from again.

Folks, this is just...terrible.  I get wanting teeshirts.  I get wanting the jewelry, even.  Some of the make-up was kind of cool.  But this is just beyond the point of ridiculous.  I made a crack last week about being able to slap the word "Twilight" on anything and sell it for ridiculous amounts of money.  And I wasn't joking.  Because I am now going to show you the item that SINGLE HANDEDLY convinced me I had to write this series of New Moon merch blogs.  Because it manages to top even the Edward Cullen Body Glitter for sheer What The Fuck-ery.

Are you ready?

Are you SURE you want to see?

You still have time to turn back.  I mean it.

Okay, you asked for it:

NEW MOON.  PACKING.  TAPE.

Yes.  That is what you are looking at.  That is what they are selling at Hot Topic.  That is what they expect people to pay $10 US for.

LET.  THAT.  SINK. IN.

This weekend I will be interviewing Mayday Parade for Buzznet. Submit your questions you have been dying to ask the band members and I will do my best to get them answered. More ...

So, last week's entry was fairly low-key, right?  I mean, a few crappy teeshirts and some gross chocolate bars, but generally just, you know, bland.  

Well, this week we step up our game a bit, folks.  Because this week I'm wading through Nordstrom's exclusive New Moon collection.

The Nordstrom collection has something that simultaneously works both for and against it in my view.  The shirts generally are generally fairly nice, there's no giant glaring heads on these...but at the same time it sort of bugs me because I would probably be interested in buying this stuff if it weren't Twilight-affiliated.  It's kind of a tease: hey, look, there's something you'd wear, but you'd have to contribute to the "Twilight takes over everything" fund.

First of all, let's look at their take on the Team Edward and Team Jacob shirts:

So, the hearts and the paw on Jacob's shirt are a bit much, but they're still a lot better than last week's offerings.  And the shirts actually look nicer as well: the longer style and cute layer-able scoop necks are nice.

Some of the other stuff is directly related to the books and movies, but without splashing characters all over your boobs.  For example (the last one is the text from a letter to Alice):

Nordstrom even has a few pieces that aren't directly from the movie but were "inspired" by Alice and Bella's styles:

So over all the clothing is generally better than the other stuff.

Oh, but Nordstrom offers much more than clothing.  They also carry JEWELRY.  And THIS is where it starts to get bad.

Okay, I get that Bella Swan has pretty much nothing resembling a personality.  Her default setting is "human doormat" which is occasionally offset by "manipulative negative female stereotype."  But are you seriously telling me that when it came down to representing her personality via charms, THIS was the best you could do?

A "B," a lamb and A TRUCK?  Really?  That was the best third association for Bella you could find?

Then again, the Jacob stuff doesn't really fair much better:

Gold-plated motorcycles?  Seriously?  I mean, I get how they relate to Jacob, but are there really that many girls out there who would buy and then wear these?

Oh, and one of my major gripes with the whole line:

See those?  Those are crescent moons.  Crescent.  Which in no way pertain to the books.

Look, if you're going for the title reference, a new moon would be when the moon is completely hidden.  So...not these.  And if you're going for the werewolf reference, that'd be a full moon...once again, not what's shown here.  My speculation on the conversation that occurred when these were designed:

1: Sir, we have the final designs for the New Moon line.  Here are the full moon earrings...

2: NO BUDGET FOR FULL MOON.

1: But sir, that...

2: NO BUDGET FOR FULL MOON.  GO CRESCENT!

1: Waxing or waning?

2: DOESN'T MATTER.  SLAP TWILIGHT ON IT AND THE KIDS'LL PAY WHATEVER WE WANT.  THIS MORNING I TOOK A BANANA PEEL, WROTE "FUCK YEAH TWILIGHT!" ON IT AND SOLD IT FOR $60 ON E-BAY!

True story. 

And speaking of "slap Twilight on it?"  Here's the New Moon make-up line.

There are four different compact color options.  Bella, Alice, Rosalie and Victoria.

Not sure which one to choose?  DON'T WORRY!  There's a handy quiz on the site to tell you which one you should buy!  Because skin tone and eye color don't really matter, what matters here is how an arbitrary quiz compares you to fictional characters.  Thanks to the quiz, I know that I should buy the "Bella" compact, which I'm guessing means I have the  most neutral personality in the world.  

Oh, and you know what's been missing from ALL of the stuff we've seen so far?  THAT'S RIGHT.  DAZZLE.  Well, never fear!

Twilight body glow and face glow!  Because we have gotten through far too much of this without body glitter showing up.

Oh, and of course, there's the much-advertised Lip Venom.

But perhaps the most disturbing items are these:

Life size cutouts of the two most important men in Bella Swan's life.  The one who has the emotional maturity of a 16-year-old virgin and the one who IS a 16-year-old virgin.

And through all of this, I'm astonished by one thing: the price.  Seriously.  The teeshirts all run around $30.  There's tank tops for $28.  The tunic and jacket are both around $50.  The make up is generally priced around $20 per item, with the body glow costing $34.  Jewelry ranges from $22 to $36.  And I'm left wondering:

WHO THE HELL WOULD SPEND THAT KIND OF MONEY ON THIS STUFF JUST BECAUSE IT'S TWILIGHT?

I mean, I can kind of understand splurging a bit for something because you're a fan, but $30 for a tissue thin teeshirt?  Because it's a Twilight tie-in?  $36 for cream when you can get a similar and also sparkling product from Target for $8 or so?  Is Twilight really such a cash cow that people will pay $24 for a necklace with a motorcycle charm on it?  REALLY?

BEST ITEM:

I have to admit, I actually think the Volturi hoodie looks cute and comfy.  And it's not really identifiable as Twilight merch, either:

WORST ITEM:

$30 for this?  REALLY?  It looks like something Perez Hilton's Hot Topic line rejected for being too fugly.  Which is saying something:

Speaking of Hot Topic, tune in next Thursday when I tackle their New Moon items.  Ever wanted Twilight tie-in packing tape?  WELL, GUESS WHAT?  YOU'RE IN LUCK!

OH!  And don't forget to check out the Buzznet Twi-Hardy Collaboration Challenge!  Trust me, the prize pack will be FABULOUS.

And suddenly, a horrific cry rang out across the internet.  For, low and behold, William Beckett has spoken: Read more...

It started with an innocent enough comment from Breesays in my Tacky Twilight blog from last week:

guys i have a great idea--a twilight/ed hardy collab. visual vomit at its finest!!!

At which point, myself and user Ikkyg concluded that something like this needed to be photoshopped.  And thus a community challenge was born.

ANNOUNCING: THE TWI-HARDY COLLABORATION CHALLENGE

How to enter:

1. Design what you think a Twilight/Ed Hardy collaboration would look like. 
2. Upload it to Buzznet with the tag "TwihardyChallenge09"
3. ????
4. PROFIT!

And by "Profit!" I mean a panel of judges to consist of at least myself (and hopefully Breesays and Ikkyg as well), will pick our favorites.  The top three will be featured in a blog and the winner will receive a prize package full of appropriate items.

DEADLINE TO ENTER IS DECEMBER 4TH, 2009. 

Come on, Buzznet.  Show me your WORST.

Also, be sure to watch tomorrow and next week for more Tacky Twilight Thursday.

At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see

You are never coming home
Never coming home never coming home
Never coming home

And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever gonna hold me
Never coming home
Never coming home
Could I?
Should I?
And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me
For all the ghosts that are never gonna...

(For those of you who must know: no, these are not actually the My Chemapples from the other pictures.  Those guys were already past their prime when I started taking the photos, and I was not going to eat them after they'd been all over my floor.  Ew.  

Those apples are safe and have been released into the wild.)

Back in late October, I did an article here that talked about Healthcare Reform in the US and how it affects both Buzznet users and the bands they are fans of.  In the article, I mentioned an online forum I participated in which featured several speakers, including Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy. Read more...

Holy crap did these guys have an adventurous day!

First of all, Frank and Bob met a giant spider!

Frank reacted quickly by...hiding behind Bob.

Lucky for them, Buffy was nearby and saved them!

Then Gerard showed up and asked if he could try on Buffy's jacket and she said "Um, sure?"

Gerard thinks he looks damn good in Buffy's jacket.  Frank agrees.

Meanwhile, Mikey and Ray make coffee.

Someone pointed out to me today that album releases are on TUESDAYS.  Well, THAT DOESN'T MATTER!  If MCR doesn't want to see these apples sliced up and baked into a pie and EATEN, they will put out a new album by November 9th, 2009!

If you're like me, then the quickly approaching release date for New Moon leaves you with only one desire: to crawl into a hole and not come out until the abstinence fueled Twi-frenzy goes back into hibernation.

But alas, this is really not possible.  So we are damned in that everywhere we turn there will be SOMETHING relating to Twilight, be it an advertisement, a blog, an interview or, of course, merchandise.

And really, for me, the merchandise is some of the worst of it.  I know it's unescapable because we're talking about a franchise extremely popular with teens and young adults, both demographics who tend to have disposable income.  But really, sometimes these things go too far (WARNING: THAT LAST LINK IS VERY, VERY, VERY NOT SAFE FOR UNDERAGED READERS, WORK OR FOR ANYONE'S SANITY.  DO NOT CLICK IT IF YOU ARE ON A SHARED COMPUTER OR USING A COMPUTER WHERE SOMEONE WOULD FREAK OUT IF THEY CAUGHT YOU LOOKING AT SPARKLING SEX TOYS.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.).

Most of the stuff is pretty mundane, though.  But it's all fairly sad and generally very tacky.  So, for the next three weeks leading up to the movie's release, I will be presenting you with the best...which is really, to be fair, the worst...of the "exclusive" Twilight merchandise.

First we tackle Rue 21.  Their New Moon Exclusive Line is actually pretty dull.  You've got your requisite Team Edward and Team Jacob tees:

And, well, really the rest of the line is generally pictures of Edward and Jacob with differing background designs and sayings.  It's...really pretty boring.

Boring and poorly thought out, actually.  I mean, look at these:

Oh, golly, gee, my choices are having Edward's creeptastic cupcake dog impression on my boob, or having Jacob's "going to hunt you down and mount you" expression on my boob.  Gee, why not just COMBINE the two shirts so I can have a creepy guy staring out at people from both of my tits?

And then there's this shirt:

When I first saw it, it reminded me of something but I just couldn't quite put my finger on it.  And then it hit me:

It's eerily like something I'd expect from a piece of Labyrinth merchandise.  Which, you know, okay, there's a certain number of parallels between the two movies: both are about a creepy older guy who stalks and belittles a spoiled, entitled teenage girl and attempts to bend her to his will.

EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE IN LABYRINTH, JARETH IS UNDENIABLY THE BAD GUY AND IN THE END SARAH GROWS UP, STANDS UP TO HIM AND DEFEATS HIM RATHER THAN MARRYING HIM AND CARRYING AROUND HIS UTERUS NOMMING HELLSPAWN.

*catches breath*

Rue 21 doesn't stop with the t-shirts, though.  They also offer movie posters and, um, Twilight candy bars.

Cream filled Twilight candy bars.

Make your own "Cream filled" joke here, please.

In summation: Rue 21's line is fairly boring and really left me without much to mock.  Fairly standard movie-tie-in merch.

The best item:

I actually find this Forks High School Athletic shirt kind of cute.

The worst item:

Hard to choose not because of badness but because of general boring-ness.  But I think I settled on this shirt if only for Edward's creepy gaze.

Join me again next week when I take on the official New Moon merch from Nordstrom, including jewelry and cosmetics!

I've let the apples have the run of my apartment while I'm at work because, hey, they're possibly going to be baked into a pie and eaten anyway.  So why not?

Strangely, all of them have begun to act like their namesakes.  It's kind of weird, actually.

Gerard got into my comic books.

Frank was upset that I didn't have a puppy for him to play with, but he ended up making friends with my lucky stuffed French Lab Rat, Marcel.

Ray and Mikey pretty much chilled out and played video games together.  Though they did end up complaining about my lack of selection.

And Bob is so damn pimp, he spent the day in a tropical paradise, hanging out with Wonder Woman and former WWE Diva Amy "Lita" Dumas.  

Do you feel any compassion for these apples yet, My Chemical Romance?  DO YOU?  Well, if so, YOU'D BETTER MOVE ON THAT ALBUM.  Because, as a reminder, if I do not have a new My Chemical Romance album by MONDAY, NOVEMBER 9TH, I will BAKE THESE APPLES INTO A PIE AND EAT THEM!

Now is not the time for idle threats, my friends.  Now is not the time for patience or excuses.

It is almost the end of 2009 and we still do not have a new My Chemical Romance CD.  We have put up with update after update from the band during their studio time, yet we still do not have a follow-up to The Black Parade.  I cannot deal with this anymore.  This is a matter of dire consequence.Read on...

About two weeks ago, while complaining about the return of plaid to the fashion world, I said to a friend "It's like they decided 'hey, the 90's were cool, let's bring them back...but without the good music or pushing for social change.  So...plaid's pretty much all we've got left.'"

Apparently the world decided that it would, for once, humor me.  Because Lilith Fair, the all women's music festival, will return in 2010.

Founded by Sarah McLachlan, the festival ran from 1997 to 1999 and was marked by it's dedication to women in music.  Acts such as Tegan and Sarah, Queen Latifah, Christina Aguilera, The Dixie Chickss, Sheryl Crow and McLachlan herself played the festival's stages.  Lilith was one of the high grossing tours in the world and brought in an impressive amount of money for local charities.

So far, the new Lilith site has announced the first round of cities and has promised more in the future, as well as announcing bands and artists to be featured on the tour.  You can also follow the Lillith Fair Twitter, @lilithfair. 

Could this mean the women's revolution in music is finally coming back?  Or is a decade later a decade too late for Lilith to help women re-establish their place in the music world?

When Pete Wentz was 23 years old, his life was not like most of ours.  Pete was spending his time traveling around in a van with his friends and bandmates trying to make Fall Out Boy happen.  

However, Pete did have something in common with an overwhelming number of 23 year olds: he had no health insurance.  And according to what he said in a forum on Wednesday night, hosted by Passtheball.com and Rock The Vote, his choices amounted to either pay for health insurance or put gas in the van.  Insurance or buy a new amp. Insurance or promotion for the band. Read more...

Pete Wentz's social activism is hardly a secret.  Between his work with Invisible Children, his outspoken political support for President Barack Obama during last year's presidential election and contributing to Half of Us, a site which deals with depression and suicide, Wentz has definitely used his fame to help promote and raise money and awareness for his causes. Read more...

I know, I know, the title to this sounds like a Twilight bashing statement.  And don't worry, we'll get to that, eventually.  But for now, let's concentrate on the fact that a recent article in Esquire actually made the claim that the Twilight series, in fact, the entire current vampire craze, is "because young straight women want to have sex with gay men."

I am not making this up:

Edward, the romantic hero of the Twilight series, is a sweet, screwed-up high school kid, and at the beginning of his relationship with Bella, she is attracted to him because he is strange, beautiful, and seemingly repulsed by her. This exact scenario happened several times in my high school between straight girls and gay guys who either hadn't figured out they were gay or were still in the closet. Twilight's fantasy is that the gorgeous gay guy can be your boyfriend, and for the slightly awkward teenage girls who consume the books and movies, that's the clincher. Vampire fiction for young women is the equivalent of lesbian porn for men: Both create an atmosphere of sexual abandon that is nonthreatening. That's what everybody wants, isn't it?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, back up here.  Let's address this bit by bit, okay?

First of all, yes, there is something to the vampires as a metaphor for homosexuality theory.  Vampires for the most part are known for having fangs.  The vampires feed by penetrating a human with their fangs and draining their vital fluids.  Note the key word there: penetrating.  Penetration.

LIKE WITH A PENIS.

Sorry, just had to get that out there.  Yes, some psychologists read the fangs and feeding as a metaphor for penetration and therefor sex.  Which is part of why we read vampires as sexual in the first place.  Even going as far back as Bram Stoker there's the possibility to read in homosexual subtext:

But at that instant, another sensation swept through me as quick as lightning. I was conscious of the presence of the Count, and of his being as if lapped in a storm of fury. As my eyes opened involuntarily I saw his strong hand grasp the slender neck of the fair woman and with giant's power draw it back, the blue eyes transformed with fury, the white teeth champing with rage, and the fair cheeks blazing red with passion. But the Count! Never did I imagine such wrath and fury, even to the demons of the pit. His eyes were positively blazing. The red light in them was lurid, as if the flames of hell fire blazed behind them. His face was deathly pale, and the lines of it were hard like drawn wires. The thick eyebrows that met over the nose now seemed like a heaving bar of white-hot metal. With a fierce sweep of his arm, he hurled the woman from him, and then motioned to the others, as though he were beating them back. It was the same imperious gesture that I had seen used to the wolves. In a voice which, though low and almost in a whisper seemed to cut through the air and then ring in the room he said,

"How dare you touch him, any of you? How dare you cast eyes on him when I had forbidden it? Back, I tell you all! This man belongs to me! Beware how you meddle with him, or you'll have to deal with me."

This trend continued on until authors like Anne Rice and Poppy Z. Brite took the subtext and made it flat out text.  While in the past it had been male vampire biting male victim = male pentrating another male = teh gay sex, those authors among others made it male vampire having sex with male vampire =teh gay sex. 

Now, in more current media, True Blood makes several seemingly direct correlations between vampirism and homosexuality.  In fact, Stephen Moyer, one of the show's stars, has suggested he'd like to see a sex scene with his character, Bill Compton, and fellow vampire Erik Northman, played by Alexander Skarsgard.  And Joss Whedon, writer/creator of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer has admitted in a commentary that two of his male vampires, Angel and Spike, have at least experimented with each other in the past.

HOWEVER, claiming that Twilight addresses that issue?  That's your problem.  First of all, the claim that Edward is "repulsed" by Bella isn't true.  Edward ACTS repulsed by Bella, however it is because he is concealing his extreme desire for her.  Edward wants to bite Bella...Edward wants to penetrate Bella.

Um, and can we take a second here and examine the idea of "he's gay so he's repulsed by women?"  That's just flat out insulting to gay men.  While you're at it, why don't you throw in some more "proof" that Edward is gay: he uses hair product, dresses well, doesn't seem too into sports...it's all bs stereotypes.

Also, there is the part where the homosexual overtones of vampirism rely on the fact that the vampire feeds off of male humans.  Which Edward clearly doesn't.  He feeds off of animals.  Which means a better analogy is that Edward is into beastiality.

Let that sink in for a second.

The sexual politics of Twilight are an interesting topic, don't get me wrong. Edward insists that he won't bite Bella until they're married.  Just one bite and you're turned into something that needs to bite others all the time to survive.  Vampire Bella is so pure and magical she can control herself in regards to biting.  Now, go back through and imagine that instead of biting, you're talking about having sex.  Intriguing, no?

However, the idea that Twilight is homosexual friendly is laughable.  Because while we see a number of relationships portrayed, they are all male/female.  We see two relationships that are infact a child with an adult in an arranged marriage situation, which is written off as perfectly normal and healthy (one of the two couples is even named in a reference to Lolita, a book about adult/child relationships...but, um, it doesn't exactly portray those as HEALTHY).  But at no point are we shown a male/male or female/female situation. 

And one cannot discount Stephenie Meyer's own politics.  We know she is a devout Mormon and she has said that she tithes.  Which isn't a big deal until you consider the Mormon church's stance on homosexuality.  "The Mormon Church will not bow to popular opinion that asserts because 'they were born that way', gays and lesbians should be permitted to live a homosexual lifestyle."  In fact, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints not only actively preaches against homosexuality, but went on to donate more than $190,000 to Pro-Prop 8 campaigns, which lead to gay marriage once again being banned in the state of California. 

So yes, there's a lot to be said about gay vampires.  But Twilight is hardly a shining example and the idea that it's popularity is due to straight girls wanting to bang gay guys?  Ridiculous.  I mean, I'm assuming there's got to be a reason people like those books, but since we've ruled out being well-written, interesting plot, captivating characters, drugs laced into the ink they're printed with, hypnosis, something in the water and girls wanting to have sex with gay men, the search for that reason continues.

Fans were both saddened and stunned when Cash Colligan, bassist and co-founder of The Cab, announced he was leaving the band to pursue other opportunities.  He's stayed active, continuing to manage his restaurant, broadcasting via his StickAM site, hanging out with fellow former Cab member Ian Crawford and Tweeting.  A lot. Read more...

Hey gang!  As you probably know, Fall Out Boy is treating us to a "Greatest Hits" album before they take their much needed break. Bring it.